


Lovers In A Park

by AnonBeMe



Series: I Fell In Love When You Drew Me A Snowflake [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Freeform, Love Fixes Things, Non-Explicit Sex, Selective Muteness, mute!Lexa, nurse!clarke, pianist!Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 64,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9170590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonBeMe/pseuds/AnonBeMe
Summary: "Is there room for one more on this bench?" Clarke asks rhetorically and with a playful tone, as she slides in next to Lexa. She leans in to place a kiss on her cheek and her heart skips a beat as her favorite half smile breaks free from Lexa's lips.ORThe sequel to Strangers On A Bench.Lexa still doesn't speak but this time they're no longer strangers. These two are not done growing and that's what this story is about.Also, I'm introducing new characters and they'll be added to the list in due time...





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> First things first, if you haven't read Strangers On A Bench yet, I suggest you do so. I think this will make a lot more sense if you do :) 
> 
> To those who've been waiting patiently for the sequel, welcome back <3
> 
> And I know most of you prefer clexa interactions but I need to bring in Anya and Raven a bit to set this story. I hope the balance is working for you.
> 
> And also, happy new year!  
> ~anonbeme

It's Sunday and it's one of those hot lazy summer days that leaves pearls of sweat on skin and a hunger for ice cream in bellies. It's the kind that fills the park with smiley faces and people playing ball games well into the evening and it fills the air with a promise of good times and a buzzing of laughter. 

There's a young woman sitting on a bench in the park. She's casually leaning against the back of the bench, legs stretched and one foot crossed over the other, her hands folded behind her head and a content smile turned towards the sun. She has a tiny notebook and a small pencil in the back pocket of her jeans and it will most likely stay there. She's soaking up the sun while waiting on the love of her life. 

There's a young woman walking along the gravel dirt pathway in the park. Her golden hair is pulled up in a lazy bun to leave easy access for the occasional breeze to cool off the sweating skin of her neck. She's walking with a skip in her step and humming a tune under her breath. She just got off work and she nearly trips over her feet to move faster because she's on her way to meet the love of her life. 

"Is there room for one more on this bench?" Clarke asks rhetorically and with a playful tone, as she slides in next to Lexa. She leans in to place a kiss on her cheek and her heart skips a beat as her favorite half smile breaks free from Lexa's lips. The smile tugs on the corner of Lexa's cheek and Clarke places another kiss in its place. 

"Let the Sunday tradition begin," Clarke exhales as she leans back too. Clarke closes her eyes and places a resting hand on Lexa's thigh and it's like a game of predictable domino, an unwritten routine where the next domino to fall is Lexa's arm easing its way behind Clarke's shoulders pulling her in closer. The next domino is the inevitable kiss Lexa presses to Clarke's head as it lands on her shoulders. 

And it's one of Clarke's favorite things.

"I've missed you," Clarke sighs and Lexa chuckles and that's another one of Clarke's favorite things and it's quite new to her repertoire. 

Lexa always responds to things she finds humorous in a silent manner. It's a polite half smile or a certain look in her eyes or the way she averts people's eyes when they fall upon her. Clarke remembers the first time Lexa chuckled, like a whisper and nearly there, but it was a chuckle and it was a sound escaping Lexa's lips. Clarke had greeted her in the doorway with paint stains in her hair and a green strike on her nose and the whispery chuckle had filled the air between them and Lexa looked confused for a split second before Clarke had pressed her lips against hers pulling her inside the apartment. 

That was two weeks ago and it has developed into a more vocal kind of chuckle since. To most people it would just be Lexa expressing her amusement, but to Clarke it's the most precious thing in the world when Lexa's voice slips through the brick wall. It's like the smell of rain and newly cut grass and double rainbows and warm socks on a winter's day and staying in bed all day tracing the contours of Lexa's body with her fingertips. 

"Yeah yeah, I saw you this morning, so sue me," Clarke says snuggling closer and Lexa responds placing another kiss to the top of Clarke's messy golden hair. 

"Okay, five more minutes? Then we can go," Clarke pleads and Lexa responds with another kiss. 

*

Their Sunday tradition has expanded to also involve Raven and Anya and a trip to the ice cream shop. If the weather allows it, they eat their ice cream in the park, if not, they take it back to Raven and Clarke's place for a movie and ice cream afternoon. 

"Hey babe." Raven snakes her arms around Anya's waist and places a kiss on her neck. 

"Hey." Anya twist in her arms so they're face to face. She pushes loose strands of hair behind Raven's ear and pulls Raven into a kiss. There's a hint of sadness on Raven's tongue and it's so subtle that anyone would've missed it but Anya's specialty is the subtlety of silent communication so she breaks the kiss to meet Raven's eyes. "What's wrong?" she asks, because she knows that 'are you okay' is a question Raven easily rejects with a 'yeah, just tired'. But 'what's wrong' let's Raven know that Anya knows something is definitely wrong so she might as well spill the beans. 

"Nothing... It's... I don't know..." Raven exhales heavily, her shoulders slumping a little. 

"Is it the nightmares?" Anya looks concerned. 

"No..."

"They're more frequent, Rae." 

"... yeah. It's... There's this constant unrest in my body. And my leg is hurting more. It's hard to sleep."

"What, your leg is hurting?"

"...more. It always hurts, it's just.. worse."

"Tell me if you need me to do anything, okay?" Anya knows that Raven doesn't like to be pitied. And she knows she wants to deal with things herself and although she's worried out of her mind about Raven, she also knows that it's better to just let her know she's there for her if needed instead of pushing her to do things she's doesn't want to or don't feel ready for. 

Raven bites her lip nervously. "Don't worry, babe. It gets like this once in a while and I've managed so far. Just keep loving me, okay? It's all I need." 

"I couldn't stop even if I tried," Anya whispers against her forehead, her arms protectively encircling Raven's fragile body. 

"Get a room!" Clarke calls from across the street and just like that Raven's demeanor changes from being openly vulnerable to squareing her shoulders and putting on that smirk she always carries around Clarke and it hits Anya right there that Raven puts on an act of strength for Clarke just like Anya does for Lexa and it breaks her heart.

Raven turns towards Clarke and Lexa and flips Clarke the finger to which Clarke winks at her. 

"Do you kiss Lexa with that mouth?" Raven fires. 

"In a matter of fact, yes I do," Clarke humors back and then she lifts their laced hands to leave a kiss on Lexa's knuckles and then she grins back at Raven as to challenge her for another round. 

"Sometimes I feel like the oldest person in the world around you two," Anya sighs as she pulls Raven away from Clarke and into the ice cream shop. 

*

Sunday tradition always ends in a movie night in the comfy couch of Clarke and Raven's living room. Sometimes Raven and Anya joins too and so they sit shoulder to shoulder in a tight fit, all four of them in one couch and each and every one of them thinks this is what life is about. Just enjoying these calm moments with the ones you love. 

On most Sunday evenings, Clarke and Lexa are alone on the couch and they always end up an entangled mess of legs and arms and hair and lips and they always end up lost in each other instead of the movie. 

"Why do we ever put on a movie? We never watch it," Clarke whispers as Lexa leaves kisses on her neck and Clarke answers by running her hand under Lexa's shirt. 

"Why do I get the feeling you wouldn't answer me even if you did talk?" Clarke tries helplessly as Lexa slides a thigh between her legs, pulling her closer by her hip. And this is one of many reasons Lexa loves Clarke. There's no walking on egg-shells around the fact that Lexa doesn't speak. It just is and Lexa loves that Clarke jokes about it. 

"Lexa..." Clarke gasps because she has absolutely no control of her body when Lexa does _that_ and Lexa smirks into the crook between her neck and her shoulder. 

And Clarke gives in because she's helpless in Lexa's hands and because she wants to. Her fingers find their way into Lexa's hair, and they travel down Lexa's back along the curve of her spine and they find their home on Lexa's ass. "You're wearing too much clo-"

"Get a room!" Raven smirks from the doorway. 

Caught in the act, they freeze and Lexa hides her face in Clarke's shoulder as Clarke sighs, "Go away, Raven!"

"Gross, sis! On the couch we all sit on?" Anya exclaims from behind Raven and if Lexa looked up she'd see Anya smirking because she loves to embarrass her sister but Lexa doesn't need to see it to know it. And because Lexa is the stubborn little sister that won't let Anya win, she untangles herself from Clarke and gets up from the couch in one swift motion. She then continues to pick up Clarke and swing her over her shoulder and carries her into Clarke's room with a challenging smirk meant for Anya and Raven while Clarke yells something like, "LEXA!! What are you... freakishly strong..." and it's laced with the kind of uncontrollable heartfelt laughter that only Clarke specializes in, the kind that makes Lexa's heart burst at the seams. 

When the door to Clarke's bedroom closes Raven looks at Anya who looks mortified by the behavior of her little sister and it's so far off the coolness she usually carries and Raven can't contain herself as she bursts out laughing and she's laughing so hard Anya needs to support her body to keep her from falling over. 

*

It's not so much a tradition as it is a routine when Lexa stays the night. It's most nights except those when Clarke has night shifts at the hospital. It's an inevitable conclusion to the problem they find themselves in when they sleep alone in a bed too big for just one person. Both women have felt the pain of missing someone for too long and life is too short to not take every opportunity there is to make each other feel safe. 

It's the warmth that spreads through sleepy limps as Clarke whispers 'I love you' in the dark and it's the feeling of fireworks in her heart when Lexa leaves post-its with mutant stick man drawings on the bathroom mirror for Clarke to find on days that she sleeps in and Lexa has to go to work early. 

It's the safety in waking up to comforting words or comforting hugs after a nightmare. 

It's waking up on days off to find Raven or Anya in the kitchen. Clarke and Raven's apartment has become all four women's headquarters and you'd think that they'd get tired of each other's company but the truth is that they need each other to stay strong. All four of them. A unity. 

*

Clarke wakes up Monday morning with every fiber in her body missing Lexa's body against hers. She's got the day off and Lexa doesn't. This is a reoccurring event. Clarke wakes up alone and she rolls over onto Lexa's pillow to fall back asleep surrounded by her scent. Most times Clarke rolls over, her face hitting the raw surface of one of Lexa's morning notes instead of the softness of a pillow. 

_'Love, I've got a surprise for you tonight. Be ready at 6:30pm. Dress code: casually fancy and that brilliant smile of yours.'_

Lexa has drawn a few musical notes around the words and that's _one_ thing Lexa can draw, at least. Clarke traces the words with her index finger and smiles because Lexa calls her 'Love', it's like every note from Lexa is a love letter and Clarke doesn't mind that one bit. 

Clarke knows the music notes are a clue but she can't figure out what it means. When it comes to Lexa and music there are zillions of combinations and frankly it could be any one of them. 

Clarke sighs and rolls out of bed. It's 8:25am and there's no way she'll be able to go back to sleep now. She pulls on a pair of sweat pants and an old worn out t-shirt and goes on a hunt for breakfast and company. 

"Mornin'" Anya greets Clarke, her eyes still stuck to the newspaper in front of her. Anya has an even worse work schedule than Clarke has. She has mostly evening shifts this week and Clarke had asked her about it but Anya had responded with a "If I told you I'd have to kill you" and for some reason Clarke believed her, well, enough to not push her on the matter. 

"Oh, hey Anya. So it's just the two of us today, huh?" Clark yawns. "I'm gonna make an omelette, should I make enough for two?" 

"Yeah, sure. Need help?" Anya's attention is still on the newspaper.

"Nope. Lexa has a surprise for me at 6:30 tonight and I need something to distract me until then... A two-portion omelette is my first project," Clarke grins sheepishly, a little embarrassed to admit it.

"I know what it is" Anya says matter-of-factly, like a know-it-all big sister does best. 

"Anya, you gotta give me a clue! I hate surprises," Clarke pleads. 

"No you don't." Anya says, raising an eyebrow while her eyes are still stuck to whatever she's reading. 

"No I don't... " Clarke sighs impatiently." So, interesting article?"

"Depends on who you ask, I guess." Anya turns the newspaper upside down so Clarke can read it from the other side of the counter. "Our beloved parents have decided on expanding their company and it means they're doing this big fundraiser event next month, their own kind of PR stunt."

"That sounds big, why are you not excited?" 

"We have a kind of strained relationship to our parents because neither of us wants to take over the company. They thought they could convince Lexa to change her mind, well, that was until she lost Costia." Anya scrunching her eyebrows together. 

"I see. So, what is it they do?" Lexa doesn't speak about her parents so Clarke only knows that they're alive and that they're wealthy and also that Lexa doesn't want to be their charity. 

"Well, it's complicated... but consider them a sort of a consulting firm for governments and big corporations. They're the leading company of that sort in the country." 

"Yeah, sorry I asked," Clarke chuckles. 

"They've always been very committed to their company and it meant that they weren't home a lot when we were kids... I guess, neither of us wants that kind of life for ourselves." Anya shrugs. 

"I don't blame you," Clarke agrees. 

"Yeah... Just know, that if we have to go to this fundraiser thing, you and Raven have to go too," Anya winks and Clarke laughs at her because going to a fundraiser doesn't sound too bad despite whatever Anya thinks. 

"Clarke... Something else... I think Raven is struggling with something at the moment and you know her, she wants to handle things herself... How do I know if it's bad enough for me to intervene?"

"She's... Struggling with what?" 

"I don't know. Her nightmares are more frequent and she says her leg hurts more... I got the feeling something is terribly wrong."

"Mh... The thing with Raven is she's stubborn as hell and she's got this protector complex, like, she thinks she needs to be strong for others. I don't know what else there is to do but to be ready to catch her if she does fall. I'll promise to keep an eye on her, okay?"

"Okay, Thank you," Anya nods thoughtfully. "Clarke?" The hint of a smile dancing on her lips. 

"Yeah?" Clarke raises an eye, a bit confused about the sudden change in mood. 

"How about that omelette?" 

"Oh right... Coming up."


	2. Chapter II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you're still with me,.. sequel and all... :) 
> 
> I'm introducing Anya and Lexa's parents by name and maybe just ignore whatever you know about genetics, alright? I spent two weeks debating whether or not to keep Indra as their mom,... in the end I was too attached to the idea.
> 
> You'll meet them directly in a later chapter, but as for now... Let's find out what Lexa has planned for Clarke :)  
> ~anonbeme

_'Love, the other day you asked me what it's like not to speak. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to explain it. I believe it's something that needs to be experienced, so tonight I'll be stealing away one of your senses and then afterwards you can tell me what it's like.'_

Lexa waits patiently for Clarke to finish reading the note. She watches Clarke's ocean blue eyes trace the words from side to side until she reaches the last word. She watches Clarke trace the words one more time before looking back up with a questioning look, a raised eyebrow. 

Lexa raises an eyebrow of her own challenging Clarke to take the bait. 

"Alright, I'll bite. Which one of my five senses are you stealing?" Clarke asks and Lexa answers with a shrug and one of those innocent smiles that always pulls Clarke in. 

"Alright, fine. But tell me, is this casually fancy enough for you?" Clarke says seductively as she runs a presenting hand down along her figure and twirls one time for Lexa. 

And yes, Lexa very much likes the black jeans and the blue silk button-up Clarke has chosen. She answers Clarke by hooking an index finger in one front pocket to pull her closer, to steal a kiss from her lips. 

*

They leave the apartment hand in hand, fingers entwined and they stroll down the street that leads them downtown until they stand in front of the concert hall. 

"A night with the Philharmonics?" Clarke sees the poster on the board. "Are you taking me to a concert and then not letting me hear anything?" Clarke pouts and for a second Lexa almost forgets why they're there. She lifts Clarke's pouty face with a finger under her chin and kisses Clarke softly, never breaking eye contact. 

Lexa shakes her head to answer Clarke's questions. 

"Lee-eexa," Clarke whines and Lexa looks at her with an amused smirk. Maybe Lexa likes to surprise Clarke and keep things a secret from her on purpose just to make Clarke this whiny mess of pure anticipation. As much as Clarke loves surprises, she's just as impatient waiting for them. 

"Okay, fine." Clarke gives up. She's not actually mad, she's excited and can't wait to find out what the surprise is.

Lexa takes Clarke's hand and guides her inside the concert hall. The entry room is a majestic hall of pillars and a massive chandelier in the high ceiling. Clarke stops in her track to take it all in, it looks like something out of a movie, Clarke thinks, and the joy on her face has Lexa melting a little. 

Lexa guides her up the marble stairs to find their seat in a VIP balcony which they have all to themselves. From there, Clarke can look down on the whole venue, taking in the architectural masterpiece with curious eyes and her mouth half agape. 

"I've never been in here before," Clarke tells Lexa. "It's so beautiful. I want to draw it," she says and looks at Lexa with a big grin on her face. 

Lexa almost hates herself a little for what she's about to do, but reminds herself that she can always bring Clarke back here. 

"So, VIP balcony?" Clarke raises an eyebrow and Lexa takes out her notebook. 

_'Being the child of Indra and Gustus woods has its perks'_

Lexa holds up another prepared note for Clarke to read. 

_'Take a last look at your surroundings. I'm stealing your sight'_

As Clarke looks back at Lexa, she is pulling out a blue piece of silk and she gives Clarke one of those looks that either means 'are you okay?' or 'are you ready?' and a nod from Clarke means that Lexa can proceed. Lexa leans forward to gently place the silk over Clarke's eyes and tie it behind her head. She then traces her fingers along Clarke's jaw and then Clarke is grinning and Lexa can't help herself as she leans forward a bit farther to place a kiss on Clarke's lips. 

"I don't suppose this is why I'm here, but you're putting dirty thoughts in my head," Clarke smirks and Lexa blushes but Clarke can't see that. 

The blindfold means that Lexa's only means of communication is touch and she only just realizes that. She did not think this through. She's feels oddly alone until Clarke fumbles for her hand to entwine their fingers. For the rest of the night, if one woman squeezes the others' hand the other responds with a squeeze of their own. 

Lexa spends most of the concert watching Clarke. She's done this exercise a million times herself. Listening to music with a blindfold over the eyes means that the brain creates its own images instead. It's not exactly the same as losing the ability to speak because whereas the sight is actually one of the five senses, the ability to talk is not. But when it comes to ways of communicating, being able to talk is just as important as being able to see. For a long time, it was hard for Lexa not to be able to sing anymore and just for a night, it's going to be hard for Clarke not to be able to draw the images this experience will conjure up in her mind. It's _almost_ the same, but not quite. 

When the orchestra below them starts playing, Clarke's mind explodes. She spends the first ten minutes getting used to the blindfold. She wants to be able to see the musicians move with their instruments, she wants to see their facial expressions and her eyes hurt because they expect images but they aren't getting any. She wants to watch Lexa take it all in because she knows music makes Lexa feel alive and because she wants to observe that said life dance in her eyes. 

She eventually decides to close her eyes behind the blindfold and then something happens. The string section are different shades of blue, the horn section are many versions of red and the percussion section are spots of yellow creating art upon the canvas that is her paralyzed mind. The more she gives in to just listening to the music, the more her mind clears and the combination of the three primary colors start evolving. Into shapes. Into patterns. Into new colors. Into stories. Like waves rippling through the surface of water. Like rays of light reflecting off water. Like flowers growing from the earth. Like the warmth she feels in her heart when she's the reason Lexa smiles. Like the mornings they stay in bed until their stomachs growl and demand food. Like the pain she still feels when she thinks about loss. 

And Clarke has absolutely no words to describe what's going on in her mind. 

None. 

When the concert is over, Lexa leans in to kiss Clarke on the cheek before she unties the silk. There's a vulnerability in Clarke's eyes that Lexa hasn't seen before and she wants to know what's going on in Clarke's head but she doesn't know how to ask her that. 

Clarke wants to tell Lexa about her experience, but she doesn't know how to begin. Instead she pulls Lexa in to a kiss that's violent and gentle and desperate and slow. 

"Don't throw the silk away," Clarke whispers next to her ear before she rises from her seat leaving a flustered Lexa behind. Lexa carefully places the silk back in her pocket before catching up with Clarke. 

It's not yet late enough for the stars to appear on Clarke's favorite canvas, but it doesn't matter, because all Clarke sees is the explosion of colors in her mind. She spends the walk home thinking about the message Lexa is trying to convey with this experience. 

*

"Do you see colors too?" Clarke timidly asks as they walk up to the apartment building. 

Lexa shakes her head and pulls out her notebook. 

_'Music brings me emotions. It can make me sad even if I'm happy. The images I get are not visual like yours, but more of a state of mind, if that makes sense?'_

Clarke understands the part about emotions, but not the idea of images not being visual. It's one of the many wonders of Lexa, her mind works so differently and it amazes Clarke immensely. 

"I don't have an answer for you, but I think I finally understand why you need to process things, because... Wow, my head is overloading right now." Clarke says and Lexa grins at her because that was exactly the response she was hoping for with her little experiment. 

"Also, please take me to a concert again sometime? I'd like to experience it with my eyes too." Clarke smiles and Lexa kisses her cheek in agreement. 

When they enter the apartment, they find Raven sitting on the floor in the hallway, her back up against the wall, her head tilted back and her eyes shut tight and Clarke knows that she's in pain. Like, real excruciating pain. 

"Rae..." Clarke whispers as she kneels next to Raven on the floor. She cups Raven's cheek because it usually works on Raven, but this time Raven just clenches her jaw. "Okay, we're gonna help you up, okay? Me and Lexa. Couch or bed, Rae?"

But Raven doesn't answer. 

"Rae! Couch?" and Raven shakes her head. 

"Okay, bed it is. Lex, I need you to take this side. We need to support her so she doesn't use her leg, okay?" Lexa nods and follows Clarke's instructions. She's worried because she doesn't know what's going on but it seems Clarke does and she's a nurse, so Raven is in good hands. 

They work as a team lifting Raven up in a standing position. Clarke is on Raven's bad side making sure she doesn't use her bad leg. They tumble down the hallway towards Raven's bedroom and Raven grinds her teeth not to scream her pain out and Lexa wishes she could transfer some of the pain to herself, so badly. 

Once Raven is lying on her bed, Clarke starts to unbuckle the brace. She notices that Raven already tried but must have given up in the process. 

"Lex, there's a black plastic container in the top left cabinet in the kitchen. Can you get it for me and also a glass of water, please." 

While Lexa goes to the kitchen Clarke starts to massage Raven's leg. "What happened Rae... How long have you been sitting there... We're gonna fix you," Clarke says, mostly muttering words to herself, her words are broken and full of guilt and of promises to make things better. 

Lexa returns with water and the black container seconds later. "Thank you Lex, they're really strong painkillers... It's gonna take a while before they work. Could you text Anya and let her know what's up?" 

And yeah, that's something Lexa can do. She writes Clarke a note before she walks back into the kitchen to prepare a few sandwiches and a pot of tea. 

_'I'll tell Anya. I'll make sure there's food if you need any and let me know if there's anything I can do?'_

*

It's about an hour later when Clarke enters the kitchen and walks determinedly directly into the waiting arms of safety. Lexa's hugs are like medicine for the soul and it's the only thing Clarke needs right now. 

Clarke's body is heavy against Lexa's. Lexa places kisses to Clarke's temple and she rubs circles on her back trying to release some of the tension in Clarke's body. Clarke buries her face in the crook of Lexa's neck and Lexa feels the warm tears slowly soak her shirt. 

Clarke cries silently. She's not really sad. She's just emotionally drained and she cries because she needs to let go of some of that to be able to let more in because she knows this isn't over. 

They stand like that until Clarke takes a deep breath and sighs. "Thank you, Lex. I needed that."

Lexa thumbs away the tears still on Clarke's cheek and she kisses each cheek before leaving a kiss on her forehead. Her lips stay on her forehead until Clarke places her hands flat against Lexa's collarbone.

"Thank you for taking me to the concert. It was an amazing experience. You're too good to me." Clarke says and Lexa smiles in return.

Lexa reaches for her notebook on the counter. 

_'I'm glad you liked it. You deserve only the best. I told Anya about Raven, she said she'll be here within the hour'_

Clarke nods silently and slides her arms around Lexa's neck to steal another one of those hugs that heals her soul. It's been a long and eventful night and it's been emotionally draining. They stay up waiting for Anya and Lexa makes sure Clarke eats something before she goes to bed. It's past midnight before they fall asleep, Lexa spooning Clarke and leaving soft kisses on her neck until Clarke's body drifts off to sleep in her arms.


	3. Chapter III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that so many of you want to keep reading the sequel <3
> 
> Enjoy!

There's no progress with Raven the next couple of days and so Clarke takes the liberty of booking an appointment for her with a specialist Friday afternoon. Clarke promised she'd get out of work to be there and Anya promised she'd try to get someone to take her shift, but she couldn't make it happen, so instead Lexa takes on the task of being the moral support that Raven needs getting from the apartment to the hospital. 

Lexa leaves the library at lunch and goes straight to the apartment to pick up Raven. Raven is on the couch looking broken and scared and Lexa recognizes this look. It's the same Costia had before any appointments concerning her illness. It's the concept of not knowing what you're going to hear and also not being able to affect the results in any way. It's judgement day, so to speak. 

_'If you need to talk, I've been told I'm a good listener'_

Lexa hands Raven the note with a playful smile because she knows Raven will appreciate the irony of the statement. And Raven does crack a smile upon reading the words, a very subtle smile, but a smile nonetheless. 

"The last time it was this bad was right after the accident." Raven admits and with a thoughtful expression she continues, "You're going to help me get down the stairs and you also need to get the wheelchair from the broom closet. Are you okay with that?"

Lexa nods as she scribbles. 

_'Of course. Anything you need, let me know.'_

Raven nods, her body in a full-on defeated demeanor. She rubs her eyes with the heel of her hands and then one hand goes to massage the upper thigh of her bad leg. 

"Okay, if you get the wheelchair and take it down the stairs, I'll get ready to go. We have enough time to go through the park on the way. Is that okay? It means less traffic."

Lexa nods and squeezes Raven's shoulder as she rises from the couch. 

The wheelchair is a task easily done. Getting Raven down the stairs, however, is not. Lexa thinks that maybe this is one of the reasons her and Anya prefer to stay here. Clarke and Raven only has one set of stairs whereas Anya and Lexa lives on the third floor with no elevator. 

Raven has a cane to aid her on days where the brace isn't enough. But even the cane is not enough today. They try with Lexa supporting one side of Raven as Raven supports herself on the railing but it's too painful and too clumsy. Eventually Lexa lifts Raven onto her shoulder to carry her the last couple of steps and she knows Raven finds it humiliating, but it got the job done with as little pain and effort as possible. 

"Wow, you _are_ freakishly strong," Raven mutters as she takes a seat in the wheelchair. 

Lexa smirks as she scribbles a new note, and Raven finds comfort in having Lexa here because it's almost like having Anya here. The two sisters share the same smirk. 

_'Want me to push the wheelchair or do you want to do it yourself?'_

"Could you? I'm so tired... Could we go through the park?" Raven asks. 

So to they go through the park, Lexa pushing Raven's wheelchair. Lexa keeps a slow pace because they have plenty of time. They move forward in silence, not the uncomfortable kind, but the welcomed kind. It's the kind of silence that occurs when people are deep in thought, it's the needed kind. Raven thinks back five months prior to the day she met Lexa for the first time and how this silent woman has found a way to fix Clarke's broken heart. How Clarke and Lexa bonds over the loss of their loved ones and how _she_ bonds with Lexa over the feeling of feeling incomplete. Raven's messed up leg and Lexa's inability to speak. She thinks about how those two sisters love unconditionally and wholeheartedly. How lucky she feels to have Anya in her life and how lucky she knows Clarke feels to have Lexa. 

There's one thought that has occupied Raven's mind more than usual lately. Guilt. For driving the car that day. For driving the car that killed Finn and for bringing so much pain into Clarke's life. She knows it was the driver of the other car's fault, but she feels guilty because she was behind the wheel and didn't see it coming. 

For a long time, that guilt has been hiding in the shadows. Raven kept the guilt away by taking care of Clarke. She was strong for Clarke. The truth is, she doesn't need to be strong for Clarke's sake anymore. The truth is Raven no longer has any reason to ignore the guilt anymore. 

Raven knows that the pain in her leg is connected to that but she doesn't feel ready to take on the fight. 

Not yet. 

*

The closer they get to the hospital, Lexa gets more anxious and Raven doesn't notice until Lexa stops in their track about twenty feet from the hospital entrance. 

"Lexa?" Raven calls into the air that surrounds them. 

Lexa doesn't respond, so Raven tilts her head backwards to look upside-down at Lexa, her jaw clenched and anxiety growing in her eyes. 

"Is this your first visit to a hospital since...? " Raven asks cautiously. 

Lexa nods stiffly. 

"I understand. We still have plenty of time. We can stand here until you're ready or we can take a seat at the bench back there," Raven points with her thumb somewhere behind them, "or we can summon Nurse Clarke to take over from here. It's up to you." Raven says casually. She doesn't mention the last option which is that Raven is fully capable of pushing the wheelchair the rest of the way herself. 

Lexa stares at the swing doors as if they were the spawn of the devil. 

"You've got five minutes until I call Clarke," Raven says, and it's not meant to put pressure on her, but something tells Raven that Lexa just needs a little push. Not going in is a defeat Lexa doesn't want to admit to, she thinks 

It's less than five minutes when Clarke coincidentally appears from the swing doors with a raised eyebrow at the two of them. 

"Hey Clarke. Lexa and I are just enjoying the beauty of the monotonous movements of your magnificent entrance swing doors and we're debating how best to approach them," Raven says matter-of-factly. 

Clarke can tell by the look in Lexa's eyes that something is wrong, so she walks towards them, towards Lexa, because its become second nature to her to make sure Lexa is alright. 

"Lex? You okay?" Clarke asks cautiously as she reaches one hand out to touch Lexa, but Lexa stops her with a dismissive hand in the air. Her eyes never leave the swing doors as she takes a deep breath before she takes one step towards the doors. 

And another. 

Clarke doesn't understand what's going on but she sees Raven's victorious smile grow bigger by every step and so she decides to stand by observing the action. 

Lexa knows better than to stop so she times their speed with the swing doors and before she knows it they're inside the hospital. There's a lump in her dry throat and she exhales slowly, heavily, trying to get rid of some of the tension in her body. 

"Hey, gimme your notebook", Rae says and Lexa hands it over. Raven doodles something before ripping of the page. She turns her wheelchair to face Lexa, Clarke standing just behind her, still with a puzzled look. 

"That was awesome, Lexa. Facing the demonic swing doors earns you a gold star," Raven says with a proud smirk to her lips as she hands over the notebook and her drawing of a star and the words _gold star_ next to it. "Clarke, I'll meet you at the doctor's office. Make sure Lexa gets there." 

Lexa watches Raven roll down the hall and dissappear behind the corner. She feels a hand slide into her own. Clarke's hand. Clarke's hand that is impossibly soft and holds the ability of sending waves of calm through Lexa's body.

"This way, Lex." Clarke tugs Lexa the opposite direction of where Raven is going but Lexa's feet are glued to the floor. 

And then Lexa's favorite blue oceans emerge in front of her and they look at her with questioning eyes. 

Lexa takes another deep breath and Clarke places her right hand across Lexa's chest, above her heart. It's something Clarke has found to be efficient when dealing with Lexa's anxiety. 

Talking about the issue whilst it happens is the exact opposite of efficient, so Clarke starts talking about other things than Lexa panicking about being in a hospital. 

"Thank you for helping Rae." Clarke says. 

If Lexa responds to it, it's so subtle that Clarke doesn't see it. 

"We've got about fifteen minutes before Rae's appointment and they have cookies and terrible hospital tea in the canteen. How about it?" Clarke moves her other hand to Lexa's neck to pull her closer. 

Forehead to forehead, Clarke's soft hand on Lexa's heavy heart, they stand in the entrance hall of the hospital letting the world spin on for awhile without them. People pass by in blurs and they don't take notice of the sounds around them. They could've been back in Clarke's apartment, for all they know. 

It's in this pocket of time that Lexa finally lets Clarke ground her and Clarke knows she's won this one as Lexa's arms move to pull Clarke in by the waist. 

Clarke smiles by the victory and Lexa does too because when Clarke smiles Lexa can't _not_ smile. Then Clarke pulls her the last bit closer for a kiss and it's soft and gentle and almost not a kiss because she recognizes the fragile state Lexa is in. 

"Come on..." Clarke whispers against her lips and Lexa nods giving Clarke the OK to pull her along in whatever direction she'll find the terrible hospital tea. 

*

Raven tells Clarke she wants to see the doctor alone but that she wants Clarke and Lexa to wait for her in the waiting room. 

*

Raven comes back out with tired red eyes from crying. She watches Clarke and Lexa for a moment before rolling their way. They've pulled two chairs close together and Lexa has her arm slung over Clarke's shoulders while Clarke leans into Lexa. It's like watching them on their bench in the park, Raven thinks. She admires their ability to draw strength from one another, and she thinks maybe that's what she needs to get better, she needs to learn to be vulnerable around Clarke too. 

A jolt of happiness settles in Raven's chest as she watches Clarke draw in Lexa's notebook and then Lexa smiles and takes the pen from Clarke to add to the drawing and Clarke's laughter fills the waiting room. Raven observes how the sound brings life to Lexa's eyes. She realizes right there, that she needs to let people help her if she wants to get better. She needs Anya and Clarke and even Lexa to get better. 

She sighs and pushes her wheelchair towards the lovebirds. 

"Get a room," Raven says gently as she stops in front of them. 

"Hey Rae, how did it go?" Clarke slides out of Lexa's arms to focus on Raven. 

"Well. It turns out I'm a bit of a mess. I'm allowed to take the strong pills but they need to control the dosis so I need to go in once a week for that. I also need to see the physical therapist twice a week and then I asked to be assigned a shrink." Raven says the last part looking down at her hands in her lap.

"I'm proud of you, Rae. You know, if you need anything, just let me know, okay?"

Raven nods and looks back up at both of them with a sad smile. 

"I think this is gonna be the hardest run so far." she exhales shakily.

"Maybe. But you'll get through it. They let me off of the rest of the day, so... Say, we pick up ice cream and maybe some take-out... chinese? And then we throw a hell of a Couch Party with movies and self pity and such." Clarke offers. 

"I'd like that." Raven smiles. 

"Yeah? We promised Anya to keep you smiling until she got off work, so come on." Clarke rises from her seat. 

"Lexa, would you do me the honor of steering the wheelchair again?" Raven knows Lexa needs a distraction walking through the halls of the hospital and she also knows she won't say no. 

Lexa nods and takes her position behind Raven's wheelchair as they begin their journey home.


	4. Chapter IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for all the comments and the kudos and whatnot. I still can't believe you like this fic so much :) 
> 
> It warms my heart to know that you like Raven's story as well. It has taken up a lot of the story so far but that's about to change now.
> 
> Raven has another dinner party... That always shakes things up a bit. This time? Enter Bellamy. 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

It's the last weekend of July and it's Raven's birthday, so she throws one of her Friday dinner parties to celebrate. Octavia and Lincoln are there too and early even, because Lincoln wants to challenge Lexa in a match of chess in a sober state of mind. 

Lexa is nervous even though everyone tells her not to be. She's nervous because she's meeting Bellamy for the first time. Octavia told her he's a typical ass-hat of a big brother and really, there's no reason to be nervous. Clearly, she doesn't know Lexa that well. 

Clarke places a kiss to Lexa's cheek as she tugs on her shirt collar with both hands. "Bellamy is the kind of person who always ends up being the center of attention. If you _do_ get uncomfortable, just tell me... we can take a break, okay?" Clarke tells Lexa. Clarke agrees with Octavia, there's nothing to be nervous about, but she also knows that Lexa doesn't do well with big crowds and strangers, so she gives her an out if needed. 

Lexa pulls Clarke closer by the waist and into a gentle kiss to tell her she accepts the conditions Clarke offers. Anya and Raven both make gagging noises which makes Lincoln and Octavia laugh. Clarke rolls her eyes at them but grins at Lexa as she does so.

It's something the others don't quite understand, but it's second nature to Clarke. Lexa doesn't speak and sometimes she needs to tell Clarke things and mostly they're responses or answers to whatever Clarke tells her or asks her. And their shared language has become more of a body language than anything else. Clarke has adapted to Lexa's communication form like it was the most obvious thing to do. 

Everyone knows that a nod is a yes and a shake of the head is a no. It's as universal as anything can be. That's why Anya usually talks to Lexa with yes-no questions. It's not good enough for Clarke, though. So when Lexa is nervous or anxious Clarke offers her a choice or two to handle it and then Clarke can read off of her body language what she feel about it. For instance, Lexa blinks a lot when she's confused or can't make a decision and she seeks Clarke's eyes when she needs strength or courage to do something. Soft kisses to Clarke's cheek or temple or lips is a signal that Lexa is alright and it's a thank you and it's a way of showing Clarke that she's right there dealing with things along Clarke.

And it goes both ways. Instead of calling Lexa's name, Clarke often asks for her attention with a silent touch, say on the small of her back or her upper arm. 

Sometimes they just need to check in with each other and it's a silent correspondence between them. For instance, Clarke is in the kitchen and Lexa walks up and leave a kiss on Clarke's temple and Clarke leans in to the touch without stopping whatever she's doing and then Lexa is moving on to whatever she's doing too. Or Lexa is lying on the couch and Clarke walks by behind it running two fingers along the back of the couch and Lexa lifts a hand to brush against her fingers without moving her eyes from the book she's reading.

Sometimes it's like they hold conversations just by looking at each other. To Lexa its necessary and to Clarke it's the most precious thing the two share because it's intimate and so uniquely them. 

The door buzzer goes off. 

Raven goes to open the door. She's made a lot of progress the past couple of weeks, the pain is tolerable and she's able to walk using her brace and a cane. Anya goes to help her, but sits back down as Raven scowls at her. Lexa smirks at Anya because Anya usually doesn't let anyone give her orders, but Raven seems to be an exception. Anya responds with a shrug, she won't deny the effect Raven has on her. 

Lexa watches as a tall man with wild black hair enters the doorway to the kitchen. 

"Long time no see!" He grins into the room and Lexa understands what Clarke meant about him always becoming the center of attention. He's got the same kind of bright charisma as Octavia and his presence demands attention, uncompromisingly so. 

He greets his sister ruffling her hair and she greets him with a scowl. He greets Lincoln with one of those manly shoulder to shoulder hugs. He greets Clarke with a "Hey Princess, I've missed you," and a hug that's a little too friendly if Lexa has a say in it. She's not the jealous kind, but she's insecure when it comes to big crowds and how easy it is for people like Bellamy to talk everyone up. It's something Lexa will never be able to do. 

"It's good to see you too Bellamy, how was Europe?" Clarke asks. 

"It was good. It's been a great summer," he boasts. "Oh, Anya, good to see you again!" He greets Anya with a firm handshake as she nods a greeting back. "You too, Bellamy."

"Oh, a new face. I'm Bellamy, it's nice to meet you." He throws a charming smile towards Lexa and she shakes his hand, maybe a bit too firmly, greeting him with her signature hello nod.

Lexa hates this so much. Bellamy's entrance demands that she partakers actively, so she pulls out the always prepared note from her pocket and holds it up for Bellamy to read. 

_'Nice to meet you. I'm Lexa'_

Out of the corner of her eye she sees Clarke smile, it's that smile Lexa recognizes as one that remembers fond memories. This is how Lexa greeted Clarke at the first dinner party five months ago. It could have been a nice moment, this one, but it isn't because Bellamy reads the message and responds with a terrible attempt of hiding that this is a weird situation for him. 

"Oh, nice to meet you Lexa." He tries, but not good enough. "So how do you fit into this group?" 

Lexa wants to tell him _'It's none of your business'_ or maybe _'I'm sleeping with Clarke'_. Mostly she just wants to leave. She doesn't like Bellamy. She doesn't like how he makes her feel small and insecure. 

Anya places a hand on Lexa's shoulder because she can tell that she's uncomfortable by Bellamy's straightforwardness. "Lexa is my sister," she tells him and Lexa recognizes the authority in Anya's voice. The voice of a protector and one that takes no bullshit. 

"And my girlfriend." Clarke walks up behind Lexa sliding her arms around her waist and leaves a kiss on Lexa's shoulder. 

And it calms down Lexa immediately. Hearing Clarke introduce her as her girlfriend makes her proud and happy and in this moment in time where Anya and Clarke have her back, she feels invincible. 

And when Bellamy averts his eyes and clenches his jaw, Lexa understands that he might like Clarke a bit more than just as a friend and that's another thing she's _not_ comfortable with. But in Clarke's arms, she doesn't feel insecure about it, so she twists a bit to kiss Clarke's cheek, one of those 'I'm okay because you're here' kisses. 

"Lexa, let's play chess now before I start drinking," Lincoln says and awaits Lexa's agreement nod before he walks into the living room to set up the chess board. 

Lexa follows closely behind him and as she walks into the living room she hears Bellamy's voice from the kitchen. "What's with the silence?" 

"You have to _earn_ the answer for that question, Bellamy," Anya says dryly.

*

Lexa beats Lincoln again. Lincoln sigh heavily as Lexa writes checkmate in her notebook but it's accompanied by a satisfied smile. He likes Lexa and he likes playing chess with her. He likes that small talk is not a necessity and he likes how she feels confident in every turn she makes in the game. 

"Nope, I can't even beat you sober. We need a new game," he grins and Lexa smiles back enjoying the challenges Lincoln gives her. 

*

Dinner is great, for the most part. Raven is learning to let people help her and thus Clarke and Octavia helps preparing the food and set the table. During dinner Bellamy entertains with stories from Europe, about the three months of traveling all over the place, just him and freedom. Everyone is curious and asks him questions except Lexa for obvious reasons and Anya out of solidarity to her sister. 

Clarke can tell that Lexa is uncomfortable and she makes sure to check in with Lexa once in a while. A hand on her thigh, a kiss on her cheek, a whisper of 'I love you' in her ear. Every time Clarke checks in with Lexa, Bellamy follows her with his eyes. Neither of them notices, but Anya does. 

*

After dinner, everyone settles around the coffee table and Bellamy's Europe stories continue and Anya catches Raven in the kitchen. 

"Happy birthday, Rae! How does thirty feel?" Anya pulls Raven closer and kisses her up the neck in a manner that's not meant to be innocent at all. 

"Well, you've been there, you tell me." Raven smirks and then she slaps Anya on her shoulder. "Babe, if you don't stop that we won't return to the party."

"Is that so bad," Anya smiles against her neck.

"Well, no..." Raven gasps. "Yes. I mean yes! Anya!" Raven scolds and Anya laughs victoriously as she retreats to get drinks from the fridge. 

"So... Wanna tell me what's up?" Raven wants to know. 

"What do you mean?" Anya asks back. 

"You're awfully silent tonight." Raven argues and Anya made a promise to never keep secrets from Raven because of her trust issues, so she tells her. 

"I'm looking out for Lexa. Bellamy makes her uncomfortable, like, I've never seen her this uncomfortable before. Does he have a thing for Clarke?"

"Uh... No?" Raven scrunches her eyebrows together. 

"You sure? I mean, I know Clarke only has eyes for Lexa, I just... I don't like seeing her this way." Anya sighs and leans back against the kitchen counter. 

"Shit, I don't know. He did once, but Clarke turned him down. Twice. But that was years ago. Don't worry babe, no one can take Clarke and Lexa's love away. It's too strong. Epic, even." Raven smiles and leans against Anya who pulls her in for a kiss. 

*

"Rae, why don't you get your guitar? It's always a party when the three of you sing," Bellamy exclaims, looking at Clarke. 

Raven looks to Lexa to make sure she's okay and while Lexa appreciates the gesture she also doesn't like to be reminded of what happened the last time Raven picked up a guitar at one of her dinner parties. Lexa decides that this is Raven's birthday party and she can handle the music as long as they don't play _that song_. As to make a point, she goes to pick up Raven's guitar for her.

It's the same repertoire tonight, except Lexa and Lincoln has started a game of backgammon instead of chess. Bellamy drinks his beer and sits back to enjoy the show. Anya wants to punch him in his face for the disrespectful ogling he gives Clarke when she isn't looking and she wants to hug Clarke for regularly checking in with Lexa, sending her winks and smiles across the table. 

Raven eventually puts the guitar down and Bellamy dramatically pouts because "You haven't played _The Dock Of The Bay_ yet". 

Lexa freezes and Clarke immediately looks at her to make sure she's okay. 

"Nope. I'm done." Raven says. 

"Well, hand me the guitar, I'll play it." Bellamy offers and everyone in the room except Bellamy stops breathing for a second. As always, Anya takes care of her sister. 

"Nope. Veto on that song, Bellamy. It's not happening." If looks could kill, at least one of Anya and Bellamy would be ten feet under now. 

Lexa really doesn't like the tension in this room and in her twisted mind there are only two options for her right now. One, she flees the scene or two, she averts the potential crisis. And for a split second, she only cares about backing up Anya because Anya always backs her up. So she pulls out her notebook and scribbles a note. She rises from her seat to give Raven the note as she picks up the guitar. 

_'Happy birthday Raven!'_

The note also contains a tiny drawing of a present wrapped in a bow and Raven smiles because Lexa's mutated stick man drawings are taking up all the space on their refrigerator door and this one, _this one_ , needs to go on there too. On the top, even, and if she has to fight Clarke for the VIP spot, so be it. 

Everyone stares at Lexa in awe as she stretches her hands and fingers a few times, takes a deep breath, seeks the strength she knows lies in Clarke's eyes and smiling when she finds it... and then she starts strumming. 

And there are no words to explain how beautiful it is. Anya recognizes the piece because it's one of Lexa's original pieces. It's Anya's favorite, in fact. While Lexa favors the piano Anya favors the guitar, at least when Lexa plays it. 

Clarke watches the emotions of the music wash over Lexa and it's too much to witness so she closes her eyes and listens. Like at the concert hall, her mind explodes in the many shades of blue that seems to be Clarke's connection to string instruments. Slowly, they morph into green shades too, the green of Lexa's eyes. And Clarke thinks that this is another one of those time pockets to keep safely locked up in her heart. 

When the last note fades out, Lexa's eyes stay on the guitar in her hands until Raven says, "Thank you, Lexa. I think that's the best birthday present I've ever gotten."

Clarke rises from her seat and takes the guitar from Lexa and hands it to Anya. She then proceeds to pull Lexa out of her chair and cups her cheeks before pulling her into a soft kiss. "I love you," she murmurs against Lexa's lips and kisses her again. 

Lexa sighs the tension out of her body and finally meets Clarke's eyes. She feels too many things she can't explain right now and Clarke knows. 

"Go. It's okay. I'll be in to check on you later." Clarke assures her and Lexa nods and retreats back to Clarke's room where she curls up in a ball on Clarke's bed. 

*

"So, you and Lexa..." Bellamy says, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, his arms folded over his chest. Clarke had used a bit of cleaning up as an excuse to take a moment to herself. 

"Yeah," Clarke grins as she dries her hands off in a handtowel. 

"Is it serious?"

"It's a couple of months old, but yeah, it's serious." Clarke nods as her gaze drifts to Bellamy's. He looks a bit taken aback and it confuses Clarke a little. 

"Okay. I'm happy for you..." he says, lifting and index finger to scratch his cheek. 

"...but?" Clarke narrows her eyes. 

"No but," he says holding his hands up in a defensive stance as he walks farther into the kitchen. 

"Okay..." Clarke doesn't believe him, but she's not in a mood to play mind games with Bellamy, so she lets it slide, only, Bellamy didn't get that memo. 

"It's just... I think you could do better." He licks his lip, it's something he does when he tries to calm himself down. When he wants to stay cool even though his mind wants to run wild. 

"What does that even mean, Bellamy?" Clarke is angry now. "Lexa makes me more happy than I've been in a long time, in fact, she makes me even more happy than Finn did and I didn't think that was even possible but there you go. She's not _good enough_ for me?" 

If looks could kill... 

"I... No, that's not what I meant. It just... She seems like she has some issues. And you deserve better than to-" 

"What Bellamy? Clarke deserves better than what?" Raven slides into the kitchen, in between Clarke and Bellamy. 

He looks at Raven with wide eyes and there's a spark of anger in them because he's not used to be undermined like that. 

"She doesn't speak... She...-" Bellamy begins but Clarke interrupts him. 

"I don't have to justify to you who I'm with and why. Lexa speaks more clear than anyone I've ever known and that's _despite_ her not being vocal." Clarke is just about ready to punch him in the face when Octavia enters the kitchen. 

"What's going on?" She asks with wide worried eyes. 

"Bellamy was just leaving." Raven says, her threatening eyes never leaving his.

"Bell? What did you do..." Octavia says, fear in her voice. 

"Nothing, O. It's fine. I'm leaving. I'm sorry. Happy birthday Rae." He shakes his head dismissively as he grabs his things and leaves the apartment. 

There's an uncomfortable silence in the room and it's suffocating Clarke. 

"I uh... I need a minute," she says, breaking the silence as she goes back to her room. 

She finds Lexa asleep curled up in a ball on top of the sheets and she slides in behind her. Clarke pulls Lexa in to her as she kisses her shoulder. 

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise," she whispers, but Lexa is asleep and doesn't hear it.


	5. Chapter V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things:  
> 1) Say I were to change the name of the series or make minor edits to a previous chapter... Do you get a notification mail about it? (you = someone who's subscribing) If you know, feel free to answer me here or on twitter (anonbeme), doesn't matter <3
> 
> 2) WOW! You guys really don't like Bellamy, huh ;) And here I wasn't sure you would appreciate the drama... my mistake. I don't think I've ever had so many comments about one particular thing before. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Keep it up, I love it! 
> 
> While this chapter is the aftermath of Bellamy's... actions, he's not actually in it. We'll meet him later, I promise ;) 
> 
> (I feel like I need to say that I'm not making Bellamy the bad guy because he's Bellamy. You know how they say "Maybe there are no good guys" on the show? I'd like to think that in my AU there are no bad guys. That's all I'm saying for now...)
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

Clarke wakes up Saturday morning to the smell of bacon and an empty bed.

Clarke knows immediately that something is up with Lexa. She'd left a note saying that she had something she needed to do and not to worry. But Clarke doesn't work that way. When it comes to her loved ones, telling her not to worry only makes her worry even more. 

Something is up with Lexa and Clarke doesn't like it one bit. 

Clarke works well under pressure. She's patient and observant and caring and a good listener and she knows how to make a decision on the spot when needed. That's why she's a great nurse. When it comes to fixing other people Clarke is your girl, but when it comes to fixing herself, Clarke is a mess. 

Clarke understands that Lexa sometimes need alone time to deal with things. What she doesn't understand is why it makes her scared. If she must be honest, there's always this feeling deep down inside that Lexa one day won't return to her. And that's even when Lexa assures her that she'll be back, that her being gone is only temporary, that she isn't _actually_ gone. 

Clarke trusts her. She knows she'll be back. It's like an uncontrollable image that settles in the back of her mind, that Lexa doesn't return. She's knows it's irrational but that's not enough to stop her fears from breaking through the surface. 

Her shrink says it's the aftermath of the trauma of losing Finn. That Clarke's fear of losing Lexa is not about not trusting her but a safety mechanism of some sort telling her that there's a possibility of something happening to Lexa. And in Clarke's mind that's enough to settle as a real fear. 

She knows this. She understands this. Still, the fear is there and it's real and it's destructive and she hates it. 

She pulls herself out of bed with a heavy heart and is surprised to find not only Raven but also Octavia and Lincoln in the kitchen. 

"Mornin' Clarke." Lincoln greets her with a gentle smile. 

Clarke stops in the doorway, she's groggy and hungry and perplexed to find so many faces in her kitchen and none of them are Lexa.

"Lexa made us promise to spoil you rotten and treat you like a queen today," Octavia says, patting the empty seat next to her, "Take a seat. We've got eggs and bacon and a day full of surprises."

"Uh... What?" Clarke doesn't understand anything, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Where is Lexa?" 

"She's out with Anya. It sounded important. She told us to keep you smiling while she was gone." Raven explains. 

Clarke relaxes immediately knowing that Anya is with her. She takes a seat with a heavy sigh. 

"How are you holding up, Clarke?" Raven asks pouring Clarke a cup of coffee. 

"I'm okay... I'm just... worried about Lexa. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about yesterday yet." Clarke accepts the cup of coffee and takes a sip, closing her eyes. 

"Listen, I'm sorry about Bell. I swear I'm gonna kick his ass when I see him." Octavia fumes. 

Clarke takes a deep breath, shaking her head. "I just... I don't understand what happened". Clarke narrows her eyes, shooting daggers into the depths of her coffee cup. 

"Anya thinks he's got feelings for you," Raven says, sending Clarke a sympathetic look because she knows Bellamy has made a pass on her a few times, but it was a long time ago and it stopped when she met Finn. Everyone thought he'd let Clarke go, even Clarke herself. 

"Well,... That doesn't justify how he talked about Lexa. Either way, he should know I don't like him that way." Clarke sighs. "Okay, I need plenty of distraction until I know Lexa is okay. What kind of surprises you got in store for me?" Clarke smiles, it's a bit of a melancholic kind of smile, but a smile nonetheless. 

"Nope. First you eat, then we talk secrets" Raven grins and it's good enough to make Clarke chuckle and that's a start, at least. 

*

"So, what are we doing here, sis?" Anya asks glancing around the coffee shop they're currently sitting in. Lexa brought the big notebook and Anya knows that it means she's got things on her mind she needs to share. Anya doesn't understand why they're in a coffee shop and not at home. She watches Lexa intently as she scribbles in her notebook. Anya thinks Lexa seems different this morning. She knows meeting Bellamy hit a nerve of som sort, but she can't tell for sure that it's the reason they're here now. 

But it is. 

Lexa turns the notebook around for Anya to read. 

_'Last night I realized some things about myself. I hate to admit it, but Bellamy made me feel insecure and helpless and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I woke up this morning next to Clarke and I felt ready to do something about it. I've been thinking about this for a while and I want to learn sign language. I want to help kids who can't hear or speak deal with their insecurities and teach them how to communicate with the world that scares them and doesn't accept them. Clarke mentioned this development program they run at the hospital doing exactly that and I want to be a part of it but I need to learn sign language. I've been talking shortly to a representative from the program and we're meeting her today to talk about what I need to do to become a part of it. You're here because I need your moral support.'_

Anya reads the page twice to make sure she doesn't miss anything. When she looks back up, she sees a blurry version of Lexa in front of her and she realizes she's crying. Only a little bit. 

"Lexa. That sounds awesome." Anya wipes a stray tear off her cheeks with the end of her shirt sleeve. "I'm proud of you."

Lexa grins back at her. 

"I mean it. I was _this close_ breaking Bellamy's obnoxious nose yesterday and this... This is so much better. I like this. I don't think you need me, though. You're ready!" Anya smiles. "I assume Clarke doesn't know yet?"

Lexa scribbles a new note. 

_'Not yet. I want a more complete plan before telling her. And I want to give her the opportunity to take classes with me, if she wants to.'_

"Mom and dad are gonna flip." Anya grins and Lexa rolls her eyes. "Speaking of the devils, fundraiser next month, let's bring Clarke and Raven and spice things up." Anya smirks and it looks like trouble. 

Lexa grins back at her because yeah that might actually make a memorable night she can't miss. 

For a moment in time, Lexa feels like that twelve year old rebellious version of herself out causing mayhem along her sister, not letting anything stop her from following whatever plans she's conjured up in her mind. 

*

The first distraction is the arcade. It's a sore sight watching four grown ups at war against each other in an environment mostly meant for children. Octavia and Raven are way too competitive for their own good but Clarke is having fun and so nothing else matters. 

The second distraction is lunch. There's a sandwich bar close to the hospital that Clarke loves a little bit more than a other sandwich bars in town and this day is about doing all the things that Clarke loves, so Lincoln makes a run for sandwiches while the girls find a perfect spot in the park to enjoy the sun. 

The third and last distraction is take-out, beer, ice cream, movies, board games and whatever else comes to mind on a Saturday night. Everyone is too tired to do anything else but exist and eat and relax at Clarke and Raven's place. 

Except Clarke. 

She loves her friends with all her heart and she appreciates the effort they make on this day. But she can't shake off the worry and so she waits silently and impatiently for Lexa to come back to her. 

"I know I'm depressing to be around but thank you for spending the day with me," Clarke sighs. 

"Any time," they say in unison. 

Then Clarke's phone buzzes and she grins at the phone seeing it's from Lexa. 

Lexa:  
_Hey love, how was your day?_

Clarke:  
_Fun, but I miss you. You?_

Lexa:  
_I miss you too. It's been a long day but I'm okay and I've got things to tell you. Tomorrow. I'll come by in the morning, is that okay?_

Clarke:  
_Good or bad things?_

Lexa:  
_Definitely good!_

Clarke:  
_In that case, I'm not sure I can wait 'til tomorrow..._

Lexa:  
_I wish I could be there sooner. Tomorrow, love. Sweet dreams._

Clarke:  
_Goodnight Lex <3_

*

Clarke wakes up Sunday morning as a warm naked body slides in next to her in bed. She hums sleepily as Lexa's arm snake around her waist and pulls her in closer.

"Hey..." Clarke croaks.

Lexa leaves soft kisses on her shoulder and up her neck and she feels Clarke melt in her arms. 

"You're here..." Clarke twists so she can face Lexa and she trails a finger from Lexa's knee up her thigh, up her ribs and shoulder until her finger meets Lexa's jaw. She cups Lexa's cheek and watches her eyes flutter shut just inches from her own. Lexa sighs contentedly and a soft smile pulls at her lips and Clarke can't wait any longer, so she pulls Lexa into a kiss and Lexa pulls her even closer. And she keeps pulling until Clarke is on top of her, her golden hair a mess around their hungry lips. Lexa clumsily attempts to pull off Clarke's t-shirt and Clarke chuckles against her lips when she fails. Lexa then pouts and it makes Clarke smile, because Lexa's pouty face is one of Clarke's favorite things. 

They're both frozen in time as Clarke studies Lexa beneath her. "You okay?" she wants to know and Lexa nods, never breaking eye contact, and Clarke is so madly in love with that beautiful smile on Lexa's lips that her heart almost bursts. 

"I wouldn't mind if you were to wake me up like this more often," Clarke smirks before pulling teasingly at Lexa's lower lip. 

In this moment of time neither Clarke nor Lexa lets any of their insecurities control them. All they need right now is to be close enough to be able to love each other the way they both deserve it. The way they both need it. 

*

It's lunch time when Clarke wakes up for the second time. She drinks in the comfort of Lexa's warm body against her own. She thinks about how Lexa made sure she was okay while she was gone and she feels silly for letting her fears of losing Lexa take up so much room in her body. 

With every breath, Lexa's chest rises slowly, peacefully underneath Clarke. She lifts her head just enough to leave a soft kiss on Lexa's jaw. 

Lexa traces her knuckles along Clarke's arm to let her know she's awake too. 

"We should probably get up... eat something..." Clarke sighs and she can't pinpoint what it is but Lexa's demeanor changes and Clarke automatically seeks Lexa's eyes to figure out what those changes mean. Lexa looks at her with a careful, amused smirk and Clarke realizes what she just said.

"Oh shush... You've been spending too much time with Raven..." Clarke laughs, blushing a little and Lexa leaves a soft kiss on Clarke's forehead. 

*

Both Anya and Raven are in the kitchen when they eventually get out of bed. 

"We spend too much time in this kitchen." Clarke says thoughtfully. "We need a bigger kitchen... And more comfy chairs." She grins. "And bigger windows."

"Sure, if you leave now I'll have all that ready for you by dinner." Raven answers sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"'preciate it." Clarke winks at Raven as she takes a seat by the counter. "Sunday tradition?" Clarke asks and they both nod. 

Lexa enters the kitchen shortly after with a written letter for Clarke. Clarke looks at her questioningly, "for me?" to which Lexa nods. 

She meant to give it to Clarke earlier but she got distracted the second she found Clarke asleep. She stayed up late writing the letter. It explains where she was yesterday and why she left in the first place. It also explains about her meeting with the representative for the kids' development program and how she wants to do what's necessary to be a part of it. It explains that she's signing up for sign language classes and if Clarke wants to join her, she's welcome, but absolutely not necessary because she likes the way they're communicating. 

Clarke reads and reads until she's done reading and when she looks back up at Lexa it's with the brightest of smiles Clarke has ever held for Lexa. 

"This is amazing Lex." She jumps out of her chair and into Lexa's arms to hug her. And kiss her. And Raven groans and mumbles, "get a room, we're eating here," but when they both look at her, she's smiling at them. 

This morning feels like the start of something really good, not only for Lexa, but for Clarke too.


	6. Chapter VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I've said this before but I'm madly in love with all your kudos and comments <3
> 
> I've had a really hard time replying to some of those for chapter five because I didn't know how to and not spoil anything. Just know that I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts :)
> 
> It's time for the fundraiser and the introduction of Lexa and Anya's parents. 
> 
> And uh, one more thing: I don't know sign language, so it's entirely Google's fault if any of it is wrong... :) 
> 
> ~anonbeme

It's a mild August afternoon and the sisters are in a peculiar mood. Their parents' fundraiser is tonight and neither of them really want to go, but their parents don't ask them for much, in fact nothing at all except from their appearance at occasional events such as tonight's fundraiser. It's a matter of appearance, they don't even deny it, the image of running a successful company along with a successful family is of high value in their line of business. It's something neither of the sisters really care about, but their parents do and despite everything Lexa and Anya are both mature enough to do this for them. Occasionally. They usually just hit the bar for a while and then leaves early. 

"I don't know, babe, you're not selling it," Raven says when Anya sighs heavily at the thought of going to this fundraiser.

"You're not backing out, Rae. I swear I need you there to keep me sane tonight." Anya is so tense that it comes out more of a threat than anything else. 

Raven gives her the OK sign, thumb and index finger creating a circle and if smiles can be sarcastic, Raven's smile is one of those. As Anya looks out the window, longingly towards any other situation than this one, Raven looks playfully at Lexa as she lowers her OK sign and flips it so her three loose fingers point downwards instead as she nudges her head towards Anya. 

Lexa grins as she realizes Raven is doing the sign for asshole, not because Anya is actually an asshole, but because she loves how Raven doesn't accept any of Anya's bullshit. 

"Wait... What does that mean?" Clarke asks confused. 

Lexa shakes her head and Raven smirks. "Let's just say that I dated a deaf girl once and she taught me a few swear words... well, signs." Raven grins mischievously wiggling her eyebrows, a grin that turns into an innocent smile as Anya narrows her eyes at her. 

Lexa doesn't stop grinning, though. She likes bonding with Raven over sign language because Raven makes it fun and it's their thing, helping each other deal with the part of them that's incomplete. They don't use the word inability, because they're very much able, just not in the conventional sense. To both of them, their bonding is not just moral support but also common understanding of personal experiences. 

Clarke had decided not to join Lexa's sign language classes. Not because she didn't want to, in fact she'd do anything Lexa asks of her, whatever she needs it, but this one is up to Clarke and she thinks it should be Lexa's thing. Clarke also really likes the way they communicate now because Lexa not speaking has given them a more intimate way to talk and she doesn't want sign language to mess with that. 

Also, she kind of likes asking Lexa to teach her particular words in sign, she likes how proud Lexa smiles while doing so and that's how she knows not partaking in classes was the right decision. For Lexa _and_ for herself. 

Love was the first word Lexa taught her by request. 

Bacon was the second. 

Then Clarke had woken up one morning grinning as she pointed to herself saying _'I'_ , then crossing her arms over her chest as if hugging herself saying _'love'_ and she knew Lexa was waiting for the _'you'_ sign, but instead Clarke had done the sign for bacon and Lexa had rolled her eyes at her and disarmed her by pinning her arms over her head as she left slow commanding kisses on Clarke's neck until Clarke's laughter turned into heavy breathing instead. 

*

The event is extravagant, for Clarke and Raven at least. There are hors d'oeuvres and expensive champagne and luxurious dresses and tuxedos and bright smiles and firm handshakes all over the place. 

To Lexa and Anya it's all a superficial setting, one they grew up hating because it took away their parents.

Both sisters are wearing long black dresses, sparkling in the evening, their braided hair so detailed that Clarke keeps gaping at it wishing she'd brought her sketchbook. Raven is flaunting her sassiness in black dress pants and a red sleeveless top, her leg brace and cane makes for a less polished appearance but her confident bright smile makes up for it. Clarke wears that blue one shoulder dress she knows Lexa loves, it's the same deep blue color as her eyes. Her golden hair is pulled up in a delicate mash of braids entangled in a bun and Lexa has a hard time concentrating on anything else but the fact that Clarke's soft spot, that ticklish spot on her neck is _right there_ out in the open.

"Is that the mayor?" Clarke asks in disbelief. 

Lexa has to force her eyes off Clarke's naked shoulder to look at the person she's referring to and yes, it is the mayor. She replies, nodding, an amused smile on her face.

"Wow, your parents _are_ important," Clarke says. What she doesn't know, though, is that there are even more important people joining the event later, as in state government important. 

Clarke and Raven shares an impressed look, something neither sisters can relate to anymore. 

"I need alcohol," Anya mutters as she leads them towards the bar. 

"You need to get laid," Raven scoffs and when Anya glares at her threateningly, she smirks victoriously. 

"So, why don't you like these events?" Clarke asks curiously. 

Lexa looks to Anya sighing resignedly which in translation means _'please tell her because I can't bear writing all this down'_. 

"Long story short neither of us wants to be a part of this world and when you grow up being trained to be the perfect little mannequinn in this game you come to hate it really fast. At least, we did. So yeah, free food and free alcohol and all that is nice, but I'd rather just spend my evenings leaning back, throwing my feet onto a coffee table, eat pizza, drink beer, kiss my girlfriend, fall asleep on the couch and drool on the cushions." Halfway through Anya's ranting her scowl turns to a soft smile only meant for Raven who leans in to place a kiss on her cheek.

"I guess that makes sense," Clarke reasons thoughtfully. 

"Anya! Alexandra! I'm glad you could make it." A female voice jumps in. 

"Mom. Dad." Anya greets them with a fake smile worthy of an Oscar. "This is my girlfriend, Raven Reyes and Lexa's girlfriend Clarke Griffin. Raven, Clarke, this is mom and dad, Indra and Gustus Woods." 

"Nice to meet you," Raven says and Clarke chips in with an agreeing nod and a "Thank you for the invitation." 

Clarke is a bit surprised. In front of her stand two charming individuals with warm eyes, confident smiles and an integrity that tells Clarke that they are hardworking people working for a cause they strongly believe in. It's not about the money, but the cause. It wasn't the picture Lexa and Anya's stories had created in her mind. 

"How are things at the office, Anya?" Gustus asks his oldest daughter.

"It's fine. Still good." Anya replies with no emotion in her voice, like she's used to this question and it's always the same answer. 

"Good. And you Alexandra? Still at the... library?" He looks to his youngest and Clarke feels Lexa tense next to her. Lexa nods a yes because it's the easiest way to get this conversation over with. Clarke places a comforting hand on the small of Lexa's back and she immediately feels Lexa relax a bit. 

"Still not talking, honey?" Indra says casually, "If you would just let us, we could find you someone to help wi-" 

"Mom!" Anya hisses. 

"What? I'm just saying your sister can be so much more if she would just accept a little help." Their mom explains in a calm voice. 

"See, that's the problem. You refuse to see her as anyone other than what you want her to be, and she's not that person, she never will be. She's so much more." Anya scolds her parents and then looks at her sister. She's debating whether or not leaving this event is the right thing to do. She doesn't want to embarrass Lexa by leaving too early but she also feels the need to protect her sister. 

"Coffee table, pizza, beer?" Anya asks Lexa and Lexa smiles at her and shrugs. "Rae? Clarke?" Anya looks to their dates. 

"I'm a plus one, I go where Lexa goes," Clarke says, squeezing Lexa's hand and Raven nods her agreement. 

"Okay then. Mom, Dad, it's been lovely, let's do this again sometime. We need to go, we've got more important plans tonight." Anya tells her parents as she puts down her champagne flute and walks towards the exit, the other three tagging along as Indra and Gustus Woods stare disbelievingly after them. 

"Well, at least they showed up this time," Indra says. 

"She's always been rebellious that one," Gustus smiles.

"Yes, she got that from you," his wife says, kissing his cheek.

"They have their stubbornness from you," he chuckles, putting a hand on her hip. "They'll be alright. Come on, let's mingle."

*

"Aaalright. Popcorn, beer, ice cream, sweatpants..." Clarke wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at her audience as she names the last one and then she takes a seat between Lexa and Raven on the couch.

"Before I start this movie I must know..." she looks at Lexa with a raised eyebrow, "Alexandra?" 

Lexa shrugs like it's the most normal thing in the world. 

"That's all you have to say?" Clarke looks dumbfounded. 

Lexa shrugs again, this time with a grin.

"I'll make this easy for you," Anya says. "She's Alexandra in mom and dad's inner circle and Lexa everywhere else."

"Well... I like it. Both." Clarke grins, leaning in to steal a kiss from Lexa's lips. 

"Get a room!" Raven smirks. "And start this damn movie before I turn eighty and need a walker to get anywhere."

"Alright... Alright!" Clarke sighs and presses the start button. She leans back and Lexa automatically slides an arm behind her shoulder, tugging her in closer. 

About two minutes into the movie she bites her lip thoughtfully. "We need a bigger couch... or an extra couch," she says, mostly to herself, her eyes still on the movie. 

"We need a bigger living room before that," Anya contemplates. 

Lexa and Raven nods in agreement as it was the most common thing to be discussing during this fundraiser-turned-sweatpants night. 

"And a jacuzzi," Raven smiles dreamily and Clarke chuckles because a jacuzzi has always been on the top of Raven's wishlist. 

"And a second bathroom," Anya sighs. 

"What about you, Lex? What do you need?" Clarke finds her hand and starts drawing circles with her index finger in Lexa's palm. 

Lexa's answer is a kiss to Clarke's temple but that's not good enough for Clarke who raises her eyebrow motioning for her to define whatever that kiss means. 

Lexa smiles that half smile of hers, the one only meant for Clarke, as she points at Clarke's chest to indicate she only needs 'you', she only needs Clarke. Clarke smiles sheepishly a that and may or may not blush a little, it's hard to tell in the dim light of the living room.

"Oh barf," Raven scoffs. "Do better, Alexandra," she challenges, enunciating every syllable in Lexa's full first name mockingly. Anya snorts and holds her hand up for Raven to a high-five, smirking at her little sister. 

Lexa narrows her eyes at the two sitting on the other side of Clarke. Okay, she'll take the challenge.

She really only needs a split second to come to the realization that she has all she needs right here. Clarke who makes her happy, her sister who looks out for her and Raven who's a good friend and makes sure her sister is happy too.

Sure, it gets a little crowded sometimes, but Lexa doesn't mind. She'd rather have everyone in a tiny place than no one in a big place. The only thing she ever really uses at her own apartment is her bed on the few nights she isn't at Clarke's, her clothes that aren't at Clarke's and of course her piano. She goes home most afternoons after work to play the piano for a few hours before going to Clarke's. Yeah, she needs her piano. Always. Nearly as much as she needs Clarke. 

Lexa pretends to play the piano, sign for piano, and Clarke smiles because she loved watching Lexa becoming more confident using sign language to communicate. It suits her, Clarke thinks. 

"Sis needs her piano, which means we need even more space." Anya smiles, her eyes still on the movie. 

"Are you writing a shopping list for our new apartment or something?" Raven teases. 

"You never know," Anya shrugs, playing along. 

Everyone nods distractedly, still somewhat hung up on the movie. 

And there's not one person on that couch that doesn't find Anya's answer plausible.


	7. Chapter VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I learned that you guys are _really_ hooked on the idea of all of them moving in together... let's see how that goes ;) 
> 
> We'll meet their parents again later in the story, but for now, Bellamy is back... 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think <3  
> ~anonbeme

It's one of those windy days in early Fall, not stormy, just... windy. The trees are still green for the most part and the fallen leaves on the ground are not many but they're beautiful, not yet rotten brown, but yellow and red and such. 

It's the recipe of any typical September day, really, even today is a typical Sunday too. 

Clarke and Lexa spend it on their bench in the park. Lexa studies sign charts and practices while Clarke draws Fall landscapes and fallen leaves twirling in the air and when she's not concentrating on her sketchbook, she studies Lexa practicing. Clarke loves Lexa's hands. She loves how elegantly they move as Lexa plays the piano, or practices signs, or runs those fingers across her naked skin. Clarke has spent countless of hours studying Lexa's hands and then she's spent countless of hours drawing them. 

To think that it's only been seven months since she sat down on a bench next to a stranger, to think that that very same stranger turned out to be this amazing woman who against all odds has opened up her heart again and brought love back into her life. To think that it's _only_ been seven months. It feels like so much longer, like she's known Lexa for years, decades, lifetimes even. 

Clarke closes her eyes and smiles against the wind letting it cool off her cheeks. She hums softly when Lexa leans in to steal a kiss from her lips, feeling Lexa's smile against her own. 

It's like gravity.

It's like a law of nature defining that Clarke and Lexa always will be pulled towards each other like apples falling towards the ground and if they were to bounce off of each other for a moment in time, they'll always find each other again. 

Always. 

Clarke's phone buzzes in her pocket and wakes her from this peaceful moment. She sees the sender's name and narrows her eyes in frustration. 

"It's Bellamy," Clarke shares and Lexa copies Clarke's frustration. 

Bellamy:  
_Hey Clarke. I feel terrible about the things I said. I want to make it up to you. Can we meet up and talk? Octavia's birthday is on Saturday and both you and she deserves that things don't get weird..._

Clarke stares at her phone until Lexa slides her tiny notebook in front of her. 

_'Are you okay?'_

Clarke blinks a few times as she comes to terms with the anger in her lungs. 

"Yeah... Yes, I'm okay. I'm just... I'm still angry at him. How about you, I mean, are you okay going to Octavia's party with him there?" Clarke twists on the bench to face Lexa and she watches Lexa's long eyelashes as they flutter shut a few times. Clarke has been drawing those countless of times as well. 

_'I'm not totally comfortable with him, but I want to be there for Octavia. I've got you, I'll be okay.'_ She writes. 

"Are you sure?" 

Lexa nods and steals another kiss from Clarke's lips. Because gravity. 

"Okay." Clarke closes her eyes to drink in this moment. Ever since Lexa stole her sight at the concert hall Clarke has been doing this more often, closing her eyes to be more present in her own body. It helps her to understand her own emotions better. 

She sighs heavily before texting Bellamy back. 

Clarke:  
_There's nothing to talk about, Bellamy. Just show Lexa the respect she deserves and it won't get weird. I'll see you Saturday._

*

Saturday happens and it's weird, not a lot, but enough to make things awkward. Bellamy tries to act normally around Clarke and Lexa. He tries, at least. He's got Octavia, Raven and Anya all shooting him daggers the second he looks at Clarke for too long or the wrong way. It eventually gets so intense that he flees out on their balcony watching the sunset with a heavy heart.

He knows he has a tendency to speak before thinking things through which is exactly what got him in this mess. He knows Clarke doesn't return his feelings, he's known for years, and really, all he wants is for her to be happy, to be treated right. And he knows he didn't give Lexa the chance she deserves to prove herself worthy of Clarke's heart. 

He questioned Clarke's judgment in an accusatory manner. Yeah, he fucked up royally this time. 

Lexa is the only one noticing Bellamy fleeing out on to the balcony. There's a part of her that feels sorry for him because she can tell he's trying to make amends and Lexa believes in second chances, so she joins him on the balcony with her notebook ready. 

_'How about we start over?'_

Bellamy looks her with wide eyes, clearly surprised to see Lexa of all people there. 

And for the first time, Lexa sees the broken man that is Bellamy. It's like looking in a mirror, the pain that leaves you mute, even just for a moment. 

Bellamy nods cautiously. He knows he doesn't deserve a second chance, but here it is and he won't take it for granted. He might be hot-headed at times, but he certainly isn't a fool. 

Lexa holds up the next prepared message with a smile on her lips. 

_'I've heard many great things about you, Bellamy. It's nice to finally meet you.'_

He chuckles as he reads the message and then looks up at her, his face drawn in the most humble of ways. 

"Uh, thank you, Lexa. I'm sorry about the impression I gave you the last time. I honestly don't know what came over me and to be frank, I'm deeply ashamed about it because I'm usually not like that."

And Lexa believes him. 

So she writes a new note. 

_'Apology accepted.'_

"I don't think I deserve it that easily. I will make up for it, Lexa. I promise," he says. 

And Lexa still believes him. 

"So, Lexa, tell me, how did you and Clarke meet?" 

Lexa spends the next half hour talking to Bellamy on the balcony. Lexa tells him about how she met Clarke and Bellamy tells her stories about his childhood growing up along Clarke and Raven and they realize that they share one great passion, classical music. Bellamy doesn't play any instrument himself, apart from a few bonfire classics on the guitar, but he loves and admires the art nonetheless. 

Lexa thinks that maybe, if Clarke can forgive Bellamy, they could become friends too. She'd like that.

None of them notices how Clarke has been watching them through the balcony door. She saw Lexa sneak out onto the balcony earlier, she saw her iniate a conversation with Bellamy, and when she realized that Lexa had this under control she went back to celebrate Octavia with a tequila shot or two. When Anya started telling Raven stories about her childhood, stories including Lexa, she decided she was missing Lexa a bit too much which is the reason she's now back observing Lexa and Bellamy through the balcony door. 

Clarke is absolutely awestruck. 

_This woman._

And then gravity happens. 

Lexa's smile is bright and affectious and Clarke walks subconsciously through the balcony door and slides up next to Lexa, a hand on the small of her back and a kiss to her cheek. 

"There you are," she breathes and Lexa glows. 

"Clarke," Bellamy greets her with a humble nod and Clarke knows that he's made peace with Lexa and the fact that they're together, so she pulls him into a hug saying, "Thank you, Bellamy."

"No, Clarke. I'm sorry, I really am. I was just telling Lexa here that I'm going to make it up to you. Somehow. That's a promise. Now please excuse me, I've got a couple more individuals I need to apologize to. Lexa, it was nice talking to you," he says, his confident smile back in place for the first time tonight as he walks back inside. 

Then Lexa snakes an arm around Clarke's waist pulling her gently into her as Clarke's arms find their home around Lexa's neck. 

"I love you," Clarke murmurs against her lips before kissing her softly. "But I don't understand how you were able to stand out here for so long, it's freezing," she whines. 

And under the starlit night sky Lexa chuckles and it melts Clarke's heart and the cold is forgotten as Lexa pulls her in even closer, rubbing her hands over her back to keep her warm.

*

They leave the party early. 

Because Octavia is happily drunk on tequila shots and Lincoln says she won't remember anyways.

Because Clarke has plans for Lexa and she can't wait any longer. 

Because gravity. 

Back in her room, Clarke walks up behind Lexa. "Do you trust me?" she whispers close to her ear. Lexa nods, her throat dry with anticipation as Clarke runs a finger purposefully down Lexa's spine. 

Clarke then pulls a blue silk from her pocket. "I found this the other day and thought we could finally put it to good use," she husks as she carefully blindfolds Lexa. She runs the palm of her hands from Lexa's shoulders down her back and around her waist pulling her softly closer until her lips are against her neck. 

"I'm stealing your sight," she whispers playfully and Lexa smiles remembering that night at the concert hall.

Clarke takes a step back and Lexa frowns already missing Clarke's touch. Clarke slowly walks in front of Lexa and smiles when she sees Lexa pouting. 

"Turn that frown upside down," Clarke whispers as she pulls her own shirt over her head. 

If anything, Lexa has incredible hearing. She hears the shirt fall to the ground and she feels the smallest puff of air from the impact against her ankle. She hears Clarke unbuckle her belt and unzipping her jeans. Clarke watches Lexa's lips turn into a smile as she unclasps her bra because she knows Lexa can hear the snap and she wonders what kind of images Lexa has in her head right now. She leaves her panties on, those are for Lexa to deal with. 

Clarke takes a step closer and begins the task of unbuttoning Lexa's shirt. Every button undone is a teasing kiss to Lexa's jaw, neck, collarbone, chest... and Lexa is blissfully paralyzed by the intensity. Clarke slides Lexa's jeans off with a kiss right below her navel. And once Lexa is freed from all her clothes, Clarke steps even closer and pulls her into a hug and they stand like that, hands on hips and lips on shoulders and eyes closed and beating hearts until Lexa picks Clarke up, Clarke gasping from the surprise as she wraps her legs around Lexa's waist and her arms around Lexa's shoulders. 

"I hope you took notice of where the bed is, I'm not helping you." Clarke leans in to kiss Lexa, entangling fingers in her hair and Lexa smirks against her lips as she turns ninety degrees to the left, takes three confident steps and lowers Clarke effortlessly to the bed as if Clarke was weightless, as if she'd done this a million times before. 

And then gravity again.

Lexa lowers her head to leave a kiss on Clarke's scar above her heart and _this_ she has done a million times, at least it feels like it, and it leaves Clarke breathless every time. 

It's inevitable. 

There are infinite stars dancing on the clear sky tonight and although Lexa is blindfolded, she sees them all behind her eyelids as she melts into Clarke. Lips on skin, lips on lips, skin against skin. She feels them burn in her veins as Clarke gasps underneath her. It's a sound that vibrates through her body and she aches to hear it again. Always. 

"I was... You were... Damn it, Lexa!" Clarke whines breathlessly because the plan was to seduce Lexa, not the other way around, but when Lexa kisses her like that she only knows how to obey whatever Lexa commands. 

Because gravity. 

Lexa smiles against her hipbone as she hooks a finger around the hem of her panties, before she helps Clarke see the stars too.


	8. Chapter VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for appreciating the gravity thing in chapter seven <3
> 
> Some of you don't want all of them to move in together, some of you do... We'll see what happens. I won't spoil it ;) 
> 
> I've had a few comments telling me I use ranya too much and yeah I can see that if you only want clexa stuff. This AU though won't be what I need it to be if I cut them out because Lexa depending on Anya and Clarke depending on Raven is hella important to their story. You'll see them slowly becoming their own as a couple relying not only on each other but their own self as well. It's a process... and it might be slow for some of you. For that I'm sorry, but I don't know how to "speed it up" without losing my connection to this. 
> 
> But chapter seven is mostly clexa, only a little Raven as Lexa's sidekick (kinda). 
> 
> Also, new character is introduced. Enter Niylah. 
> 
> So yeah, enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme 
> 
> Ps. I've moved into Tumblr at [anonbemetoo.tumblr.com](http://anonbemetoo.tumblr.com) so if you want to talk to me about clexa, fanfic or something else entirely (as you or as an anon) now you can do that too.
> 
> Pps. I changed the name of the series. Sorry for any confusion it might have caused.

Waking up the next morning feels to Lexa like walking through fire, like angry flames licking painfully against her skin. It burns but she's freezing, so she tugs herself in closer to Clarke's naked body to steal some of her body heat. 

Lexa doesn't get sick, ever, so standing out on the balcony in the cold air with Bellamy wasn't any concern of hers. Because she doesn't ever get sick. 

She leans her forehead against the spot between Clarke's shoulder blades and Clarke's skin feels so deliciously cold that she huffs out a breath of displeasure when Clarke breaks the physical contact to turn around to face her. 

Clarke presses her lips against Lexa's forehead and whispers against her skin, "You're running a fever, Lex."

Lexa wants to deny it but her head feels heavy and the headache is unbearable so the authoritative shake of the head she's planning to answer Clarke with never happens. 

So instead she pouts, her lower lip curling slightly outwards. 

Clarke chuckles, she gently unties the blue silk that still hangs around Lexa's neck, before pulling her in closer.

Lexa wants to scold Clarke for making fun of her, but the comfort of Clarke's arms lulls her back to sleep almost immediately. 

*

It's around noon when a quite miserable looking Lexa enters the kitchen, barefooted, in sweatpants, a large baggy t-shirt and untamed hair. She slumps down on a chair next to Clarke who is fully concentrated drawing twirling leaves in her sketchbook. 

Lexa places her notebook in front of Clarke with a tired, heavy thud against the counter surface. 

_'Sunday tradition?'_

Clarke gives her the best unimpressed raised eyebrow she can muster and then Lexa gives her the lost puppy look in return, glassy tired green eyes, _pleading_ eyes, those kind of eyes that try their best to brave it up but are in no way successful hiding the shade of defeat. 

If Clarke wasn't a nurse, she'd probably fall for it. _Those damn eyes_.

"You need to go back to bed. Food first, then bed." Clarke says gently. 

Lexa shakes her head and points to her note again, her adorably pathetic pout in place and Clarke can't hold back the bright laughter that erupts from her chest, feeling a little guilty when Lexa immediately starts frowning.

"You're sick, Lex, come on, let me take care of you." Clarke rises from her chair and pulls her into a hug and Lexa's body slumps heavily against Clarke's chest and it feels like her body has accepted Clarke's conditions even though her mind still wants to go to the park. But Lexa's mind is too weak to fight her body, so she nods against Clarke's shoulder and let's Clarke guide her to the couch. 

Clarke brings her water, painkillers, her notebook, the TV remote, a warm blanket and warm socks. 

Clarke has these fluffy warm socks she always wears when it's cold. They're colorful and _so Clarke_ and Lexa likes that Clarke intentionally always wears two different kinds because every time she points that out to Clarke she always breaks into this goofy grin. Lexa loves that goofy grin. Today she's wearing an orange and a blue sock. They're complimentary colors and Clarke has a thing for complimentary colors. It's a bit nerdy but Lexa likes Nerdy Clarke, she's passionate about things, passionate and adorable. It's a combination that always leaves Lexa weak in the knees. 

Clarke waves a pair of socks excitedly in front of Lexa, also an orange and a blue. 

"Here, put these on," Clarke softly commands, taking a seat on the couch in the crook of Lexa's knees. But Lexa scowls at them like they are the spawn of Satan. 

"Okay, what's wrong with the socks?" Clarke asks, not entirely sure this is the best way to go about it. 

Lexa picks up her notebook, scribbles something and gives it to Clarke. 

_'They don't match'_

"Oh... But I thought we could be sock buddies today." Clarke says teasingly, a playful wiggle of her eyebrows as she shakes her orange foot high enough for Lexa to be able to see it.

Lexa isn't impressed. Not at all. She sighs and pulls the blanket up under her chin and snuggles into the cushions of the couch and Clarke chuckles, shaking her head amused by Lexa's behavior. So a sick Lexa means a stubborn five year old, good to know. 

"Okay... I'll find you matching socks. Anything else you need?" Clarke's voice is as soft and caring as the hand rubbing Lexa's thigh through the blanket. 

Lexa pulls one hand out from under the blanket to make a sign she knows Clarke knows. She should've studied sign language sooner, it's quite handy for situations like this, Lexa thinks. 

"Ice cream?" Clarke ask excitedly and Lexa nods. "YES! I'm getting good at this signing thing," Clarke grins. "Tell you what, I'll make you soup and if you eat that I'll consider the ice cream." 

It's not a question, it's not even a negotiation. It's a demand and Lexa wants to protest. If she wants ice cream she'll eat ice cream. And only ice cream, damn it! But then Clarke looks at her like her heart is breaking just watching Lexa lie there in her miserable state and she can't make herself defy Clarke. She'll eat the damn soup if it makes Clarke happy. If Clarke's happy, she's happy. 

And ice cream.

Ice cream makes her happy too. 

*

Clarke makes her chicken noodle soup and Lexa eats it reluctantly, but not more so than she closes her eyes appreciatively because it's the best damn chicken noodle soup she's ever had. 

Clarke makes both of them a bowl of ice cream and joins Lexa on the couch and puts on a movie. Lexa smiles lazily every time the cold ice cream slides down her throat easing the pain and Clarke wants to kiss her every time. 

Setting her empty bowl on the coffee table, Lexa then snuggles up to Clarke on the couch, her head on Clarke's lap and she smiles blissfully every time Clarke runs her cool fingers through chestnut hair. Lexa is somewhere between asleep and not nearly awake when Clarke lays her cold palm against the burning skin on her neck. 

"Love you," Lexa murmurs into the blankets. 

It's barely a sound against the noise from the TV, but to Clarke it's the kind of sound that mutes everything else out. It's like christmas and birthdays and a first kiss and bacon all wrapped up in one perfect mix and so Clarke can't help the beaming smile on her lips and the water in her eyes as she looks at a peaceful Lexa in her lap. 

"Love you too, Lex." Clarke whispers and a sleepy smile sneaks it's way onto Lexa's lips. 

*

By Tuesday Raven joins Lexa on the couch. Not because of a fever but because she needs to not be alone. Raven got better for a while, but she's hit a rough patch again.

There's an unspoken routine between the two. Raven takes a seat next to Lexa, sighing heavily as she does so. It's like the good kind, the kind that drags bad things out of one's body. Then Lexa gives her about five minutes to bite her lip nervously before looking at her with a curious look. _Then_ Raven sighs heavily once more before telling Lexa some cryptic version of whatever she feels at the moment and Lexa will have to raise one eyebrow in confusion before Raven then sighs one more time before finally elaborating whatever it is into something Lexa actually understands.

It works for them. 

"Sometimes I wish they would just shut up." Raven's cryptic message of the day. 

Lexa gives her the confused look, not understanding who she's talking about. 

"The voices. No. The thoughts. They're... I've got so many random thoughts in my head and they won't shut up." Raven presses her eyes shut leaning her head against the back of the couch.

They sit there in silence for a while until Raven leans her head on Lexa's shoulder and sighs. "Thank you", she says and Lexa doesn't know why because she didn't do anything except just sit there and listen and _not_ talk. But that's exactly what Raven needs and that's why it works for them. It's as if Raven just needs an opportunity to voice whatever is on her mind and once it's out there it's no longer making a mess *inside*. 

Out of mind, out of matter. 

Raven eventually rises from the couch. "I've got a check up, wanna tag along?" 

Lexa doesn't even hesitate before nodding. She's needs fresh air and she's feeling a lot better today, no fever, so yeah, why not? She'll deal with the demon that is the inside of the hospital when she gets there. 

For now though, she wants to just be around Raven. 

*

They stop in front of the swing doors at the hospital entrance, Lexa biting her lip nervously, Raven leaning against her cane. 

"Them bastards! Who do they think they are with their swinging and letting people in and out..." Raven mocks the swing doors with a threatening fist and a humorous twinkle in her eyes and Lexa can't help the smile that forms on her face. She appreciates Raven's efforts to distract her with humor. It works. To some extent. 

Lexa needs to remind herself that even though Costia died in this building, it's not all it is. She pictures Clarke in her uniform walking down the familiar corridors with her bright smile and caring heart and happy eyes and that golden hair in that messy ponytail. Clarke does great things in this building. Great things happen in this building. Bad things too. But the great things matter the most. 

So Lexa takes one step forward. And one more. And then another... And Raven is right behind her with a proud smile, almost forgetting the shooting pain in her hip. She watches Lexa cautiously step through the swing doors and then she watches the tension in Lexa's shoulders disappear as Lexa takes a deep breath and nods to herself. 

"Bad-ass," Raven says appreciatively and it makes Lexa feel oddly proud. 

*

Clarke is there waiting for Raven outside the doctor's office. It's her way of supporting Raven, always making sure she's there with Raven for her check ups. Raven doesn't need it but Clarke insists, so she doesn't have it in her to say no. Besides, she likes the comforting hugs Clarke always has for her when she comes back out. 

"Hey Rae." Clarke pulls her into a hug like always and then walks up to Lexa to kiss her on the cheek. "Fancy seeing you here," she winks. 

Clarke doesn't say it but she didn't expect to see Lexa back inside the hospital anytime soon. It makes her happy, though, it means that Lexa is coping with her hospital anxiety. 

Clarke smiles warmly at Lexa and Lexa feels prouder than before. Because she did this without Clarke's help which means progress. Progress is good because she needs to be able to enter the hospital on a regular basis if she wants to be a part of the childrens' program. 

"I'll see you in a bit," Raven says as she enters the doctor's office. 

"Break a leg!" Clarke calls after her, her voice in a playful tone, because she knows Raven appreciates the morbidity of those words.

As the door closes, Lexa pulls Clarke in to a full body bear hug and presses her lips softly against Clarke's forehead. 

"Mmmh... What's that for?" Clarke hums and Lexa responds pulling Clarke in even closer. 

Clarke chuckles lightly. "I guess that means you're feeling better?" 

Lexa nods. 

"You look better today. And I see you defied the evil swing doors too." Clarke teases lightly and Lexa grins because yeah she did and it feels awesome. 

They take a seat in the waiting room. Clarke pulls her chair closer to Lexa's and leans into her and every fiber in Clarke's body sighs peacefully while every cell in Lexa's body beams happily. 

They sit there drinking each other in enjoying this tiny break together while waiting on Raven. 

"Lex?" Clarke's voice tiptoes weightlessly in the space between them and Lexa kisses Clarke's hair to let her know she's listening. Clarke twists in her seat to face Lexa, her eyes a shade of curious as she says, “How do you say _kiss me_?"

Lexa knows this is Clarke's way of supporting her and she appreciates the effort, but the truth is, Lexa doesn't want them to communicate with signs. She wants Clarke to always use her beautiful voice and she wants to keep communicating like they've always done, it's so uniquely them and Lexa loves it for two reasons. One, she really likes the intimacy it causes, the fact that physical contact is necessary for it to work. It's an important part of their relationship she never wants to be without. Two, Lexa believes that Clarke's acceptance from the beginning is the main reason to her recent growth. It makes her want to be a better version of herself and it's something she only just realized after she picked up signing. 

Lexa wants to give Clarke everything she asks for and she'll eventually cave on this request too, but right now they're alone in the waiting area and she wants to have a little fun. 

She smiles at Clarke, subtly smirking the way she knows makes Clarke blush sometimes. She holds Clarke's gaze as she leans forward a few inches and when she can feel Clarke's warm breath on her lips she gently bites down on her own lip, just the corner, the way she knows makes Clarke a flustered mess. The reaction is subtle but Lexa picks up on it when the corner of Clarke's lips curl into a tiny shy smile. Then Lexa lowers her gaze to look at Clarke's lips, shamelessly parting her own just the slightest. When she looks back up her favorite blue oceans are transfixed on her lips and she watches Clarke's eyelashes flutter once, twice before leaning in for a kiss. 

_That's_ the only way Lexa will ever ask Clarke to kiss her. 

Lexa smiles victoriously against Clarke's lips when she feels a hand sliding into her hair but when Clarke changes her angle, gently sliding the tip of her tongue along Lexa's lower lip Lexa loses all control of the situation.

Gravity is inevitable and time is insignificant. 

Kissing Clarke is one of Lexa's favorite activities. 

Kissing Clarke is what it must feel like to fly, she thinks. Weightless. Exhilarating. Uplifting. 

Kissing Clarke fills her heart with bravery and it dissolves any worries of the mind.

Kissing Clarke is the best kind of addiction. 

"I can't leave you two alone, can I?" Raven interrupts. 

They break the kiss immediately, breathless, disoriented. They're witness to each other's embarrassment, the color red burning on their cheeks, as Raven sighs disapprovingly at them. 

"Shut up, Rae," Clarke bites back, still an embarrassed smile on her lips. 

Raven smirks at them as they rise from the chairs, avoiding her eyes. Clarke clears her throat before finally looking at Raven who barks out a laughter. "Come on," Raven says, "let's get out of here."

*

Clarke follows Raven and Lexa out and as they walk through the entrance hall, someone stops them. 

"Oh, hey, Lexa?" Lexa turns around and comes face to face with the woman she and Anya met about the childrens' program. Her name is Niylah and Lexa smiles as they greet each other with a handshake. 

"I'm so glad I ran into you. How is sign language coming along?" Niylah has one of those smiles that only genuine, caring people wears. It's trustworthy and reliable, it's something Lexa values highly. 

_'Good'_. Lexa signs her response to Niylah who grins back at her.

"Perfect. Listen, I was going to contact you about this. The team likes your ideas about using music as a communication tool... and, well, how do you feel about coming in a couple of hours, once or twice a week, we can brainstorm your ideas and implement them in our proposition for new projects. And you could meet some of the kids, maybe, they could even help you practice your signs?" Niylah looks hopeful. 

Lexa nods as her smile grows bigger because yeah she'd _love_ to. This day keeps getting better and better and she shines brighter than the northern star as she looks at Clarke to share this moment with her. 

"Great, I'll set up a meeting and contact you with the details, alright?" Niylah looks like she just won the lottery and for the first time she looks to Lexa's companions. "Oh, we haven't met before," she says, offering her hand to Raven, "I'm Niylah."

"Raven," Raven nods politely. 

"Nice to meet you, Raven. Clarke, I'll see you around." Niylah nods her goodbye to the three women. 

"Sure do." Clarke nods back and Niylah retreats in the opposite direction, further into the hospital building. 

Clarke wishes she didn't have to go back to work because Lexa radiates and Clarke wants to celebrate this news with her.

Instead she walks them out the swing doors, squeezing Lexa's hand as she walks through them. She hugs both of them goodbye and before she sends both of them on their way home, she pulls Lexa in for a kiss, one of those _I miss you_ kisses, one of those _I love you_ kisses. 

"Congratulations, Lex. You deserve it. I kinda wish I didn't have to go back to work. I'll see you later, okay? And look out for Raven for me."

Lexa throws her a proud smile before walking away, leaving Clarke to sigh into the breeze because she really does miss her. 

Clarke feels silly, standing there watching them walk away like some lovestruck teenager so she wills herself to go back inside and despite really trying, she's not able to shrug the sheepish smile off her face.


	9. Chapter IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As some of you already mentioned, Lexa is beginning to show more confidence. Let's not forget about Clarke, she has a demon or two still haunting her and you'll meet the first one in this chapter. 
> 
> I'm introducing "Mitchell, the driver" and he's got such a small part in this story that I decided to just make him up. 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme 
> 
> Ps. I created a new work for one-shots. If that's your thing look out for They May Be Different Worlds But You And Me We Are Always The Same.

Lexa is invincible. 

It's Wednesday and it's sunny outside and Niylah just sent her an email with the details about their next meeting and Lexa is invincible. 

It's gloriously sunny outside and at the same time freezing cold and Lexa is on her way home from work, a bright smile on her face, not taking any notice at all to the things happening around her because she's invincible. 

There's nothing that can ruin Lexa's mood. 

_Nothing_. 

Well, except one thing. 

As Lexa enters Clarke's apartment she finds everyone in the kitchen. Clarke has the day off and has spent her day baking chocolate muffins and drawing in her sketchbook. During the afternoon everyone had joined her in the kitchen, one by one, Lexa completing the four-clover.

"Mom and dad invited all of us for dinner next Saturday. Said they want to meet Raven and Clarke properly." Anya is the messenger of this _one thing_ that could ruin her day. All the bliss in Lexa's body seeps out instantly, like a burst balloon, shoulders slouching and a frown upon her face. 

Clarke raises an eyebrow at Lexa, perplexed by the instant change in her mood. She watches Lexa shake her head, a no to their parents' request, before taking a seat next to Clarke. Lexa greats Clarke leaning in to place a kiss on her cheek. 

"That's what I said but _these two_ insist we stop acting like children and accept the invitation." Anya points once between Clarke and Raven with her thumb in a manner that's not unlike a moody teenager blaming their parents for everything that's wrong with the world. 

Anya loves her parents, she does, but she prefers to love them silently and from a distance. It's not that they're bad people, not at all, but they meddle too much and Anya is her own boss. Or she was until she met Raven. Raven has a way of convincing Anya to do things she usually wouldn't do and Anya can't for the love of anything good understand how that works. 

Lexa looks at Anya, then at Raven and then back at Anya and she understands what's going on. Anya wants Lexa to back her up, that dinner with the parents is a bad idea. Lexa doesn't mind the dinners, though, in fact, she used to love them. Her issue is with her mom always making comments about her not speaking and then choosing a career path she doesn't consider a career at all. Where Anya is the ever rebel walking around slamming doors behind her, Lexa just avoids the conflict all together, well, tries to.

Truth is, if Clarke wants to go, she'll say yes in a heartbeat. 

"We want to meet the in-laws. Properly." Raven smirks and Clarke joins in on her enthusiasm with a "Yes we do!" and Lexa can tell that they both know it's already a battle won.

Lexa looks defeatedly at Anya whose answer is a terrified "No!" and when Lexa shrugs Anya drops her head on the counter with a thud and a heavy sigh. "I hate you all!" she grumbles and Clarke and Raven high-fives across the kitchen counter. 

Lexa reaches for the tiny yellow notepad that has found its forever home on the counter. 

_'One problem: we need to go by car.'_

"Oh. Yeah, I didn't think of that... Clarke, is that a deal breaker?" Anya forgets she'd rather not go and instead looks at Clarke with careful eyes, full of concern, internally wishing she knew how to help Clarke overcome her fear for riding in cars. 

"How far is it?" Clarke looks pale and Lexa instinctively reaches over to entwine their hands. 

"Too far to walk, it's about an hour by car." For some reason, this dinner invitation is no longer about the dinner. Anya has made it her personal mission to help Clarke through her fear of riding cars. "Listen Clarke, no pressure, but my parents have a private driver, a very experienced driver and one of the most secure vehicles on the market. If you want, I can arrange for you to meet him and we can maybe have him drive all of us around the block here a few times... And if you by any means feel it's too much, we stop immediately, we cancel or invite them here instead." Anya bargains. She knows from dealing with Lexa that it takes small steps, one at a time and also the option of stopping any time. 

Clarke looks like she needs to throw up. 

_'His name is Mitchell and I trust him with my life. I trust him with yours too.'_ Lexa writes. She squeezes Clarke's hand to assure her that this is a hundred percent up to her. 

"I'll do it with you." Raven offers. She doesn't like cars anymore either, but she enters one when she has to. It's like a dentist appointment, it's never fun, but it needs to be done sometimes. 

Clarke bites her lip nervously. "I can stop at any time?" 

"Yes." 

"And they'll understand if we cancel last minute?"

"Yes. Even if they didn't, I don't care. You shouldn't either."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'll try."

"We'll take care of you, Clarke! I'll arrange for Mitchell to swing by tomorrow." Anya smiles softly and Clarke is a bit surprised at how safe she feels under Anya's gaze. Clarke knows, that if anything can help her with her fear of riding in cars, it's this. It's Lexa, Raven and Anya. So yeah, she'll give it a try. 

*

The first time Mitchell swings by, Clarke greets the tall man with grey-stained hair, kind eyes and a polite, firm handshake and Clarke feels a little safer just looking at him. They small talk over coffee and chocolate muffins and Clarke likes him a lot. He's got a gold wedding band on his finger and two teenage daughters who drives him mad like only teenage daughters can do and he plays squash with Lexa and Anya's dad sometimes. His car is a large black bulky box on strong tires and Clarke thinks it looks solid, like it would definitely come out on top if ever it were to crash with another car and it makes her feels just a little bit more safe. 

Clarke doesn't feel entirely safe, though. No one expects her to. 

"Here, take these," Anya says, handing Clarke the car keys. "Mitchell and I are taking a seat in the car and you can join us if you want. We can't go anywhere while you have those, so whatever happens now is up to you." 

Lexa reaches up to massage some calm into Clarke's tensed neck muscles and they stand by the curb for a couple of minutes, Lexa observing Clarke, Clarke staring at the open car door. She can Anya and Mitchell reminisce old times through the door and their gentle voices makes it easier to not view this car as a killing machine. 

Clarke turns the car keys over in her hands a couple of times breathing in two three four out two three four five six. And again. 

She sighs forcefully trying to push some of the anxiety out of her lungs. 

And then she takes one step after another until the next step is her body sliding into the back seat behind Anya who turns around smiling proudly at Clarke as she continues talking to Mitchell. 

Lexa stays put next to the car at Clarke's request. She didn't tell Lexa, but she needed Lexa outside of the car ready to catch her if she were to panic and flee the vehicle. She does panic, but not more so than she carefully slides out of the cat again and hands Lexa the keys before meeting into her embrace. 

Lexa brushes her lips softly against Clarke's forehead, kissing the panic away. 

*

The second time Mitchell drops by Clarke gives Anya the keys. She also closes the car door. They still don't go anywhere and Lexa is still there on the curb ready to catch Clarke when she exits the car. 

*

The third time Mitchell drops by Clarke gives Mitchell the car keys and grabs Lexa's hand before pulling her into the car. 

"Mitchell, could you take us around the block, please?" Clarke says, her mouth dry like a desert and not even a mirage in sight. 

"Sure thing, Miss Griffin."

As the car starts rolling, Clarke squeezes Lexa's hand tight and Lexa squeezes back. Clarke has to close her eyes because images from the car accident floods her mind. The first time the car turns Lexa leans in to leave a kiss on Clarke's shoulder. By the second corner, Clarke's breathing is heavy and unstable and Lexa kisses her cheek. Lexa smiles against her skin as Clarke leans into it. By the third corner Clarke dares to open one eye but closes it immediately as she sees the world slide by in a blur on the other side of the window. Clarke squeezes Lexa's hand tighter and Lexa lifts it to kiss her knuckles, one after another until Clarke loosens her grib just a little. 

"Love you," Lexa murmurs against the back of her hand. 

Anya turns in her seat to look back at Lexa with wide eyes. She's doesn't believe her own ears, that Lexa just spoke, but when Clarke opens her eyes to look at Lexa Anya is sure she heard right. 

Clarke doesn't feel the fourth turn because Lexa just spoke. It isn't long ago she heard Lexa mumble the exact same thing, but Lexa was sick then and most likely not entirely conscious. 

Lexa just spoke.

When the car pulls in next to the curb and Mitchell kills the engine, Anya is still staring at her sister. 

"I love you too, Lex," Clarke whispers into the silence that surrounds them and Lexa grins against Clarke's hand that she's still holding against her lips.

Mitchell is the first to exit the car. He opens the door for Clarke who looks surprised to find out they're back in front of their apartment building. She steps out onto the asphalt with shaky legs and a lighter heart and when she steps around the car, she walks right into the arms of Raven who just happens to have come home at the perfect time. 

"You did it! You fucking did it!" Raven squeals.

Over Raven's shoulder she sees Anya with tears in her eyes pull Lexa into a hug and Clarke thinks this is what home feels like. Being pulled into hugs on the sidewalk after just having faced your demons. Clarke is still disoriented as Raven's arms are being replaced by Lexa's. The lips against the top of her head and the soothing hands that rub circles into her back are slowly but steadily bringing Clarke back to safety. 

*

The fourth time Mitchell swings by, he picks Clarke up by the hospital after work and Lexa waits by her apartment building with more kisses as he delivers her in one one piece. 

*

The fifth time Mitchell swings by it's to pick up all four women to transport them to dinner with Indra and Gustus Woods. 

Clarke is not entirely comfortable, but her breathing is controlled this time around and she's got her favorite people next to her, supporting her. 

*

Their house is not a house. It's a fricking mansion. Mitchell drives through the gate, up the driveway and all the way up to the main entrance where Indra and Gustus Woods are waiting on the front steps to greet them.

The building facade seems to continue up into the skies and it's held up by four large pillars and Clarke stops in her tracks to take it all in, mouth agape and wide awestruck eyes. 

Lexa tugs at Clarke's hand to make her walk again, an amused twinkle in her eyes. 

"You grew up here?" Clarke wonders out loud as she slowly starts moving forward again. 

"Yep," Anya says, not at all impressed by the magic Clarke assigns this place. 

"Welcome, Clarke. Raven." Gustus smiles as he offers them a handshake.

"It's good to see you again. Come inside, we'll show you around." Indra says, a warm smile on her face.

"Mom. Dad." Anya greets them as she walks past them and Lexa greets them with her signature nod.

*

The inside of the house is just as marvelous and although Clarke is blown away by the aesthetics she can easily now tell why Anya and Lexa aren't that close with their parents. Indra and Gustus Woods are perfect hosts and that's just it, that's the problem. They're Indra and Gustus Woods with a massive career and a marvelous home, they're not Indra and Gustus, the mom and the dad.

Clarke's parents are Abby and Jake, the doctor and the engineer. They're career people when they're at work and they're parents when they're at home. They moved up north five years ago to seek out new challenges, but they made sure that Clarke had a stable life before doing so. They call once in a while, but Clarke hasn't seen them since Finn died. It's entirely Clarke's fault. She needed time and so they gave her time. 

Watching the superficial relationship between the sisters and their parents makes Clarke realize that she's been taking her parents for granted and that she misses them. She makes a mental note to call them soon. Sooner rather than later. She should fly up to visit them too, or maybe she'll get comfortable enough riding in cars to take another roadtrip. She'd really like for Lexa to meet them too. 

*

There isn't one bad thing to say about dinner, not even close. It's marvelous, just like anything else in this house. It's delicious and exquisite and Clarke and Raven aren't used to this kind of luxury but they know how to appreciate it, which they do eagerly. 

"... and what about you, Clarke?" Indra encourages her after having questioned Raven about life and work and everything in between. 

"I'm a nurse," Clarke explains and Indra smiles politely, genuinely, as Clarke keeps answering questions about what she does and about her parents. Formalities, is what it is.

"How did you meet?" Gustus wants to know. It's a question meant for both couples.

"I met Raven at that conference I attended last year." Anya shares over the rim of her wine glass. 

"So romantic," Raven deadpans earning a death glare from Anya which makes Clarke and Lexa chuckle. "I wooed her with my dazzling mechanic jokes, she rolled her eyes at me and played hard to get and as I got up to leave she asked me out." Raven winks at Anya who rolls her eyes at her, just like that day. 

"I'm beginning to regret it," Anya mumbles a subtle smirk dancing on her lips. They wouldn't know, but it's the same kind of smirk Gustus wooed Indra with once. The man laughs heartily over his daughter's antics and looks to Lexa and Clarke, "and you?"

Clarke looks at Lexa and then clears her throat not really sure how to explain how they met but before any words could ever be spoken, Lexa stops her with a gentle hand on her wrist. She picks up her notebook to scribble a note. She makes Clarke approve it before letting her parents read it. 

_'I met Clarke officially the day Anya introduced me to Raven. Clarke and Raven are roommates. Unofficially Clarke and I ran into each other a couple of times before that without knowing about Anya and Raven's connection.'_

"It took them long enough," Raven grins.

"Second that," Anya shares a knowing look with Raven. 

"It takes as long as it takes," Clarke blushes, sharing a soft smile with Lexa. 

There's a moment of silence, a rare kind of peace washing over the dinner table, a peace that hasn't been present around this dinner table for a long time. Indra and Gustus don't remember the last time they saw Anya smile inside these walls and for a long time they didn't dare hope that Lexa would get over the loss of Costia. But here they are, everyone under the same roof and it feels like a family. 

Anya is the first to break the silence, "Sis, how about we take this into the next room and you can play for us?" 

"You're playing again, Alexandra?" Gustus looks to his daughter with mild eyes and a warm smile. Lexa nods as she rises from her seat to cross the floor of the spacey dining hall. She stops in front of a pair of doors and takes a long deep breath before opening both doors at the same time. 

There it is. 

Her grand piano. 

Her beautiful glossy black grand piano. This is where she spent most of her childhood and it was the best kind of means to escape reality. When her parents had business associates over for dinner, they would ask her to play for them and she'd spellbind every single one of them with her playing. She didn't care about the attention, but she'd take any opportunity presented to her to play. 

Lexa walks directly towards the piano and takes a seat. She closes her eyes as she breathes in air through her nose and she pretends she's able to smell the music she knows this piano is able to make. Clarke stands in the open doors watching her lift the lid slowly and softly place her fingers on the keys in front of her. 

Clarke knows this piece, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. She knows it because it's her dad's favorite. She can almost see him turn up the volume of the stereo before taking a seat in his armchair, closing his eyes to be able to hear it better. She can almost see her mom come home and scold him with a playful "Jake... The neighbors..." as she turns down the volume before joining him in the armchair. She can almost feel her teenage self roll her eyes at her parents being physically affectionate in front of her. 

Everyone passes her in the doorway to take a seat in the lounging area. Everyone except Gustus. He puts a fatherly hand on her shoulder and says, just above a whisper, "Thank you for bringing the music back to my little girl."

"It's only fair," Clarke tells him. "She brought me back my art too." Clarke's eyes never leave Lexa as Gustus gives her shoulder a little squeeze before joining the others.

In this pocket of time, Clarke is not a body in the physical world. If she wanted to join the others, she wouldn't be able to. She's a thought and a feeling and she's the music Lexa plays. She's utterly, devastatingly and unwaveringly in love with Lexa. 

Lexa is the air she breathes and the muse to her drawings. She's a ray of light on stormy mornings and the very essence of what makes Clarke's heart beat.

Lexa is life. 

Clarke is alive. 

*

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Raven says as Mitchell holds the car door for her to get in. 

Anya hates to admit it, but no, it wasn't bad at all, in fact, it was a really great night. Not once did their parents make a comment about Lexa not speaking and they made Raven and Clarke feel welcome. It was a good night. She wouldn't mind another one of those sometime, actually. 

"There you go, Miss Griffin," Mitchell says as he holds the door for her too. 

"I told you, it's Clarke. Just Clarke, Mitchell." Clarke fakes annoyance and Mitchell flashes her a grin. 

"Sure thing, Miss Griffin."

Maybe it's the magic of this night, or maybe it's the vibrations from Lexa's music still roaming in her veins, or maybe it's the soft hand holding hers as Mitchell starts the car engine. Either way, Clarke forgets her fear of riding in cars. At least for tonight. 

"Yeah, we definitely need room for a grand piano," she sighs as she leans her head on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa beams into the night as she lets a soft kiss linger on golden hair.


	10. Chapter X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is digging into more of Clarke's demons.
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme  
> ps. In case you were curious I'm still madly in love with all of you for still following this story and for all the kudos and comments <3  
> pps. Btw, come to [my Tumblr](https://anonbemetoo.tumblr.com/) and talk to me, ask me things, prompt me or something. Your comments and ideas inspire me and I love talking to you :)

_'Love, I didn't want to wake you, you looked so peaceful. I've got a meeting at the hospital and I'll be back after lunch.'_

Clarke wakes up on her day off frowning at the missing body heat next to her. She reaches for the note she knows will be there for her on Lexa's pillow and then she smiles at the word _love_. She tries to fight it, but the sadness creeps up on her quicker than lightning. Because she misses Lexa. Because she's been missing Lexa a lot lately. 

If you ask Clarke then Lexa has been unreasonably busy lately. She's working with the team behind the children's program to implement her ideas in their upcoming project plans. 

Lexa is a hard working woman. She's selfless and loyal and so she doesn't think twice putting in extra hours to help Niylah with her last minute deadlines. Clarke loves her all the more for it... It's just that... Between Lexa's work at the library, her meetings at the hospital, her sign language classes and Clarke's unstable work schedule, they haven't seen each other much lately, nearly not at all. 

It's just how it is. 

Clarke is proud of Lexa, for how far she's come and for all the things she knows she'll achieve in the future. While she knows this crazy schedule is only temporary, she just can't help the sinking feeling in her gut growing bigger, heavier every day she doesn't see her girlfriend. 

She misses Lexa. 

She misses waking up next to her, their sleepy bacon mornings in the kitchen, cuddling on the couch on movie nights, kissing her goodnight... 

She misses being with Lexa without a time limit. 

Clarke crumbles the note into a ball, one-handed, before placing it on the bedside table. She rubs her eyes with the back of her hands, a frustrated sigh escaping her lips. She blinks a few times before getting up, her body heavy and discouraged. 

She joins Raven in the kitchen. Raven has the day off to go to her check up. She's in a good place these days, the pain is tolerable and she gets enough sleep. She says it's the shrink that makes all the difference and Clarke is proud of her for being honest about it and not running away from it this time. 

"Morning Rae." Clarke yawns as she takes a seat next to Raven. 

"Morning Clarke. What's up?" 

"Not much... What time is your check up?"

"11am. If you still want to come, I'm leaving in an hour."

"Count me in." Clarke thinks that maybe Lexa will be done at the hospital after the check-up so they can walk home together, through the park maybe, even though she knows she won't be. 

Clarke frowns and Raven picks up on it. "Clarke, talk to me."

"Its nothing. It's stupid." Clarke dismisses. 

"If it makes you sad, it's not nothing. Spill." Raven turns in her chair to give Clarke her full attention. 

"I miss her." Clarke feels ashamed to admit it. "... and it's stupid because I know she's just busy... and it's only temporary... but damn it I hate waking up missing her."

"Does she know?"

Clarke shrugs. 

"Clarke. You could tell her, you know, talk to her. Maybe she doesn't realize it makes you sad. I'm pretty sure she loves you too much to be able to hurt you, well, not intentionally, at least." Raven knows reasoning with Clarke isn't easy, but she tries anyway. 

"Maybe..." 

"Do it."

"Maybe..."

"Do it."

"Rae."

"Clarke."

"... maybe." Clarke sighs, both women know that Clarke most likely won't. Not yet, at least. Probably not before it's too much of a mess. 

*

Raven is all sunshine coming out of the doctor's office. Her progress is obvious, keep it up, the doctor had said, and Raven intends to.

Clarke is grinning when she tells her. Clarke sometimes still feels guilty about the outcome of the car accident. She wishes she could sometimes swap her stupid scar for Raven's pain because Raven deserves a break. But today, Clarke just feels proud. Raven's pain is Raven's own demon to fight and she's doing a great job at it. 

"I'm meeting Anya for lunch. You're welcome to join?" Raven offers.

"No that's okay. Lexa said she'd be back after lunch. I think I'll swing by to see how far she is, maybe wait for her 'til she's done." Clarke says, a bit crestfallen. 

"Alright. If she's busy, the offer still stands." Raven hugs Clarke goodbye. Before turning around the corner she yells over her shoulder, "Talk to her!" 

*

Clarke can hear the soft piano before she turns the corner to the Kids Center. Just knowing Lexa is nearby makes her heart flutter with longing. 

The Kids Center has a room they use for events. It's one of those multi functional rooms that works as a playroom as well as a lecture room. The door is partially open and Clarke sneaks a peek before entering. She observes Lexa play the piano for a while and she wants to go inside but she's stuck in the doorway, paralyzed by the magic. 

As Lexa ends the song, Clarke gets ready to step into the room but she stops in her track because someone is there with her.

"That was beautiful!" Niylah says as she walks towards Lexa. "I can't believe you wrote that. I can't believe you're not famous!" she exclaims.

Lexa responds with the sign for _'thank you'_ and something else that Clarke doesn't understand. 

Clarke's heart falters. 

Clarke is at home waiting for Lexa, missing Lexa, while Lexa is busy playing the piano for Niylah, apparently. Clarke's heart is breaking and she doesn't know why. All she knows is that she needs to not be here right now. She needs to get away.

So she leaves. 

She doesn't hear Niylah responding with a "Yeah, she's gonna love it" and she doesn't see Lexa beam with pride and she doesn't see that half smile Lexa only wears thinking of Clarke. 

*

Lexa:  
_Love, I'm at your place but you're not here. Are you okay?_

Clarke ignores the text and wipes the tears from her cheeks. Emotionally, she's in a dark place. Physically she's on the roof of one of the hospital buildings. It's a place she only ever goes to when she's distressed. One end of the park is visible from here and this particular sunset from this particular spot is something Clarke has never been able to draw well enough, that's how magnificent it is. It's that one place that always makes the darkness in her mind a little less dark. 

She's hasn't been to either places in a long time, she hasn't been since she met Lexa. 

*

Raven:  
_Lexa says she hasn't heard from you all day. Where are you?_

There are four unread messages from Lexa. Clarke is not ready to read them, because Lexa makes her feel things and she can't handle that right now. 

She doesn't answer Raven either. 

She doesn't know for how long she sits there, but it's getting dark.

She misses Lexa but she doesn't want to see her right now. She does but she doesn't. 

It's getting darker. 

There's a reasonable explanation to everything and any misunderstanding is easily talked through, except Clarke doesn't see any of that right now. 

Only darkness. 

*

"There you are." Raven sighs as she takes a seat next to Clarke. It's not really a seat, just a tiny brick wall low enough to be able to pull oneself onto it. 

"How did you find me." Clarke knows how, but she doesn't know what else to say. 

"You always go here to escape the world. Figured if you didn't want to talk to Lexa, of all people, then I'd find you here."

Clarke doesn't say anything. She knew the answer. 

"What happened?" Raven tries.

Clarke shakes her head. 

"Clarke."

Clarke doesn't respond. 

"Okay." 

They sit in silence, Raven contemplating her next move while Clarke breathes in two three four out two three four five six, again, until the cold October air burns in her lungs. 

"I went to see her." Clarke's voice is shaky as she tries to explain to Raven what happened. "I went and stood in the doorway and I heard her play the piano and it was so beautiful... and... Niylah was there and they were friendly and talking... and... something snapped inside me, Rae, I don't even know what... I jus,... I went here to figure things out..."

"Wait... You didn't talk to her?" Raven is confused. 

"No... I left."

"Why? Because Niylah was there? You're jealous?"

Clarke presses her eyes shut in a desperate attempt of muting Raven out. 

"Clarke, I know you're hurt right now, but you're being an idiot." Raven knows Clarke doesn't want to hear this, but she needs to. "And don't you go silent on me too. Clarke,... damn it... She's a mess, okay? She's at our place and she's a mess because she thinks something terrible has happened to you."

That's what snaps Clarke out of it and she looks at Raven for the first time since she joined her on the roof. 

"What?"

"She's a mess, Clarke. And she deserves better than this. If you're mad at her for something, talk to her."

It feels like her heart is dropped on the floor, shattering into a million pieces like fragile glass against solid concrete. A million pieces _more_. 

"Uh..." Clarke starts to panic. This was only meant to be Clarke taking a break and get her feelings under control before returning. She didn't think it would affect Lexa, well, not like this. 

It gets harder to breathe, the tissue in her lungs fighting the anxiety. 

"Clarke, hey, stay with me, breathe." Raven says, getting off the brick wall to stand in front of Clarke, to put one hand on Clarke's shoulder rubbing soothing circles into her neck, the other hand on Clarke's chest, over her heart. 

Clarke nods, breathing in to three four out to three four five six. Again. And again. 

Slowly, she returns and Raven catches her in a hug.

"I'm sorry, Rae." She cries.

"Don't apologize. Just... go and talk to her, okay? You both need it." 

"Okay."

"Okay." Raven says, squeezing Clarke a little tighter. "And I'm doing you a favor. I'm taking Anya out and we won't be home until late, so you won't be interrupted, okay?" 

"Okay."

*

Clarke finds Lexa in her kitchen, devastatingly hunched over her sketchbook, as if maybe her drawings could bring Clarke closer. 

"I'm sorry." Clarke chokes. Lexa looks at her with red swollen eyes and Clarke's heart breaks a little more. 

"I'm sorry. I needed to think and I lost track of time and... I didn't mean to make you worried." Tears trail down her cheeks as she slowly moves towards Lexa. 

Lexa cries too and Clarke reaches out to cup her cheeks and brush away the tears. 

"I missed you so bad." Clarke inhales sharply. "These past couple of weeks... I-" 

Lexa interrupts her by pulling her into a hug, to comfort her and to feel Clarke's body against hers. Alive. 

"I went to see you." Clarke whispers as if she's afraid to break Lexa. "I stood in the doorway and watched you play... and when I saw Niylah was there I broke. There's a spot on the hospital roof I go to when I need to time think. I needed to understand what was happening inside me before I came home."

Lexa grabs her notepad, still holding on to Clarke. She writes as best she can with her non-dominant hand and kisses Clarke on the forehead when she's done. 

_'Niylah is only a friend.'_

"I know, Lex. I don't ever doubt your love." Clarke runs a hand through Lexa's hair and smiles sadly at her. "Raven found me tonight and told me I was being an idiot and she's right. I'm a coward. I've been mad at you for spending too little time with me and I didn't talk to you about it and then I go and disappear on you like this. You deserve better."

Lexa needs her dominant hand to write, so she releases her hold around Clarke's waist. 

_'I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'll make sure to cut down the workload and talk to you about it before upping it. And then you must promise me to come talk to me if I make you sad again and let me know if you need alone time, just so I know that you're okay. Would that work?'_

Clarke reads the note and nods to let Lexa know that she agrees. She feels ashamed that she's been walking around for more than a week _not_ talking to Lexa about it and then Lexa ends up being the most understanding person in the world. 

"I don't deserve you, Lex," she whispers, but Lexa ignores it with a soft kiss to her lips. 

"Love you," Lexa murmurs and Clarke melts against her lips. 

"It's not fair to use that trick on me all the time, Lex, you know what it does to me," Clarke smiles against Lexa's kisses. 

Lexa shrugs nonchalantly and Clarke breaks the kiss to give her the raised eyebrow challenging her. "What else do you have?

Lexa grins through the shed tears as she writes another few words on the notepad.

_'I can only say two things.'_

"Oh, well, what's the other?" Clarke lowers her eyes to watch Lexa's lips. She runs her thumb along Lexa's bottom lip as if it would draw out more words. 

"Clarke." Lexa says, eyes never leaving Clarke's and she feels like coming home the second Clarke meets her eyes, anchoring Lexa in her favorite blue oceans. 

"I love your voice." Clarke smiles."I love the way you say my name. I love you, Lex," she sighs, the last of heavy toxic air slipping away. "I'm sorry about tonight. I promise I'll work on talking to you before things get out of hand. Okay?" 

Lexa nods and steals another kiss from Clarke.

She steals one of those kisses that ends up nipping at lips and licking on earlobes. 

She steals one of those kisses that entangles fingers in hair, tugging desperately. 

She steals one of those kisses that pins Clarke against the kitchen wall, legs wrapped around Lexa's waist.

She steals one of those kisses that leaves a trail of clothes from the kitchen to Clarke's room.

She steals one of those kisses that takes her breath away as Clarke pins her arms against sheets and pillows. 

She steals one of those kisses that leaves scratch marks on backs and sore muscles the next day. 

She steals one of those kisses that makes Clarke come undone. 

She steals one of those kisses that holds promises of forever. 

She steals one of those kisses that leaves her utterly exhausted and peacefully asleep.


	11. Chapter XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for all the kudos and nice comments and also those of you who read my one-shots <3
> 
> I'm nervous about introducing this chapter to you... I spent a week debating whether or not to pull the story in this direction (you'll see)... but uh, read it and let me know what you think and we can discuss my choices later :) 
> 
> Enjoy  
> ~anonbeme

Lexa wakes up to the sound of rain drumming insistently against Clarke's bedroom window. The street lamp casting shadows on the wall tells her it's yet too early to wake up. She yawns rubbing her eyes with her free hand as the other is entangled in Clarke's golden hair, not even the artificial light from the street lamp could make Clarke's hair glow any less. 

With every breath that fills her lungs, her chest rises slowly and lifts Clarke's head effortlessly. The sheets are barely covering their entangled legs and Lexa smiles as she follows the curve of Clarke's spine to the dimples on her lower back. Even in the dim light she can see the red scratch marks on Clarke's back and for a brief moment she allows herself to feel guilty for hurting her, even though Clarke wanted it, said she needed to feel a good kind of pain. Lexa had hesitated, but when Clarke did it to her too it wasn't brutal at all, just so very intense and so very intimate, and she finally understood what Clarke had meant. It hurt like hell, she can even feel them burn on her back right now, but it's the good kind. It's the kind that serves as a reminder of being alive and that they're both in this together, the good and the bad. The pain especially. 

Lexa makes a mental note to remember to tell Clarke that she'd missed her too these past couple of weeks. That as much as she loves being a part of Niylah's program, she loves Clarke infinitely more. That missing Clarke the past couple of weeks has been an epiphany. That she doesn't ever want to wake up in a bed without Clarke again. 

She didn't get a chance to tell her all of that yesterday, well, not with words at least. 

She will soon though. 

And she'll play Clarke's song for her too. Clarke doesn't know, but that was what she walked in on yesterday. Lexa had played the piece for Niylah to practice playing it for an audience. Playing it for Clarke is the most nerve-racking thing Lexa has ever had to prepare for. Writing Clarke a piece hasn't been easy either. Every single note and harmony and beat and pause has to be perfect and _just right_ because Clarke deserves nothing less. 

Lexa closes her eyes and let's the memory of Clarke's song wash over her. It's inevitable when she drifts off to sleep again, her hand still entangled in Clarke's hair. 

*

Clarke wakes up to the sound of rain drumming insistently against her bedroom window. The dull grey morning light tells her it won't be long until Raven starts cooking eggs and bacon for everyone. She tries her best not to move from her position on top of Lexa. She likes Lexa's arms possessively encircling her and she lies there listening to the steady heartbeat in Lexa's chest, it's by far her favorite soundtrack.

Clarke yawns and moves a hand to wipe off the drool in the corner of her mouth. As she does so, she can feel the burning pull of the skin on her back and she becomes painfully aware of the scratch marks she asked Lexa to give her. 

It has to hurt to get better. 

Clarke never believed in that until yesterday. 

Clarke makes a mental note to remember to tell Lexa that the music she heard was breathtakingly beautiful, that it made her see colors even with her eyes open. That she's happy she found a friend in Niylah and that she's so damn proud of her for wanting to help the kids. That she's awestruck because she's managed to turn her weakness into a strength and those are all kinds of admirable in Clarke's book. She needs to tell Lexa that missing her these past couple of weeks has been an epiphany. That she doesn't ever want to wake up in a bed without Lexa again. 

She wasn't able to voice that yesterday. 

She will soon though. 

Clarke snuggles in closer, her nose buried in Lexa's neck. Lexa's morning smell is intoxicating, it always is, it's being safe at home and out exploring dangerous new things all at once. It's Lexa. 

Waking up in Lexa's arms always have two outcomes, it's like a law of nature. One is snuggling up close and going back to sleep, the other is Clarke automatically pressing her lips against the soft skin of Lexa's neck because she's too awake to go back to sleep. 

This morning, the second one applies. Clarke hums against Lexa's neck and Lexa still asleep pulls Clarke even closer. It is to any extend an inevitable result of the gravitational pull between them and Clarke doesn't want it any other way. 

Clarke lies there with a content smile on her lips when Lexa starts stirring underneath her. Lexa yawns and Clarke kisses her jawline which morphs Lexa's yawn into a content smile as well. 

Clarke repositions herself to be able to look into Lexa's eyes. "Mornin'," she croaks, "You okay?" 

Lexa nods. 

"I'm sorry about the scratch-"

Lexa interrupts her with a kiss and then she shakes her head, and Clarke has come to learn that _this_ shake means _'stop apologizing'_. 

Clarke nods her head insistently as to argue the exact opposite and Lexa silences her with another kiss. 

"Say it," Clarke murmurs against her lips, her eyes tethered to Lexa's soft gaze. 

"Clarke," Lexa rasps with that half smile dancing on her lips making Clarke's heart beat faster.

"Damn you," Clarke sighs weakly before pressing her lips against Lexa's again. 

*

Lexa is the first to join Anya and Raven in the kitchen, her sore muscles dictating her to sit down on the chair very slowly. 

Anya raises a curious eyebrow at her but the exhausted look in her sister's eyes makes her back off. She needs a break after yesterday's emotional roller-coaster ride, she thinks. 

Lexa grabs a strip of bacon and takes a bite. Clarke then joins them too and walks up behind Lexa to hug her from behind. 

Lexa stiffens in Clarke's embrace, the close encounter makes the scratches on her back hurt. 

"Oh, shit, sorry Lex. I forgot." Clarke kisses her shoulder and takes a seat next to her. Lexa offers her the other half of the bacon in her hand and Clarke accepts it gratefully. 

"What happened?" Raven asks innocently.

"Oh, uh, nothing." Clarke responds, avoiding anyone's eyes, not even realizing the question was for Lexa. 

Lexa blushes as Raven winks at her and Anya cups her ears saying, "No, please, shush, I don't want to know..." 

"If you need any of the clothes we found in the hallway last night, it's in the dirty clothes bin," Raven says matter-of-factly, smirking into the awkward silence as Clarke busies herself stealing another strip of bacon. 

"So, changing the subject... Clarke, how do you feel about taking a short roadtrip today?" Anya asks, sipping her coffee. 

"By car?"

"Yes. I've got something I want to show everyone and it's in walking distance, but not in this weather... If you're okay with that, I'm calling Mitchell."

"Uh, okay. Sure."

"Yeah?"

"Yep. I trust Mitchell to keep me safe." Clarke nods. 

"Perfect." Anya grins and Lexa knows this grin. It's the one Anya wears when she's up to something, so Lexa narrows her eyes at her, calculating what she's on about. "Nope, sis. I'm not telling. You'll find out soon enough," Anya winks. 

*

Mitchell pulls over by the curb in front of a house neither of the women knows, except for Anya. It's dark grey with white doors and windows. It's a one level house but it looks big enough for a family from this angle. 

Anya watches the confusion on everyone's face and it makes her smile. "Come on, let's go inside," she says, stepping out of the car. She holds an umbrella out for Raven making sure she's okay as she tugs her by the arm towards the house. Clarke and Lexa follows right behind them, their faces hidden under the hood of their raincoats. 

"Babe, what is this?" Raven asks even though she kind of knows. She and Anya have been talking about the possibility of moving in together and the main reason they haven't done so yet is because of Clarke and Lexa. They don't want to leave either of them alone without a roommate and they don't want to push them into moving in together because of it.

Anya has been secretly looking for houses that are big enough for all of them. With at least three bedrooms, and a bigger kitchen, a living room big enough for an extra couch, room for Lexa's piano, big windows for Clarke and a minimum of stairs for Raven. 

You'd think the idea of moving in with your girlfriend and then having to roommate with your sister AND her girlfriend would scare anyone off, but truth is, Anya likes having everyone close. That's the thing she wrote down on the list for herself, well, that and a spare bathroom. 

Anya likes to think that it's a probable solution right here right now, a temporary solution until the time is right for everyone to do their own thing. 

"It's a house, Rae." Anya deadpans. 

"Oh shut up, smartass, you know what I mean." Raven scolds playfully.

Anya pulls out a key from her pocket and unlocks the front door. She takes a deep breath before opening the door to reveal a wide hallway of mahogany wooden floors and white walls. "Okay, first things first, take off shoes and coats and then I'll tell you why we're all here."

So they do, confusion still stuck to their faces. 

"Sis, did you know mom and dad own this house?" 

Lexa shakes her head, a small frown pulling her eyebrows together. 

"Neither did I until a few days ago. In fact, they own seven houses in this town, but that's not the point. I'll give you the tour and then we'll talk." Anya says turning around to walk down the hall. 

"First door on the right, bedroom number one." Anya says, opening the door. "Go on, have a look." 

Lexa walks in first, the others hanging in the doorway. It's simple and comfortable and it holds a king size bed and there's a built-in closet on the left wall. 

Anya crosses the hall and opens another door. "First door on the left, bedroom number two." Raven enters this one. It's the same as the other one, only the layout is mirrored.

Anya continues the tour down the hall. "Second door on the right, big ass bathroom. Second door on the left, bedroom number three, only smaller. Third door on the left, tiny bathroom."

She watches everyone take in their surroundings, everyone too surprised to speak. 

"...which means we have reached the most interesting part of this house." She walks backwards into the brightly lit room and throws a hand out to present it to the others. "Everything in this house leads to this."

The kitchen and the living room is one big integrated solution. The kitchen is on the right side. The kitchen area is separated from the living room area only by a high table with counter chairs big enough for eight people to dine. The left side of the room is occupied by a large TV screen on the wall and a seating area includling a big fluffy L-shaped couch. The left side area extends into an edged half circle of floor to ceiling windows creating a secluded area attached to the living room. Lexa walks past the couches and towards the extended area that undoubtedly has her name on it, figure of speach. Anya grins as she watches Lexa take a seat by the grand piano, well, the small grand piano, the body is half the size of a normal grand piano.

"It's not big enough for a full grand piano, sis, but I figured this model would do?"

Lexa runs her index finger along the keys feeling the smooth surface of ivory beneath her fingertips, not pressing any of them down, clearly lost in her own world. 

"There's a terrace and a tiny garden space outside too, but I'm not going out there in this weather. Take a seat." Anya gestures to the kitchen table. 

As everyone is settled around the table, Anya looks at everyone one at a time before talking. 

"Rae and I have been talking about moving in together. The main reason that hasn't happened yet is because both of us want to make sure that both of you are okay."

"You shouldn't worry about us," Clarke interrupts. "I mean, yeah we'll miss our roommates but if you want to do this, we're happy for you and we'll figure something out." She looks at Lexa who nods her agreement. 

"That may be, but neither of us is comfortable doing that just yet." Anya assures them. "I went and talked to mom and dad last week, and this is news to Rae too, but I talked to mom and dad about them helping to secure both apartments financially as long as you both need it. That way you wouldn't be forced to rush any decision until you're ready. But it kind of backfired because dad went to his office and came back with a binder that holds information on all their house properties. He told me to have a look, maybe there'd be one with room for all of us and then the financials won't be an issue."

"You mean... This house..." Raven stutters, not quite sure what she's trying to say. 

"Yes. It's big enough, there's even an extra room if any of us wants to be alone for a while. The rent is cheaper than both our apartments together. It's closer to the hospital, Clarke. I might have to get a car to go to work, but that's easily fixed. No stairs, Rae. Piano, Sis. Big windows, Clarke. An extra bathroom for me. And, if things by any chance doesn't work out, it's mom and dad's house... I mean, it'll be easier to solve any issues then."

"Uh, okay..." Clarke doesn't even know what to say.

"I know this is a lot to take in. Just think about it. We've basically been living together for the past couple of months... more or less... Just on a smaller space. Just, think about it, okay? I'm just letting you know that we have other options."

Lexa looks at the piano. It's not so much that she wants the piano, it's that she wants the piano and Clarke under the same roof. She wants to wake up next to Clarke every day and she wants to be able to play a piece before going to bed to kiss Clarke goodnight. She wants to never have to go home to a place that doesn't have Clarke in it. 

But maybe it's too soon to admit it. 

Clarke looks at Lexa. It's not so much that she wants Lexa to have this, it's that she wants it too. She wants to wake up entangled in Lexa every morning or to Lexa's tiny love letters on the pillow. She wants to find her glued to her piano with a dreamy smile on her face. She wants to lie on that couch listening to Lexa play the piano while sketching her favorite muse. She wants Raven's dinner parties at this very table. She wants to not hold Raven back and if that means Raven moves out of the apartment and in with Anya, then so be it. Mostly, she really likes the idea of all of them moving into this house. They're all a part of her family. Even Anya. They're her home and this house is actually kind of perfect.

But maybe it's too soon to admit it. 

Raven is undeniably in love with Anya who once again has managed to sweep her off her feet. She likes this idea. She won't deny it. She loves the idea of moving in with Anya, moving into a bigger place where also Clarke and Lexa can live. She didn't think she would but she absolutely loves the idea. Raven doesn't have a family. She has Clarke. She has Anya. She has Lexa. She has Clarke's parents too, but it's not the same as having your own. She can tell that both Lexa and Clarke wants this too. She can tell they're not ready to say it yet, that they need to have the talk first, the same talk she and Anya had a couple of months ago, the talk that settles whatever concerns they might have for the future. It's an important talk to have and it'll happen in due time. 

But maybe it's too soon for them. 

"Let's go back home." Anya says rising from her seat and no one takes notice of how comfortable they are with that idea.

Going home. 

The same home.


	12. Chapter XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got lots of these for all of you <3 <3 <3  
> ... for the supportive comments and for understanding why I use Ranya the way I do. 
> 
> I name my chapters but you don't get the titles (because I don't want people to read the chapter index and think "yeah I don't need to read this story... the titles gives it all away"). Nevertheless, I called this chapter "Rebuilding Us" and that's all I'm going to give you on this chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

Clarke is asleep. 

It's Sunday morning and Lexa's alarm clock just woke her up and Clarke is still asleep. Lexa doesn't know how she does it, it's like Clarke's inner watch knows she has the day off so she doesn't actually _hear_ Lexa's alarm. It comes in quite handy, for Clarke at least. 

Clarke is asleep and Lexa sits on the edge of the bed watching her with sad eyes. The guilt is eating her up and she tries to distract herself by running her fingers softly through golden locks. 

She glances at the notepad on the bedside table. She doesn't have it in her to leave Clarke another _'I'll be back later'_ note. Not already. Probably never. 

'We need some you and me time,' Clarke had said last night and Lexa had agreed.

She promised Clarke to cut down work hours. More importantly, she promised _herself_ to cut down work hours and she's going to, but she can't cancel the meeting she has with Niylah today. It's a short meeting, but it's important because Niylah has a deadline tomorrow and she depends on this meeting with Lexa to make it. 

She watches the seconds tick by on the alarm clock next to the notepad. It's a digital alarm clock and there's no actual ticking sound but each and every one of those seconds feels like someone screaming at her. She knows it's the guilt. The bad taste in her mouth. That Clarke deserves better. That nothing matters if Clarke is not happy. 

Clarke is still asleep. 

Lexa looks to the ceiling and sighs. There's one thing she could do... If only Clarke wouldn't mind... 

Lexa looks at Clarke's sleeping form. She watches her own fingers as she runs them through Clarke's hair again. 

"Clarke." Lexa whispers, she's still not comfortable hearing her own voice. Clarke doesn't respond so Lexa starts massaging her neck carefully.

"Clarke, love." Lexa says, her voice ringing clear in her own ears and it's terrifying, but only for a moment until Clarke starts smiling. 

Clarke is awake, but she's not ready yet to open her eyes. She's smiling into the pillow because Lexa said her name. She's smiling because Lexa woke her up saying her name out loud and it's so much better than any alarm clock.

Lexa knows what her voice does to Clarke. She wishes she were able to have a full conversation with her. Or maybe just some simple sentences. Just once in a while. But it won't happen today, so she leans in to kiss Clarke on her temple before reluctantly picking up the notepad. 

Clarke hears the familiar sound of a pen against paper and so she finally opens her eyes. She immediately notices that something is weighing Lexa down, so she pulls herself up to a sitting position, her chin leaning on Lexa's shoulder. Clarke snakes an arm around Lexa's waist protectively and she stays there until Lexa holds up the notepad for Clarke to read. 

_'Come tomorrow I'll be working less. But I've got a meeting with Niylah I can't get out of today. I hate to leave you... Come with me? It's only half an hour and we could maybe have lunch after? Just the two of us.'_

Clarke presses her lips against Lexa's shoulder and inhales slowly through her nose. "Okay," she whispers and Lexa can feel Clarke's warm breath on her skin and it burns like the guilt in her gut. 

_'I'll fix this, Clarke.'_ She writes, not only for Clarke but for herself too. 

" _We'll_ fix this," Clarke says. "I'll do my part too, I promise. I'm not sad or angry, Lex. I just miss you. I'm looking forward to our lunch date, though. We haven't done that in a while." 

A careful smile breaks free from Clarke's lips and that's when Lexa knows that they're going to be okay. When Clarke is happy, she is happy and Clarke is smiling right now, it's a good start.

*

Lexa brings Clarke to the Kids Center. It's Sunday so the center is empty except for them and Niylah once she'll arrive. 

Lexa brings Clarke to the event room that houses the old worn down upright piano Lexa played the other day. Clarke takes a seat on the piano bench and softly presses one white key after another creating a string of notes going upwards like stairs. 

"Teach me something?" Clarke asks and Lexa grins because yeah, she can do that. 

Lexa takes a seat on Clarke's left. She then reaches across Clarke's space to play a simple melody of four notes. Clarke doesn't know it but this snippet of melody is part of the song Lexa wrote for her, Clarke's ear isn't trained enough to recognize it as something she's heard before. Lexa plays it a couple of times so Clarke learns the rhythm too. She takes Clarke's hand and places it on the keys instead of her own instructing her to play that snippet of melody over and over again. Once Clarke looks comfortable with it Lexa proceeds to play her own musical loop under Clarke's. 

Lexa makes circles in the space between them with her hand gesturing for Clarke to keep her loop going and then Lexa's loop starts evolving. It breaks into harmonies and Lexa's one hand becomes Lexa's two hands and her loop encases Clarke's loop as she stretches her arm to reach the high notes on the other side of Clarke's hand. 

Clarke suddenly finds herself a bit distracted. Lexa is in her space and out of the corner of her eye she can see Lexa grinning like a child, like she's having so much fun she can barely keep it inside. Lexa's perfume is distracting too, its mild summerly citrus caressing Clarke's sense of smell. 

"Clarke," Lexa grins even more. 

"Uh..." Clarke forgot things. Time, place, moving her fingers, the keys she's supposed to be pressing down. She forgot it all because it's the first time she's seen Lexa let loose like this and it's beautiful. 

And Clarke has a thing for beautiful things. 

"Play." Lexa whispers, because it's scary to speak up, it's terrifying to move out of the comfort zone, but the piano is grounding her so she doesn't panic. 

"Lex..." Clarke is gaping at her, forgetting even more things, like why she's there in the first place. 

Lexa looks at her and the intensity in Clarke's eyes disrupts her playing. With both hands lying still on top of the keys she leans in to steal a kiss from Clarke's lips, a kiss that is interrupted by someone clearing their throat. 

They both turn on the piano bench to find Niylah raising an eyebrow at them. 

"Niylah, hey, sorry... I was keeping Lexa company until you got here." Clarke says, anchoring herself in Lexa's eyes as she tries to control the blushing of her cheeks. 

"I can tell," Niylah smirks lightly. 

Lexa greets Niylah with the sign for 'hello' as she gets up. Niylah walks the rest of the distance, greeting Lexa with a hug. 

"Good to see you, Lexa. I'm sorry I had to drag you in here on a Sunday. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't important." Niylah says exhaustedly and then looking at Clarke, "Clarke, it'll take thirty minutes tops, you're welcome to stay if you want."

"No, no no no, no business talk for me on this holy Sunday, Niylah, you know me better than that." Clarke winks playfully at her. "And Lex, you go kick some boring business on a Sunday ass, you." Clarke teases. "Text me when you're done, okay?" she says, before kissing her goodbye, receiving her favorite half smile in return. 

*

Niylah drops her pen on the table and leans back in her chair with a satisfied smile on her face. "Finally. Done!" she exclaims and Lexa smiles with her. 

_'What happens now?'_ Lexa holds her notepad up. 

"Well, I turn in our proposition to the board tomorrow and then we wait." Niylah runs a hand through her blonde hair shaking it loose from her shoulders. "If things go well, they approve all of it. Cross your fingers. The Kids Center will be able to help the kids so much better with these new projects. The mentor project is a brilliant idea, Lexa, I don't see how they won't approve of it, but let's not jinx it." 

Lexa holds up both hands, fingers crossed. 

"That's the spirit," Niylah laughs and they take a moment to enjoy the silence after having just finished their task. 

"Lexa, we're friends, right?" Niylah asks cautiously. 

Lexa nods, concern creasing her eyebrows. 

"Okay, so tell me to butt out if I overstep any boundaries." Niylah pauses and drums her fingers nervously on the table. "I heard you speak to Clarke, before, by the piano? Is it... How does that work?"

Lexa bites her lip as she reaches for her notepad. Niylah knows about Costia and that Lexa hasn't spoken since, but she doesn't know much else. It's not something Lexa usually talks about. But she wants to talk to Niylah about it because she's her friend, a good friend actually. 

_'Clarke says I sometimes talk in my sleep. Other than that, I haven't spoken a word since Costia died until about a month ago. It's not all the time and it's only a few words and only to Clarke. Don't ask me how that works, I don't know.'_

Niylah nods as she reads Lexa's words. "So... If you were to try and talk to me right now, what happens?" 

Lexa moves her lips but the only thing that happens is her eyebrows scrunching together. She reaches for the notepad again and Niylah observes every tiny detail of Lexa's expressions as she writes her next note. It's like watching someone fight an army alone. 

_'Panic attack'_

"And with Clarke?"

Lexa's eyes soften just by the mentioning of Clarke's name and it warms Niylah's heart. 

_'Clarke is the only thing that keeps the anxiety away. Clarke and the piano.'_

"Okay. Good. Hold on to that. It takes a lot of time breaking old habits and you gotta do it one tiny step at a time, you know? I mean, if you want to, that is."

Lexa nods and smiles gratefully. What Niylah says isn't news to her, but she appreciates that she cares about Lexa enough to want to help. 

"So, I should get going." Niylah says, getting up. "Say hi to Clarke for me?" 

Lexa nods and watches Niylah pack her things and leave. She pulls out her phone to text Clarke. 

Lexa:  
_I'm all yours now. Where do I meet you?_

Clarke:  
_Outside swing doors in 10 minutes?_

Lexa:  
_Perfect._

*

Lexa brings Clarke to lunch at that backyard restaurant from their first date, the one with the smooth jazz and the open sky above. On days like today, on cold October days, the backyard is equipped with canopies and heaters and blankets for those who are always cold. Lexa is not one of them, but Clarke is. Wrapped in a blanket and in Lexa's company, there's not much else she needs, though, it's kind of magical, Clarke thinks. 

"How are their pizzas? I could totally eat a pizza right now..." Clarke wonders out loud. 

Lexa holds up her notepad. 

_'Better than Raven's fancy pizza.'_

"That's a bold statement, Lex, but I guess that settles it." Clarke grins. 

Lexa orders a caesar's salad and they eat in one of those comfortable silences that most people envy. Any conversation between them while eating consists of Clarke stealing something from Lexa's plate and Lexa smiling at her because Clarke is adorable and she'll give her anything she wants. 

At some point, though, Clarke drifts off into thought and Lexa has to prod her with a foot to get her attention. Clarke finds Lexa's questioning eyes and Clarke takes a deep breath. 

"Well, I was thinking about how nice it is to lunch with you and that it makes everything even more nice when we get to go home together afterwards instead of going separate ways. And then... well, Anya's house idea is messing with my head because it got me thinking that _I'm_ taking _you_ home most of the time. And it feels home to me but I'm not sure how you feel about always staying at my place and not yours. Do you miss it, your home?" Clarke speeds up her words at the end because she's a bit nervous talking about this. 

Lexa shakes her head without having to even think about it. Truth is, she hasn't had a home since Costia died, not until now. So the next note she writes comes easy to her. 

_'You ARE my home, love'_

Clarke smiles at the sentiment that warms her heart and she chuckles at the little drawing next to it. It's a simple house in uneven lines with a door and a window and its encapsulated by a heart. Lexa's drawings still look like a child did it, but it makes Clarke love them even more. 

"That's going up on the fridge, Lex."

Lexa carefully pulls the page from the notepad and gives it to Clarke. She then writes a new note. 

_'Have you thought about it?'_

"What... The house?"

Lexa nods.

"Well, yeah. She's right, it fits us perfectly and I _really_ like the idea of always waking up next to you. I didn't think I would, but I also really like the idea of having Raven and Anya close too. It could work, I guess, but I'm scared, because you and me, we're still new, what if it's too early, you know?"

Clarke watches Lexa as she scribbles a new note. Her heart is beating nervously because this is important, this thing they are talking about. They met eight months ago and only just crossed the lovers' line five months ago. It's too soon, isn't it? Except, Clarke's heart keeps telling her that she doesn't want to be with anyone else. She wants Lexa for as long as Lexa wants her. Maybe it's just how it works for them. Maybe because they moved slow in the beginning they don't have to take things slow anymore.

_'I agree. I want it too but I'm scared it's too soon. I even want to live with the two idiots... They're both family.'_

"And the piano." Clarke bids in and Lexa grins sheepishly because yes, Clarke, family AND a piano under the same roof is more than perfect. 

"So... Does that mean we're serious about us? I mean, you and me and the long run? I mean, I am... are you?" 

_'YES'_ Lexa writes as fast as she can. 

"Does it mean we're moving in with them?"

 _'Is it entirely up to me or do you want to hear what I think before making a decision?'_ Lexa wants to know. 

Clarke laughs lightly, "I'm not sure... Maybe we should sleep on it?"

And Lexa nods because that sounds reasonable, more reasonable than her heart beating to the rhythm of _move in, move in, move in_. 

*

Lexa knows her answer on Monday night. Clarke has a night shift and when Clarke has night shifts Lexa usually sleeps in her own apartment. 

Anya is at Raven's. She's always at Raven's. 

Not even playing the piano can break the silence of Clarke's absence. 

The sheets smell of nothing like Clarke, in fact, they don't even smell of _herself_ , the mattress feels all wrong, the temperature of the room too. 

It's not right. 

So she tosses and turns and stares at the ceiling and that feels wrong too. 

She gives up on the bed and tries the couch instead. That feels wrong too. When she gives up on sleep entirely, she picks up one of her old notebooks and starts writing, just like she used to do before Clarke. 

But even _that_ feels wrong too and that's when she knows.

Clarke is the only home she needs and if losing Costia taught her one thing it is that time is not to be wasted. 

Not even tonight. 

*

It's just past 5am when Clarke drags her exhausted body home. 

Home. 

It sounds hollow knowing that Lexa won't be there. This night shift has been particularly rough, they lost a kid who'd been in a car accident, and all Clarke really needs right now is a shoulder to cry on and Lexa's warm hugs.

Clarke considers going to Lexa's place, but she doesn't want to wake her up just because she misses her at 5am. 

_'Don't be ridiculous, Clarke. You'll see her this afternoon'_

At least her sheets will smell like Lexa. 

*

When Clarke opens the door to her bedroom she's met by a sleeping form in her bed. 

Lexa. 

It's only then she realizes that maybe she _did_ notice her shoes by the door and her coat on the coat rack. Maybe Lexa's things have become so much of a constant in her life that she doesn't think about it anymore. 

It's only then her tense shoulders drop, finally letting go of the stress of this night shift. 

It's only then she feels okay. 

Her heart flutters and she doesn't even care about why Lexa is here. She _is here_ and that's all that matters. 

Clarke undresses and crawls into her bed. Lexa is sleeping on Clarke's side, silently drooling on Clarke's pillow. So Clarke slides up next to Lexa as the big spoon. She buries her nose in Lexa's hair and inhales her perfume. She kisses her softly on the shoulder before closing her eyes. 

Before drifting off to sleep someone murmurs 'welcome home' into the night and Clarke is not sure if it's Lexa or herself. 

But it doesn't matter. 

Because she's home.


	13. Chapter XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think you know how much I love all your comments. See, a lot of you tell me how much you love every single time Lexa says something... think about it, I've shared about 65k words with you so far (both works combined) and some of the most memorable words (according to you, the readers) are when Lexa speaks. Lexa's words are few and simple, but you all love it anyways. It tells me that some of you out there actually get the hidden message of this story. You know how the saying goes "actions speak louder than words". Lexa doesn't need thousands of words to love Clarke and Clarke doesn't need those words to feel it. 
> 
> Okay, that got a little too deep on a Sunday - even for me. Without further ado, here's chapter thirteen.  
> ~anonbeme

The alarm clock screams at 7am because Lexa has to go to work. She's had three maybe four hours of sleep and the exhaustion aches all the way into her bones. The alarm screams a little bit louder by every second that Lexa ignores it until her ears hurt more than the rest of her body. She fumbles for the snooze button cutting off the noise, immediate relief washing over her body, and then rolls over to snuggle closer to Clarke. 

Clarke. 

Clarke is home. 

She opens her eyes for the first time this morning, only for a split second before her pounding headache forces them shut again. A split second is enough, though, enough to see a sleeping Clarke next to her, enough to see her golden locks casually strewn over the pillow, enough to see her closed eyes and her soft lips. Lexa scoots a little bit closer, just enough to lean her forehead against Clarke's, just barely touching. It eases her headache enough for her to fall back asleep. 

The alarm clock screams again. Lexa sighs as she reaches over to turn it off. She swings her legs over the edge of the bed and takes a moment to just feel the floor beneath her feet, let it ground her. 

She wills her body to get up except it doesn't happen. 

So she just sits there, hands on the edge of the bed holding her body up. Because that's all she can do. 

"Lex..." Clarke croaks as she clumsily fights the sheets to take a seat next to Lexa. Clarke can tell from Lexa's clenched jaw and the way she hunches her shoulders that she doesn't feel good at all, so she slides an arm around Lexa's waist and leans her head comfortingly against Lexa's shoulder. 

They sit like that for another couple of minutes until Lexa places a soft kiss on the top of Clarke's head. 

"Finding you in my bed when I got home was really nice." Clarke says sleepily, breaking into a silent yawn.

The softness of Clarke's voice feels like being wrapped in a fluffy blanket and so Lexa reaches for the notepad on the bedside table, carefully not to lose the physical contact with Clarke.

"You can turn on the lights... I don't mind," Clarke says, because Lexa is scribbling away in the dark. But Lexa's headache is a beast that shows no mercy and she knows the lights will only make it worse, so she manages. 

She gives Clarke the notepad and then turns on the lamp on the bedside table for Clarke while keeping her eyes closed, her head hung low between her slumbed shoulders. 

_'You coming home to me felt really nice too. I couldn't sleep so I came here. Haven't slept much and my head is killing me. I need to go to the library but I'm not sure I can. I'm sorry I woke you up.'_

Clarke reads the note and then looks at Lexa, a miserable looking Lexa. She sighs as she runs her hand up and down Lexa's back a few times. 

"You look terrible, Lex. Text your boss and tell him you're sick, nurse's order," Clarke smiles tiredly at her own joke. "I'll get you some painkillers and then we're going back to sleep, okay?" 

When Lexa nods Clarke gets up to turn off the lights again and she can basically feel the relief bounce off Lexa's body. She hands Lexa her phone before leaving the room. 

Clarke returns with painkillers and a glass of water and she kneels in front of Lexa placing a soft hand on Lexa's thigh as she swallows the pills. As soon as Lexa places the empty glass on the bedside table Clarke envelopes her in a hug and Lexa weakly pulls Clarke closer, Clarke positioned between her legs and flush up against her body. 

"Did you text him?" Clarke whispers. 

Lexa nods to confirm. 

"Need anything else?"

Lexa shakes her head. 

Clarke then leans her forehead against Lexa's as she starts massaging her neck. She can feel Lexa's breath on her lips, it's heavy and helpless and the more Clarke massages her neck, the more Lexa let's go of the tension in her body, the more steady her breathing becomes, the heavier Lexa's head becomes against Clarke's forehead.

"Thank you." Lexa sighs, one of those sighs that is both a release of good and bad things all at once.

"You're welcome, Lex," Clarke smiles. Because Lexa's voice is her favorite thing. Because Lexa is making progress. Because Lexa is _here_. "Come on, let's get back to bed." 

Clarke presses the softest of kisses to that spot between Lexa's eyebrows and she feels the tension there crumble and dissappear beneath her lips.

She yawns as she climbs back into bed. She then softly pulls Lexa onto the bed too, pulling the sheets back over both of them, pulling Lexa into her arms and she makes sure Lexa falls asleep before drifting off herself too. 

*

While Clarke hits the shower, Lexa sits by the kitchen counter bent over a notepad, completely caught up in her own little world. She's biting her lip in concentration as she scribbles word after word trying her best to explain what's been on her mind since she left her apartment last night. She has always struggled with the limitations of words, leaving it up to her music to express herself more accurately. This time though, she needs Clarke to understand every single thing, every detail, and so this letter must be written. 

She reads through the letter a couple of times making sure everything she wants to say is there, all the things she needs to tell Clarke, things of utmost importance. 

Carpe diem and such. 

Once satisfied with the result she signs the letter with her name, the pen dancing eagerly across the pale-yellow paper. She leaves her thoughts on the counter for Clarke to find before leaving the apartment, a whimsical smile on her lips, her body awake and giddy as she moves through the streets towards her destination. 

*

_Love,_  
_Last night I realized that I've spent more than eight years hiding from the world and letting my fears control me. I want to be with you and I want to do it right. I don't want to waste time sleeping alone when I can sleep next to you every day. Coming here last night felt so good... like something I should've done a long time ago._  
_And yes, what we have is still new but it feels so right. So come what may, I'm done wasting time, Clarke. I'm so done wasting precious time. I'm yours in any way you want me._  
_What I'm saying is that I would love to move in with you if you want it too. If you're not ready, I'll wait for you. You're most definitely worth waiting for me. I mean it, no pressure, it takes as long as it takes._  
_While I'm throwing it all out there I might as well say that I really like having Anya and Raven close. You're all family to me. And I like the house idea too but that's not why I want to move in with you._  
_YOU are my home, no matter the place we live in._

_I love you,_  
_Lexa_

*

Clarke exits the shower and finds Lexa's letter on the kitchen counter along with a note saying _'I'm back in an hour and I'm bringing lunch so don't spoil your appetite'_. 

With time she has learned that Lexa leaving like this doesn't mean that she's actually _leaving_. It simply means that Lexa is an independent woman who follows through on her ideas. It's one of many things Clarke loves about her. She has also learned that Lexa's notes explaining her absence is merely Lexa's way of taking care of her. In Lexa's language it means _'I'm fine, don't worry, I love you, I'll always come back to you'_. And she always does. 

Clarke sits by the kitchen counter reading her letter, tracing a finger along the words as she reads them again, and she realizes that she wants all of this too. Exactly as Lexa describes it. She wants Lexa and no limitations. She wants to not waste anymore time. She even wants the stupid house thing too because Lexa is right, they're all family.

Family. 

Mom and dad. They don't know about Lexa but they should. Inspired by Lexa's words about not wasting anymore time Clarke picks up her phone and calls her mom, not even considering that she most likely will be at work and won't answer the phone. 

But she does. 

_"Clarke?"_

"Mom, hi!"

_"Clarke, honey, oh it's so good to hear from you, how are you?"_

"I'm fine, mom. I'm great! Actually, that's why I'm calling." Clarke smiles, looking at the word 'family' in Lexa's letter, tapping it with her index finger. 

_"Oh? Well, do tell."_

"Well, first of all I want to apologize for giving you the silent treatment for so long. It's... I'm not proud of it and I've missed you a lot."

_"Clarke, it's okay. We knew you were going to contact us the minute you felt ready to and we've missed you too. How is Raven doing?"_

"Raven is good. Her leg is acting up again but she's doing really well coping with it. She met someone, who's really good for her. Anya. Which brings me to why I'm calling you... uh, well... I kinda met someone too... Anya's sister, actually, her name is Lexa..." Clarke pauses because she doesn't know how to continue on from here. 

_"Oh, well, that's good to hear, honey. Both you and Raven deserves to be happy. So... Does that mean you're coming up here soon to introduce us?"_

"There's nothing I want more, mom. I've been practicing riding in cars but I'm not ready for the long trip yet. Soon, I hope. I really want you and dad to meet her."

_"We want to meet her too. Both of them, well, all of you. I'm so excited for you. I assume it means you're happy."_

Abby Griffin has a talent for always being extremely interested in the things that makes her daughter happy. Clarke wishes she could have this conversation face to face, over lunch maybe, like they used to, but this'll have to do for now. 

"I am. Very much."

_"Well, honey, what are you waiting for... Tell me all about her."_

And so she does. 

*

Lexa walks along the sidewalk towards Clarke's apartment building with a duffle bag in one hand and chinese take-out in the other. She's taking a bit of a risk doing this, but she feels like taking big risks right now. Although if she must be honest, it's not a bigger risk than something she feels really confident about. She's 98% sure of a positive outcome. 

She locks herself inside with the spare key Clarke gave her a month ago and then she walks directly into the kitchen where she knows she'll find Clarke, kicking off her shoes midwalk in the hallway. 

"Oh, hey, she's back, mom. I gotta go. I'll call you again soon, okay? Tell dad I love him." Clarke says before putting her phone down. 

Lexa puts the duffle bag on the floor and the food on the counter and then gently cups Clarke's face and pulls her into a kiss. It's soft and demanding and Lexa teases her with the tip of her tongue until Clarke gasps into her mouth. 

Lexa opens her eyes before breaking the kiss. She loves to watch Clarke eyelashes flutter open, she loves to watch those brilliant blue oceans emerge in front of her. She studies Clarke as she gains back control of her sight, almost simultaneously as she loosens her grip on Lexa's shirt. The moment Clarke's eyes focus on her lips she gives her that half smile she knows Clarke loves. 

"Hey..." Clarke breathes, clearly flustered. 

Lexa greets her with another quick kiss to her lips before taking a seat and unpacking the food. 

"So... I called my mom and told her about you. She wants to meet you, my dad too." 

She picks up the notepad and places it so Clarke can see what she writes. Lexa doesn't know much about them, but she knows that Clarke loves them and even though Clarke hasn't told her she knows that Clarke misses them. She also knows that their lack of communication is a consequence of mourning Finn so she's been careful not to push her. These things take time and everyone sets their own pace. Lexa knows this all too well. 

_'I'd love to meet them too.'_

Lexa grins at her as she hands her a pair of chopsticks. 

"So... What's in the bag?" Clarke asks curiously. 

Lexa writes. _'A few things I may or may not need depending on whatever you have to say to my letter'_

"Oh that's bold, Lex." Clarke raises an eyebrow at her and Lexa shrugs confidently as she takes a bite of her spring roll. 

"I agree with you though. What we have _does_ feel right." Clarke says, putting down her chopsticks releasing a heavy sigh. "We lost a kid last night and losing kids always affect me more. I needed to not be alone last night and I missed you so bad I almost went to your place," Clarke admits and the pain in her voice breaks Lexa's heart. If only she'd known. "I didn't because I knew you had to get up early. And then I found you in my bed, and I forgot I was sad. I snuggled close to you and I realized I want this every day, every night, all the time. So yes, I want this too. Even the stupid house, Lex, because you're right, we're one big family."

The happy grin that spreads on Lexa's face makes Clarke's heart flutter.

"Come what may! You know what? I'm not even scared... I just... I'm excited about it." Clarke grins back. Lexa leans in to steal a kiss, it's one of those kisses that Clarke always translates into _'me too'_. 

Clarke pulls out her phone and says, "Should we tell Rae and Anya?" and Lexa nods in agreement. 

Clarke:  
_Hey Rae, if the offer still stands and you both still want it... We're in, housemates._

Raven's reply ticks in immediately. 

Raven:  
_We know ;)_

Clarke:  
_What do you mean, you know?_

Raven:  
_You practically gave the house and each other heart eyes when we went to see it. We knew you just needed time to figure that out yourself :)_

Clarke:  
_Did not! Btw, I'm calling a family meeting in the kitchen the next time we're all here... To make sure we're all on the same page._

Raven:  
_Yes ma'am :)_

Clarke shows Lexa the texts. "Well, I guess that's settled. So does that mean you and that bag there are moving in here?" Clarke nudges her head towards the duffle bag on the floor, a sheepish smile on her face. 

Lexa nods eagerly before stealing another kiss. 

"Good," Clarke grins.


	14. Chapter XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With chapter fourteen, Lovers In A Park has officially outgrown Strangers On A Bench. I'll have you know that I've written twenty chapters so far and I'm currently mapping out maybe three more chapters. I still can't believe this AU gets so many kudos and comments. I'm humbled by the attention you give it <3
> 
> I can't introduce this chapter without spoiling things, so...  
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

"Welcome home," Anya says as she turns the key to unlock the front door of the house. She pushes the door open and takes a moment to appreciate the feeling of excitement that bubbles under her skin before walking inside. 

Just like most November days it's been raining persistently all day, but the four women don't care. 

Because it's moving day. 

They've spent the past two weeks planning and packing and waiting impatiently for this day to arrive. It's a bit silly because the only thing that really changes is their address. Anya hasn't slept in her own apartment in months and Lexa hasn't since she moved herself and her duffle bag in at Clarke's. 

But still, it's exciting as hell. 

"Now we're officially roomies, all of us," Raven exclaims as she enters the door. 

"Housemates," Clarke corrects her as she crosses the threshold too. "Housies?" She offers in an afterthought, a sheepish grin on her face. 

"No!" Anya dismisses dryly. 

"You're so old, babe." Raven teases. 

Anya stares at her for a few seconds and then she sighs, shaking her head. "Dips on the left bedroom. Because I'm old."

"Yes, ma'am!" Raven and Clarke says in unison which makes Anya roll her eyes. 

Lexa is the last one inside, a big grin on her face. Her eyes shifts down the hall once in a while even though she tries her hardest not to. 

"Unpacking first, then piano, sis," Anya says, smiling at Lexa. She knows her little sister well enough to know what's on her mind. Lexa pouts dramatically receiving a muttered _"I'm beginning to regret this"_ from Anya and a soft kiss on the cheek from a smiling Clarke.

Just then Lincoln and Octavia pulls up outside the house in the tiny moving truck rented for the occasion. Lincoln honks the horn once letting everyone know they're there. 

The house is already furnished, so they're basically just moving their personal items and once all the boxes have been stacked into the rooms Lincoln and Octavia joins the others in the kitchen. 

"This is a nice house... A _reeeally_ nice house." Octavia says swiveling in her chair to take it all in. 

"It is." Raven smiles. "And we appreciate your help moving all our crap. You should stay and celebrate with us. We're ordering pizza." 

"Yeah okay, sure," Octavia answers. 

"But only if Lexa promises to give us a song or two," Lincoln says nodding towards the piano and Lexa grins back at him because she was going to either way. 

*

"This bed is so soft," Clarke presses her face into the pillow and sighs dreamily. Lexa can't see her face but she can easily picture the smile on Clarke's lips, dopey and content. 

Clarke had entered their bedroom and thrown her fully clothed self onto the bed and is now lying on her stomach, arms and legs randomly thrown in every direction. Lexa had entered right behind her smiling at Clarke's antics, following her onto the bed but in a more subtle manner. 

Lexa straddles Clarke's waist, her hands finding Clarke's shoulders. As she begins massaging her softly Clarke immediately responds with a happy moan.

"God, I love you," Clarke's voice is muffled against the pillow but Lexa hears it loud and clear and so she leans forward to leave a soft kiss on Clarke's shoulder. Lexa straightens back up and continues the back rub. Within five minutes Clarke is like butter underneath her and Lexa is pretty sure she'd find Clarke drooling if she checked.

"What are you drawing?" Lexa has stopped the massage in turn for drawing things in Clarke's back with her index finger. 

"Guess," Lexa says. 

It makes Clarke smile. 

"Alright..." Clarke closes her eyes to concentrate on Lexa's touch as she draws an easily guessed symbol on her back. 

"A heart," Clarke guesses. 

"Love," Lexa agrees. 

"Lex?" Clarke opens her eyes again and when Lexa stops moving her finger Clarke moves to twist underneath, now lying on her back looking up at Lexa. She entwines her fingers with Lexa's right hand and places a kiss on the index finger Lexa had used to draw on her back. "Do you only use your voice around me?"

Lexa nods thoughtfully, carefully as if she's sharing a big secret for the first time and she's not sure how people are going to respond to it. 

"Why?" Clarke watches Lexa closely as her gaze drops, blinking a few times. 

The thing is, Lexa doesn't know for sure. She only knows that using her voice is something she only ever does when she feels a hundred percent safe. Clarke provides her that safety. 

She wants to tell Clarke just that. But she doesn't know how to without using a lot more words than just a few. Her eyes instinctively looks for a notepad on the bedside table but she hasn't had the chance to place one there yet. 

"You need a notepad?"

Lexa bites her lips nervously and then shakes her head. She locks her eyes onto Clarke's blue oceans to draw the strength she needs to continue. 

"I feel safe," Lexa whispers,"... with you."

Five words. 

Five words leave Clarke breathless. 

Five words leave Lexa terrified. 

They are the calm in Clarke's heart, but a tornado in Lexa's mind. 

They are the biggest declaration of trust anyone has ever given Clarke and they are the most important words Lexa has ever spoken, the most terrifying thing she's ever had to do. 

Their eyes stay locked and Clarke smiles at her, just smiles, and the tornado in Lexa's mind slowly winds down. 

There's a knock on the door. 

_"Clarke? Lexa?"_ It's Raven. 

"Yeah?" Clarke answers. 

_"Are you decent?"_ They can basically hear Raven smirk through the door. 

"Yeah, we're decent... come in." Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa chuckles. She's still straddling Clarke's waist as Raven and Anya enters their bedroom. They both take a seat on the edge of the bed and Lexa moves to sit next to Clarke instead. 

"Mom just called," Anya says, looking at Lexa. "She and dad just invited themselves over for dinner tomorrow."

Lexa gives Anya a pleading look.

"Don't look at me that way, you know how she is. I'm beginning to think this was their plan all along. Having us renting one of their houses so they can stop by any time they want." Anya says, not really angry, just slightly annoyed. 

"Don't worry, Anya, we'll woo the in-laws like they've never been wooed before, right Rae?" Clarke says playfully. 

"Yeah, totally. Ooh, let's do that salmon dish. Do they like salmon?" Raven looks at both sisters. 

"Sure." Anya says. 

"Okay, we'll do the salmon... some nice wine... have the wonder child here play some tunes on the piano... They won't know what hit them," Raven winks at Anya and Lexa and then shares a grin with Clarke. 

"Unbelievable..." Anya sighs, staring at Raven in disbelief. "You're _excited_ about this?" 

"Well, yeah! Babe, I throw dinner parties all the time... It's like you don't even know me..." Raven winks at her. 

"Uh, okay, if you're sure. So, tell me if there's something you expect me and Lexa to do?"

"I'll write a grocery list, you and Lexa can go pick things up tomorrow." Raven batters her eyelashes dramatically at her. 

"So bossy!"

"You like it," Raven winks at her and Anya eventually just shrugs and throws in one of her confident smirks. 

"Okay, take that to your own room," Clarke scolds them playfully. 

Raven gets up from the bed laughing and pulls Anya with her out of the room. 

Clarke looks at Lexa who's mostly just been observing the conversation. "You okay, Lex?" 

Lexa nods. Clarke can tell Lexa is trying to just shrug it off, that she'd prefer not to have her parents over for dinner. 

"I kinda like your parents," Clarke says as an afterthought, not really meant for anyone. 

"Less talk," Lexa says, pushing Clarke down on the bed. A chuckle barely slips Clarke's lips before Lexa swallows it in a kiss. 

*

The doorbell rings. 

Raven is in the kitchen finishing up preparations and Clarke and Lexa are glued to the piano so Anya goes to open the door. 

"Mom, dad. Good to see you, come on in." Anya greets them. 

"You too, Anya." Gustus smiles warmly at his eldest. "Oh honey, listen. Alexandra is playing the piano," he says to his wife. 

"Lexa AND Clarke, actually. You should sneak in to watch them. She's good for Lexa. Really good," the proud big sister tells them. 

"Oh? Let's do that, Gus." Indra smiles, first af her daughter, then her husband. 

They walk down the hall and stop by the entrance to the living room as to not interrupt them. 

Lexa has given Clarke a new snippet of a melody for her to loop infinitely and Lexa is improvising around it. Once in a while Clarke changes her snip on purpose and it makes Lexa beam with pride. To Lexa, music is a language she uses to express herself and just like Lexa is slowly learning to speak again, Clarke is learning to speak through Lexa's language. It makes sense to them, it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. 

Indra and Gustus are both speechless as they watch Lexa show off her piano skills playfully making Clarke laugh. Gustus thinks Clarke has a beautiful laugh, it sounds like life itself and he understands why Lexa loves her. For the first time in maybe ever, Indra realizes that Lexa doesn't need to speak to be happy. Clarke is quite the miracle maker, she thinks. 

Gustus looks to his wife who's getting emotional by the sight and he leans in to place a kiss to her cheek. "Come on, honey, let's go in and say hi."

They walk into the room and greet Raven in the kitchen. Gustus offers a handshake but Raven won't have it, instead she pulls him in for a hug and he laughs heartily by the gesture. Raven gives Indra a hug too and she smiles by the gesture although she feels a little uncomfortable. It wasn't something she'd expected, is all. 

Clarke and Lexa stops playing the second they notice them and Clarke skips across the living room to greet _the in-laws_ with a hug as well. Lexa walks up slowly to take a stand next to Anya as she nods her hello to her parents. Anya leans in to whisper only for Lexa to hear, "what's with the hugging?" and Lexa doesn't know, so she just shrugs, equally disturbed and mesmerized by it. 

*

Dinner is nice and comfortable. Indra and Gustus are warm and attentive and wants to know what everyone has been doing since their last dinner together and Anya is having a really hard time hating her parents. In fact, this feels really good. It's not superficial, it's just... family dinner. It's like she always pictured it should be and for an evening she allows herself to not hate them. 

Lexa is enjoying dinner as well. They're not making comments about her not speaking or not choosing to work for their company. They're just genuinely interested in whatever she wants to share with them. 

After dinner, they settle around the coffee table and Lexa's thoughts wanders mindlessly towards the piano. 

"Alexandra, I'm glad to see you're putting the piano to good use," Indra says, smiling at her youngest. Lexa smiles back and if Indra must be honest, she doesn't need Lexa to answer with words, it's the same smile she wore as a kid every time she played the piano and Indra understands the meaning behind it, more than most things. 

"I see you're teaching Clarke as well," Gustus winks at his daughter and then smiles at Clarke and the soft smiles his daughter shares with her girlfriend doesn't go unnoticed. 

"Is the library still good for you?" Gustus then asks and Lexa brings out her notepad to explain her new work situation. 

_'The library is only part time and if everything goes well I'll probably quit in the new year. The hospital has a Kids Center to help disabled kids and I've been working a bit on a delevopment program for children who can't speak or hear. I don't want to jinx it, but right now it looks like I'll be working with them next year.'_

"Oh, Alexandra, that sounds great. What kind of work will you be doing?" Indra wants to know. 

Lexa takes her notepad back to write an answer. Her body fills with excitement as she explains what she'll be doing. It's the first time she's ever been excited about a job situation. Before Costia died, all she wanted was to play the piano and _not_ work for her parents. Losing Costia also meant losing the need to dream, so she settled with the easy job at the library to make ends meet. 

It worked. 

Until Clarke came along. 

Until Clarke brought back her music. 

Until Clarke introduced her to Niylah who decided Lexa was worth giving a chance. 

Then the library stopped working because she started dreaming again. That's what the Kids Center is to her. She doesn't want these kids to stop dreaming like she did. 

Clarke reads the note as Lexa writes it, an arm on the back of the couch behind Lexa and a chin softly placed on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa then sends the finished note across the coffee table to her parents and Clarke kisses her on the cheek and whispers "I'm proud of you" barely an inch from her ear. 

_'I'll be working with the team to teach the kids how to communicate and deal with a society that isn't clearly fit for their disability. It's about making them confident using the tools they do have and also give them some new ones. If the board approves, we'll start a new mentor project next year that connects the children with someone who's been living successfully with their disability. Also, we're working on a project to teach the kids to express themselves with other forms of communication to understand themselves better, like art and music, and I may even get to teach some of them to play the piano. It depends on how fast I delevop my sign language skills.'_

"Mom." Anya says, gesturing for the notepad because she wants to read it too. 

"Oh, sorry," Indra says handing it over. "Alexandra, that's amazing. I'm proud of you. I know I've been hard on you, but all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy and use the gifts this life has graced you with to do good. I think you finally found your place in the world." 

There's a moment of silence as everyone takes in what Indra just said. The note has reached Raven as Lexa and Anya stares at their mom who's at the rim of crying. Gustus puts a comforting hand on his wife's wrist as he says, " _We're_ proud of you. _Both_ of you. This house is filled with so much joy and life, it warms our hearts to experience it."

"Shit, Lexa, this is awesome!" Raven exclaims, interrupting the emotional moment. It takes away the awkwardness as the room instantly fills with a heart-felt laughter from Gustus. 

"Raven! You are one of a kind," he says and Raven blushes.

"That she is," Anya agrees smiling at Raven.

*

That night, after their parents had gone home, after Raven had gone to bed and while Clarke is in the shower, Anya joins Lexa on the couch for a sister talk. Anya throws her feet onto the coffee table and Lexa leans her head on Anya's shoulder. 

"I think aliens have taken over mom and dad's bodies," Anya says, half joking half being serious. 

Lexa chuckles and nods. 

Anya likes it when Lexa chuckles. A year ago she'd just have smiled silently, but lately it's developed into a chuckle and Anya thinks she can hear a bit of Lexa's voice when it happens. 

"You okay?" Anya asks and Lexa nods again. 

"I'm proud of you, sis." Anya leans her head against Lexa's head too now. "Not just with the Kids Center. I've watched you grow and take on new challenges ever since you met Clarke and I'm proud of you for letting her into your life like that. I know it hasn't been easy." 

Anya reaches for Lexa's hand and gives it a squeeze. Lexa squeezes it back, using their old routine to tell Anya she's okay.

They sit there leaned against one another taking in the silence around them until Anya breaks the silence again. 

"No, really, what's going on with mom and dad? I don't know how to deal with them being all... like normal parents... It's weird!"

This is one of those pockets of time that will be tethered to her mind forever, Lexa thinks. It's the first time in maybe all her life that her mom and dad has acted like normal parents, at least for as long as she can remember. It's only their second night in the house and Lexa has had a family dinner with Clarke, Anya and Raven and her parents and this family already feels complete. 

It feels good.

This sister talk on the couch feels good too. They used to have many of those before she met Clarke and she kind of misses them, so she makes a mental note to make them happen again. Soon. Often, preferably. 

Being home feels good.


	15. Chapter XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all sappy fools, you know that? ;)  
> For the record, I wrote this fic, so I guess I'm the sappiest fool of all. 
> 
> Again, thank you for all the comments and the kudos. I mean it! <3 (also thank you to those of you asking me things on tumblr).
> 
> Another thing, I've finished drafting this. It's done (minus all the proofreading, of course). So I finally added a total number of chapters to the description. Twenty-three.  
> I may start uploading a bit more often now because I've got a new multichapter ready to be shared and I'm not sure I can wait much longer ;)  
> Thus, this is uploaded on a Saturday, not a Sunday.
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

It's Monday and it's 5am.

The first time Lexa wakes up is when Clarke's alarm clock starts beeping. Clarke mutters ungrateful things as she knocks over the clock while turning it off, she didn't get much sleep and it's her own fault, really. 

When Lexa came to bed last night she was greeted by a scandaloused clothed Clarke with seductive eyes and hot kisses and Lexa doesn't know how to say no to _that_ version of Clarke. 

Well, Lexa doesn't know how to say no to _any_ version of Clarke.

Clarke sighs and snuggles closer to Lexa, spooning her from behind and it's safe and warm and comforting, so Lexa easily falls back asleep.

The second time Lexa wakes up, Clarke is leaving sleepy but not at all innocent kisses on Lexas neck. Lexa's body responds automatically by rolling over to face her, to meet her kisses with some of her own. 

"I have to get up," Clarke sighs.

Lexa reluctantly pulls back as to not be the one that makes Clarke late for work but Clarke's lips chases Lexa's desperately as if losing the contact would mean the end the world. 

"I don't wannaaa," Clarke whines, pulling Lexa closer by the waist. Lexa chuckles against her lips, kissing her one last time. She then cups her cheek with one hand to be able to create enough distance between them to seek out her eye contact.

Even in the darknes of their bedroom Clarke can see Lexa looks just as exhausted as Clarke feels. Clarke sighs, "I'm sorry I woke you up, I know you have the day off, I should've let you sleep." 

There's something about this moment that pulls at Lexa's heartstrings making her not want to miss a second of it. Maybe it's the magic of their first Monday in this house, maybe Lexa is still under that seductive spell Clarke put on her last night... or maybe it's just... simply Clarke. 

Lexa returns Clarke's apology with that half smile Clarke loves before sliding out of bed. She stretches, her arms reaching towards the ceiling, her sore muscles catching a bit of release and Clarke admires the contours of her naked body, softly lit up by the bit of moonlight slipping through the blinds. 

A satisfied hum escapes Clarke's lips by the sight as Lexa walks towards the closet. Lexa pulls out a t-shirt and a pair of shorts for herself, putting them on before walking back to the bed. She takes a seat on Clarke's edge of the bed and writes a note for her. She leaves a kiss on Clarke's forehead before leaving the bedroom. 

Clarke can't help the smile forming on her lips as she reads the note. 

_'Love, I'll make you breakfast while you take a shower.'_

*

There's a plate with fried eggs and bacon and a cup of coffee ready for Clarke as she enters the kitchen and Lexa is sitting by the kitchen table peeling an orange for herself. She's wearing Clarke's old college t-shirt and her wild hair is tamed in a lazy ponytail and Clarke kind of wants to skip breakfast and ignore work and instead pull Lexa back to bed. 

"What did I do to deserve you," Clarke says softly as she takes a seat next to Lexa. 

Clarke's hair is still damp from the shower and smells like her shampoo, like a breeze bringing along the remnants of a flower field. She's wearing a pair of jeans and Lexa's green hoodie and Lexa kind of wants to grab a blanket and cuddle up with Clarke on the couch, taking a nap while ignoring a movie. 

Lexa offers Clarke a slice from her orange and Clarke parts her lips to accept it. There's something about being fed tiny pieces of food by your lover that creates dirty thoughts in your mind, well, in Clarke's mind, and Lexa can tell so she smirks at Clarke who blushes a little, shrugging, "Shut up, I have a sexy girlfriend, okay?"

Lexa eats the rest of her orange with a lazy smile on her face and when Clarke gets up to put her empty plate in the dishwasher, Lexa follows her. They meet in a hug in the middle of the kitchen and they stand there with closed eyes, letting all other senses deal with this moment. 

"So... you going back to sleep or do you have plans at 6am on your day off?" Clarke is asking a question that requires more than a nod or a shake to be answered on purpose. They're alone in the kitchen, maybe she won't get her notepad, then. 

"Unpack," Lexa says against golden hair. 

Clarke smiles against her shoulder. Lexa's voice is better than any music she's ever heard. It's soft and warm and a bit husky, just the slightest. 

"Piano." Lexa continues. 

Clarke's heart flutter. 

"Sleep." Lexa yawns. 

Clarke breaks the hug to meet Lexa's eyes with a faux confused look. "What have you done to my girlfriend..." 

Lexa rolls her eyes and pulls Clarke into a kiss. It's meant to be soft and wish Clarke a good day at work and it _is_ until Clarke melts against Lexa, her hands finding Lexa's naked skin under her t-shirt. The smallest of moans escapes Clarke's lips and Lexa can't say no to this Clarke either, so she deepens the kiss and pulls Clarke even closer by the waist. 

Someone clears their throat. 

Anya stands in the doorway with a raised eyebrow and Clarke kisses Lexa's blushed cheek before taking a step back. 

"Sorry." Clarke looks apologetically at Anya who smirks back at her. "Thank you for breakfast, Lex, I should get going."

Clarke is about to leave the room when she stops in her tracks. "Ooh, by the way, how about you invite Niylah to the dinner party on Saturday? Think about it," Clarke says and Lexa nods before watching Clarke exit the room. 

Anya takes a seat by the counter, grabbing and orange for herself. Lexa goes to pick up a small box she's been wanting to unpack since they moved in. She then joins her sister in the kitchen. 

"I thought you had the day off?" Anya asks. Lexa nods and shrugs.

Lexa opens the box and carefully pulls out a stack of papers in all sizes and a plastic bag with tiny magnets. 

She slowly begins hanging the collection of Clarke's drawings and her own mutated stick man drawings onto their new refrigerator. It's bigger than the old one which means there's room for more drawings. 

When she's done she still has two drawings left. She studies them both with a thoughtful look in her eyes until Anya interrupts. 

"Anything wrong with those two?"

Lexa looks at her and shakes her head. She places the drawings on the counter for Anya to see and then reaches for the nearest notepad. 

_'I want to frame Clarke's Seasons and hang it up. It deserves a better spot than the fridge.'_

"Oh, cool. You should definitely do that! And what about the snowflake?" Anya points to the piece of paper with Clarke's detailed snowflake drawing, the one that still holds evidence of having been crumbled into a ball.

_'I've always wanted a tattoo'_

"And you want Clarke's snowflake?" Anya asks smiling at her little sister. 

Lexa smiles, then nods. 

"Where?" 

Lexa points to a place just below her collarbone. Anya doesn't know, but it's the exact same spot as Clarke's scar.

"How big?"

Lexa subconsciously looks to the spot she's pointing at. She then holds her thumb and index fingers up to indicate maybe two inches. 

"Okay, that could work. Colors?"

Lexa shakes her head. She just wants a simple black ink tattoo of Clarke's beautiful snowflake. The art speaks for itself, she thinks. 

"Want me to contact Luna? She did mine and Lincoln's tattoos."

Lexa nods and scribbles one last note that morning before going back to bed. 

_'Could you go with me?'_

"Of course, sis."

*

Anya books Luna for Wednesday afternoon. It's her own day off and she picks up Lexa at the library at 2pm.

Clarke and Raven are already home once they're back at the house. Lexa was hoping to keep the tattoo a secret until her skin had healed but she doesn't expect Clarke to not notice the bandage on her chest. But for now, she's wearing a hoodie so it's not obvious. 

She's carrying two photo frames, both in thin dark mahogany. It's a majestic look, classic, and Lexa thinks it brings out the details in Clarke's drawings. She hides them behind her back as she walks into the kitchen, Anya right behind her. 

"Oh, you're back," Raven says, "Good. How does homemade pizza sound like? Clarke and I have cravings." 

"I think it sounds perfect. Need help?" Anya replies as she greets Raven with a kiss. 

"Maybe do the salad?"

"Sure." 

"Thanks babe."

Lexa walks up to Clarke with a big grin on her face. She's usually better at keeping a straight face when she has a surprise for Clarke, but she can't hold it in this time. 

"What's with that creepy smile, Lex, should I be worried?" Clarke narrows her eyes at her playfully. 

Lexa leans in to capture Clarke's lips and the kiss is over way too soon for Lexa's liking because Clarke realizes Lexa has something hidden behind her back. 

"What's behind your back... Is it for me?" Clarke's eyes light up. 

Lexa nods, not moving an inch. 

"Well, gimme!" Clarke grins. 

Lexa gives her the first frame, the one with Clarke's Seasons drawing and she watches Clarke's eyes widen as she takes it in. 

"You framed it? I just told Raven I missed it on the fridge and that it probably just got lost when we moved... Wait, the snowflake?"

Lexa pulls out the other frame and when Clarke sees the framed snowflake, the crumbled piece of paper so beautifully framed, her snowflake next to Lexa's disaster snowflake, her eyes well up. 

Clarke is speechless. She places the frames on the kitchen table and attacks Lexa in a forceful hug.

Clarke can't see it, but Lexa winces because Clarke squeezes the area around the tattoo and it hurts a little. Anya notices and shakes her head at Lexa, that's what she gets from insisting to keep it at secret a little longer. 

Clarke does notice, though, because Lexa's body tenses up, if only just for a second. Clarke is so attuned to Lexa's subtle body language that this basically screams at her. 

"You okay?" Clarke looks at her to figure out what's wrong. 

Lexa nods. 

Clarke places her hands flat against Lexa's collarbones, it's something she does often, she likes to feel Lexa's chest rise and fall with every breath, she likes to feel Lexa's heart beat against her hand. 

But this time she feels the bandage underneath the fabric of Lexa's hoodie and Lexa curses herself for not anticipating this would happen. 

"You...." Clarke runs her hand over the bandage to make sure it's actually there, "Is that a bandage? What happened? You okay?" Clarke starts to ramble frantically as she pulls at the hem of Lexa's hoodie to lift it up to see. 

Lexa realizes Clarke is scared and so she grabs her hands to try to calm her down, but Clarke won't have it. 

"Lex, let me see." Clarke sounds desperate. 

"Clarke." Lexa says to get her attention. 

Three women suddenly stare at Lexa. Anya and Raven because Lexa just spoke, Clarke because she's confused about the situation. 

Lexa sighs and drops Clarke's hands. She slowly pulls her hoodie over her head, careful not to move her left part of her torso too much. 

Lexa is now in a tank top and most of the bandage is visible. Clarke runs careful fingertips along the edges of it. "What happened, Lex?" she whispers. She looks up at Lexa who smiles at her and when Clarke schrunches her eyebrows like she always does when she's confused Lexa smiles in even wider. 

"Lex!" Clarke warns. 

"Tattoo," Lexa whispers.

"What? You got a tattoo?" Clarke looks at the bandage again, "Well, what is it? Let me see!" 

Raven raises an eyebrow at the scene in front of her. "Your sister just spoke and Clarke acts like it's the most normal thing in the world," Raven says to Anya who looks just as surprised as Raven. 

They watch as Lexa takes a seat in one of the high chairs and slowly peels the bandage open in one corner. 

The tattoo is camouflaged by the red skin around it but Clarke immediately knows what it is. 

"You had my snowflake tattooed on your chest?" Clarke keeps staring at it and Lexa leans in to kiss Clarke on the forehead. 

Raven walks up next to Clarke sneaking a peek over her shoulder. 

"Nice, Lexa. I'm looking forward to see it once it's healed." Raven says smiling at Lexa. "It's the same spot as your scar, right?" she asks Clarke.

"Yeah, yes it is," Clarke says looking at Lexa. "Lex... You..." Clarke doesn't know what else to say. Lexa just had her snowflake, something that holds a lot of sentiment to both of them, tattooed on her chest, the same place as Clarke's scar. 

Clarke carefully closes the bandage again. "I like it," is all she is able to say at this point but Lexa knows that these words hold a lot more meaning, more than any words can ever describe. 

"Don't you ever scare me like that again, you idiot!" She says pretending to be angry but Lexa gives her that half smile she loves and pulls her into a hug, one of those hugs that makes Clarke sigh contentedly. 

"Okay, enough with the cuteness," Raven teases. "Clarke, the pizza dough doesn't make itself."

Clarke goes back to preparing dinner and Anya takes a seat next to Lexa. 

"So if I were to take away all your notepads, would you start speaking more?"

Lexa shakes her head and reaches for a notepad. 

_'It doesn't work like that. If I push myself I make it worse. I sometimes talk a little when I'm with Clarke, I think, because I feel safe. It's not more than a few words. It's a slow progress and I don't want to think about having an end goal. If I start speaking more, then I'll speak more. If not, well, then this is how it is.'_

"I get it, it makes sense. I'm glad you have Clarke. And it's not because I want you to speak more, but I hope you find a way to feel safe around more people than just Clarke. But I get it, because Rae makes me feel more safe too."

Anya gives Lexa's shoulder a soft push with her fist as she gets up from the chair to help Raven with the salad. 

"Now, go give us some music to work to, sis," Anya says over her shoulder and Lexa doesn't need to be told twice.

She takes a seat on the piano bench smiling to herself as she strikes the first chord of Anya's Song. She watches Anya grin back at her before filling the room with the song she wrote for her sister a long time ago.


	16. Chapter XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tattoo chapter is one of my personal favorites (along with the gravity chapter and one or two chapters yet to come). It seems you guys really liked last chapter too <3
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a stepping stone towards chapters to come. 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

It's the first dinner party at the house and breaking tradition it's on a Saturday. It's _their_ dinner party, not just Raven's anymore, but some things never change. Raven is in the kitchen ordering the sisters around making sure everything is up to her standards. Lexa can't cook to safe her life, so she's on table-setting duty while Anya cuts vegetables for the salad, not being allowed to touch any other foods because Raven takes too much pride in her cooking. Only Clarke is allowed to help with that still under Raven's supervision. 

Lexa circles the table to make sure everything is perfectly placed and when she meets Raven's eyes over the kitchen counter she smiles proudly as Raven gives her two thumbs up. It's not two seconds later when Raven scolds Anya for snacking on the bell pepper she's currently cutting. 

Lexa loves watching them interact like this, she loves watching her sister finally feeling comfortable enough to let someone else boss her around. It makes her smile when Anya jumps to dodge the hand towel Raven is whipping at her and then stealing another bell pepper slice, a carefree laugh escaping her body as she meets Raven in a kiss. 

She loves watching her sister, her hero, her role model being genuinely happy. She deserves it. 

Clarke is about to join them in the kitchen when the doorbell rings. She turns on her heels to go open the door and she swings it open to greet the first guest with a grand smile.

"Niylah. It's good to see you. I'm glad you could make it, come on in." Clarke greets her with a hug. They've known each other for a couple of years professionally and ever since Lexa started working with Niylah at the Kids Center, Clarke has come to know her as a private person as well. She's a really good friend to Lexa and she thinks she'll fit in quite well with the rest of the group. 

"Hi Clarke, thank you for the invitation," Niylah says handing over a bottle of wine to Clarke before shaking off her coat, hanging it on the coat rack next to the door. "Oh, hey Lexa," she calls over Clarke's shoulder greeting her with the sign for hello and Lexa greets her back the same way as she walks towards her. Lexa then gives Niylah a friendly hug and it makes Clarke smile to think about how far she's come, how far they've both come since that first dinner party nine months ago. Back then Lexa was hiding in her sister's shadow, hiding inside herself even and Clarke was not really excited about anything, or at least hiding from things that could be exciting. 

This day, _this moment right here_ is basically the opposite. It's all the things that defined them as broken people turned upside down. It's good, it's a really good feeling. 

Clarke and Lexa gives Niylah the house tour and ends up in the kitchen where Raven and Anya have just finished up on dinner preparations. 

"Oh hello, you must be Niylah. I'm Anya, Lexa's sister." Anya shakes Niylah's hand.

"Nice to finally meet you Anya." Niylah smiles politely. "And good to see you again, Raven."

"You too," Raven smiles. "So Niylah, I've got one dinner party rule and that is help yourself to whatever you need, alright? There's beer and soda in the fridge, wine over there if you're into that. Board games over there... if you want music Lexa is your girl." Raven winks at Lexa who returns with the sign for shut up but she's grinning while doing so because she'd play the piano any chance she gets. 

"Do you touch Clarke with those hands?" Raven feints mortification. 

"In a matter of fact, yes she does," Clarke says taking Lexa's hand to press a soft kiss against her knuckles, "and I'm not complaining. At all." Clarke winks at Raven who smirks back at her. 

"Please, no innuendos involving my sister..." Anya complains while covering her ears with her hands. 

At first Niylah didn't understand why the four of them had decided to move in together, you would think it'd get too crowded really fast and that it wouldn't leave room for privacy. Lexa once told her the four of them are like a family and watching them interact for barely a few minutes is enough for Niylah to understand it. She couldn't do it herself, but she can tell that it works for the four of them.

The door bell rings again and Clarke runs to get the door this time too. She returns with Lincoln and Octavia who greets everyone with a hug before introducing themselves to Niylah. 

"Lexa, we should play chess later, I've been practicing," Lincoln says, taking a stand next to Lexa who smiles back at him, nodding. 

"Oh, by the way, Bell is late, he told me to tell you to just start with dinner," Octavia tells everyone.

"Well, okay then, take a seat and I'll throw some food on the table," Raven says. 

*

"So Niylah, do you play music too?" Anya asks the newcomer thinking maybe that's the reason Lexa found a friend in her. 

"Oh, no no, sadly no. I never had the patience to learn," Niylah smiles at Lexa, "but I admire anyone who does."

"Got any fancy hobbies?" Raven asks. 

"Not really, well, I suppose I like to travel. I travel a lot." Niylah says thoughtfully, not sure that was what Raven wanted to hear. 

Lexa slips Niylah the top page from her notepad. 

_'I'm sorry about the third degree. They're nosey. Just tell them to shut up.'_

Niylah reads it and chuckles. "It's okay, Lexa, I wouldn't expect anything else." 

"Hey everyone." Bellamy's voice interrupts from the hallway. "I hope it's okay I let myself in." 

"Of course! Come in, food is still warm, you can get the tour later" Raven offers. 

"Sure." Bellamy walks around the high kitchen table to greet everyone. He hugs Clarke a bit longer like always and he ruffles Octavia's hair. He even hugs Lexa saying "Lexa, I expect a performance tonight," as he looks at the piano. Lexa follows his gaze and nods her agreement.

"Oh, hi, I'm Bellamy," he says, his charming smile in place as he offers Niylah his hand. 

"Nice to meet you Bellamy, I'm Niylah," she smiles back at him. 

"Ooh, Niylah likes to travel, maybe you can share your Europe stories with her instead of me," Octavia grins teasingly, her title as little sister showing its true colors. Her comment is without a doubt an attempt of mocking her brother, just a little, even if she won't admit it. 

"What? I thought you liked my Europe stories?" Bellamy looks a bit bewildered. 

"I did, but then I heard them all twenty times, Bell," Octavia deadpans. 

"Bellamy is Octavia's older brother," Clarke explains to Niylah. 

"Ah, well that makes sense." Niylah looks at Bellamy, "Bellamy, it's been a while since I went to Europe. I'd love to exchange stories with you later." She smiles at him. 

"I like you far better than the rest already," he grins, looking her straight in the eyes as he takes the empty seat across from her. 

*

After dinner Lincoln sets up the chessboard at the coffee table for him and Lexa while the rest are still chatting by the kitchen table. 

This game progresses slowly and Lexa can tell Lincoln has been practicing because his tactical choices are much more complex than they usually are but it's still not enough to beat her. Lincoln still sighs every time Lexa takes one of his pieces and Lexa still bites her lip thoughtfully before every move. They're so caught up in their game that none of them notices how the rest of the group slowly finds their place around the coffee table. 

Lexa has been staring at the board for a while now and the intensity from it has everyone silently looking at her, following the end of the game. 

She doesn't notice. 

She looks at Lincoln who narrows his eyes at her, lifting an eyebrow in a threat, but playfully. She smiles innocently back at him. 

And he knows.

She picks up her queen piece and moves it slowly towards its end coordinates. 

"Checkmate," she says as she places it on the board, ignoring the notepad laid out next to the board for that very purpose. 

Lincoln flips his king accepting his defeat and grins back at her. He holds his fist up for a fist bump and says "That was a great game!" when she bumps her fist into his. 

It's only when Clarke leans over to kiss her cheek she realizes that everyone is sitting around the table now, clearly having heard that she just spoke. It wasn't on purpose, it wasn't even a thought. It just sort of flew out of her mouth and the many eyes on her triggers an avalanche of panic rolling up her spine. 

"I love you," Clarke whispers, placing a comforting hand on Lexa's thigh. The softness of Clarke's voice, the warmth from her hand slows down the avalanche and Lexa almost forgets she was about to turn into a mess of anxiety. If it wasn't for all the eyes on her, Clarke would've probably stopped the avalanche completely. 

Then Bellamy, of all people, gives her an out. 

"Lexa. I believe you promised me a life altering performance tonight," he says, stealing everyone's attention and for once Lexa is grateful that Bellamy is an attention magnet. 

She squeezes Clarke's hand once before taking her seat on the piano bench. She runs her eyes slowly along the row of keys thinking that _right here_ is the only place she doesn't mind being the center of attention, that not even Bellamy can take this away from her. 

So she plays.

She woos everyone. 

Bellamy wolf-whistles when she's done and she grins back at him. Despite their unpleasant first meeting, this is something she shares with him. Only him. Clarke loves her and therefore she loves her music, but Bellamy is a classical music nerd in the same sense as herself and she's glad she gave him a second chance. He's earned her forgiveness. 

She seeks Clarke and the pride in Lexa's heart is mirrored in that spark that shines through in Clarke's eyes. She feels invincible and vulnerable at the same time and for a moment she wishes that they were alone, just the two of them, so she could play Clarke's Song for her. 

She will soon. 

*

When Lexa wakes up the next morning Clarke has been awake for a while. Lexa blinks a few times to adjust to the sunlight that forces it's way through the blinds. 

"Hey beautiful," Clarke hums as she runs her fingers through chestnut hair. 

"Sleep," Lexa mumbles into the pillow snuggling closer to Clarke. 

"No." Clarke chuckles. 

"yes." Lexa grumbles. 

"You know, this is the longest vocal conversation we've ever had, right?" Clarke teases as she runs her finger tips down Lexa's back. 

Lexa lifts her head just enough to scold Clarke with one accusing eye. It doesn't have the supposed effect as Clarke starts laughing. Lexa tries to stay mad at her but Clarke's laughter is the kind that dissolves any terrible things weighing ones heart down, it brings sunshine on rainy days and it's the tiny marshmallows in a hot chocolate. Clarke's laughter is that thing that makes Lexa smile even when she's sad. It's like medicine curing the worst of deceases and it's the mortar that fixes the cracks in her heart. 

Lexa sighs, giving in to Clarke's joyful mood. She rolls over onto her back and smiles sleepily at Clarke. Her chestnut hair is splayed all over the place, her green eyes sparkles in the morning light and Clarke runs her finger tips along her jawbone and continues to entangle her fingers in Lexa's hair. 

"It's Sunday," Clarke points out. 

At that, Lexa's smile grows bigger and Clarke leans down to steal a kiss. 

*

Clarke wraps a scarf around Lexa's neck pulling her in for a kiss before wrapping it around her one more time and then Lexa pulls a beanie over Clarke's head, maybe a bit too far, on purpose of course, because she loves Clarke's pouty face, because it's another perfect excuse to be kissing her. 

They walk in peaceful silence, hand in hand, towards the park. Lexa left her notepad at home on purpose and when Clarke found out, she left her sketchbook at home too. 

Today is different somehow. They both feel it. Since their last Sunday tradition walk, Lexa has spoken in front of others twice. Clarke loves watching Lexa grow like this. At her own pace. It's beautiful. 

Clarke stops as they enter the park gate. Lexa looks at her with a questioning look and Clarke answers by pulling her into a hug. For some reason Clarke thinks back on that day she told Lexa about her sleep talking. Come to think of it, Lexa hasn't done that in a long time. 

"Remember that day I told you about your sleep talking?" Clarke says, meeting Lexa's eyes. "It feels like such a long time ago."

Lexa kisses the tip of Clarke's cold nose and nods in agreement. 

"I don't remember the last time you had a nightmare, Lex. I don't even remember the last time _I_ had a nightmare."

It's true. Lexa can't remember either. All she knows is that Clarke loving her is the reason that many great things have happened to her the past couple of months. She doesn't know how to explain that, so she pulls Clarke closer and presses her lips against her forehead and they stay like that until Clarke softly begins to whine about being cold. 

Lexa chuckles as she softly tugs Clarke along the gravel dirt road and into the park. 

It's the end of Fall and most trees are naked now. Today is rare, sunlight bursts through the clouds, bright beams brightening up the world around them and it's almost enough warmth to ignore the chill factor of the biting cold. 

They walk through the park, they walk past Costia's bench and they walk past _their_ bench. Both want to keep walking, too restless to settle on any bench, too driven to continue. 

Lexa is subtle when she starts tugging Clarke towards the ice cream shop and it takes Clarke too long to realize where they're going. 

"Ice cream, Lex? Really? But it's cooold," Clarke whines. Lexa shrugs and gives her that half smile Clarke loves. She agrees with Clarke, though. It _is_ too cold for ice cream right now, but that doesn't mean they can't bring some home for later. 

*

It's dinner time when Anya and Raven comes home.

"Rae..." Anya nudges her head towards to couch as she places the chinese takeout bags on the kitchen table. 

"Shit, they're so cute." Raven smiles looking at the scene in front of her. Empty ice cream containers on the coffee table, some movie playing on the TV and Clarke and Lexa asleep and cuddled up on the couch. Lexa is on her back and Clarke is lying on top of her, her head on Lexa's chest, a blanket over Clarke and Lexa's arms protectively encircling her. 

"Dinner is getting cold.. should we wake them?" Anya asks, hugging Raven from behind. 

"We might as well... Clarke has the night shift, she needs to get up soon anyways," Raven adds. 

As if on cue, Clarke wakes up. She yawns and snuggles closer to Lexa, burying her face in the crook of her neck. Lexa subconsciously hugs Clarke closer. 

Clarke sighs, wishing she didn't have to go to work. She's come to like her Sundays with Lexa quite a lot. 

"I wish I could stay right here," she whispers, like a secret she can't keep any longer or it would explode in her chest. 

She hears someone, Raven and Anya, shuffling about and setting plates on the kitchen table. Clarke sighs again, she knows it means she has to get up soon anyways, so she wakes up Lexa with kisses to her jaw. She watches as a lazy smile spreads on Lexa's lips. 

"Another ten minutes and there will be no food left for you," Raven threatens playfully. 

"Okay..." Clarke reluctantly moves to get up from the couch. 

"No." Lexa says, holding Clarke down.

"Yes." Clarke chuckles as she gets up, laughing when she sees the pout on Lexa's face. "Come on, beautiful, I'll safe you a seat next to me." Clarke steals one last kiss before getting up. 

Then Lexa chuckles too. She gets up to take a seat next to Clarke wishing Clarke didn't have a night shift so they could continue their cuddles later. For now though, she'll take all she can get, placing a hand on Clarke's thigh any chance she gets. 

Lexa smiles at nothing in particular thinking that this weekend has been a really good one, that she could get used to this.


	17. Chapter XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been kind of nice to you the past couple of chapters, haven't I? This chapter is short but it's of big importance. It's another one of my own personal favorite chapters... It was really hard to write and even harder to proofread (I'm not kidding, I had to stop twice to take a break). 
> 
> In my drafts I titled this 'Nine'. If you get the reference before you start reading you know this is going to hurt. Either way... I'm sorry. 
> 
> Just remember it has to hurt to get better. 
> 
> I love all of you <3  
> ~anonbeme
> 
> ps. I haven't forgotten about Abby & Jake. You'll meet them in chapter 18.  
> pps. I haven't forgotten about Clarke's Song either. You'll "hear" it soon enough :)

Lexa has been awake for a while now. She doesn't know for how long exactly, but it feels like forever. It feels like it could've been half a day but it doesn't make sense because it's still dark outside, nearly pitch black from what she can see through the blinds. 

She lies completely still in the darkness afraid that if she moves the tiniest bit she'll break. The silence around her screams at her, the muscles in her body are exhausted from the tension, her heart beats in what feels like an uncontrollable rhythm. 

Her body is uncomfortably numb. 

Her eyes hurt from having stared at the shadows in the ceiling for too long and when it gets too unbearable she instead turns her head to watch the sleeping form of Clarke next to her. It eventually leaves an echo of pain in her heart, rippling through her veins, which is infinitely worse, so she goes back to staring at the ceiling again. 

Today is December 2nd.

Costia's anniversary falls on a Sunday this year. 

Nine years. 

Those are the only thoughts going through her mind and no matter how hard she tries, she can't silence them. 

She blinks a few times finally accepting that she can't fall back asleep. She thinks that maybe breaking isn't the worst that could happen right now, so she dares herself to move, flexing her toes and unclenching her fists. She looks one last time at Clarke, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead before tiptoeing out of their bedroom, slowly and soundlessly closing the bedroom door behind her. 

She feels disoriented walking around the house in the dark like this, sleep-deprived and utterly shattered. 

It's 5am. Or maybe 6am. She stopped glaring at the alarm clock on the bedside table hours ago.

She goes to take a seat at her piano and for a while she just stares at the keys, a row of white and black slim rectangulars. She knows there's a system, she knows it's a long row of eighty-eight keys, but right now they seem randomly spread all over the place and they seem to go on forever in all directions. 

She feels weird. 

Oddly misplaced, firmly anchored. In a mental state that feels foreign to her... or just forgotten, maybe. In a physical space that feels like home, comfortably so. 

There's a corner of her heart that has been hungry since she woke up. 

Like, it suddenly awoke from a deep, deep sleep and craved to be fed, _demanded_ to be fed. 

Like, it only just realized it was supposed to mourn Costia instead of enjoying life with Clarke. 

Lexa hasn't been to Costia's grave since she said goodbye and on this particular day she feels a little guilty about it. 

Wherever Costia is, does she feel abandoned? Lexa doesn't know what's more sad, that she doesn't know the answer or that the answer might be a yes. 

Lexa closes her eyes and inhales some much needed air. It stings in her lungs and it stings her eyes. When she opens them again, her vision is blurry from the tears stubbornly pushing their way into her eyes. She swallows the lump in her throat and places her right hand on the keys. She doesn't need her sight to tell which notes are under her fingertips, her muscles know. 

Softly, she plays the first phrase for _'The Dock Of The Bay'_. She lets the last note ring until the tears start spilling and she uses her free hand to wipe them away. 

She doesn't know that Anya is watching her from the hallway, she doesn't know that Anya has just stopped Clarke from entering the living room. "Let her do this," Anya whispers and Clarke accepts despite the ache in her heart and the lack of air in her lungs. Because Clarke knows Anya is right.

From the living room, Lexa cautiously plays another phrase. The third phrase follows right after and then she slowly builds it up adding soft harmonies to accompany the melody. 

It's beautiful. 

It's painful. 

It's melancholic. 

It's haunting. 

It rips at both Clarke and Anya's heart but most of all it rips Lexa apart. 

Images of Costia's last moments flash before Lexa's eyes and for only a moment it feels like she's back in that hospital room with her, holding her hand, singing to her. 

She keeps playing, forcing all of it out. All of it. All that is weighing her down. 

It's cleansing. 

Her voice is rusty. She hasn't sung in nine years and she can feel the uncomfortable tugging at her vocal chords, she can hear the raw notes not quite in tune. She chokes on words and most of them she just hums.

When the song is over, she's empty. She sits by the piano staring at her fingers as she lifs them off the piano and she turns them over to look at her palms. 

She's calm. No anxiety. No shaking. Just... Calm. 

Her heart aches, but she's calm. 

No more pain over Costia. When she said goodbye to Costia she didn't say goodbye to the pain. But she does now. 

No more pain over Costia. 

She inhales slowly and controlled, drawing air all the way into the smallest corners of her lungs before she gets up and walks back towards her bedroom, back towards Clarke. 

Anya and Clarke are paralyzed in the hallway slowly waiting for Lexa to notice them, holding their breath as they wait for her to lift her gaze to see them. 

It happens in slow-motion. 

When Lexa does lift her eyes, Clarke watches as they widen in surprise. Lexa stops walking and stares at her, both of them. 

There's a split second where Clarke doesn't know what Lexa is going to do. Will she reach out for her or will she retreat into herself. That split second feels like hours. 

There's another split second where Lexa sees the pain in her sister's and in Clarke's eyes. She didn't mean for anyone to witness that scene. She's not broken. She's just... She woke up with a feeling she couldn't describe and she went to the piano to help her figure things out. 

She's okay. 

It hurts but she's okay. 

She spends the next split second walking towards Clarke, cupping her face and pulling her into to a kiss. One of those kisses that tells Clarke that Lexa is still _right here_. 

She then wipes the tears off Clarke's cheeks, giving her one of those half smiles she knows Clarke loves. When Clarke smiles back, Lexa goes to pull Anya into a hug. 

Anya may be the most broken of all three of them. Beautifully broken. It's the kind of broken that happens when you realize your sister, the one person in the world you feel most responsible for, fully responsible for, is finally and fully healed. It's been a long time coming, a time she never dared hope for. 

Nine years. 

Nine years of staying strong for Lexa. 

Nine years worth of tears soaking Lexa's shirt. 

"I love you, sis." Anya chokes out because that's all she has to say. 

"Love you too," Lexa whispers, comforting her older sister for maybe the first time in her life. 

"Does that mean you're ready to talk again?" Anya prays through her tears. 

"No." 

Anya pulls out from the hug and finds Lexa smiling softly at her. 

"I like you better when you don't talk back, anyways," Anya chuckles, playfully narrowing her eyes in an accusing glare, wiping her cheeks one last time. 

Raven emerges from her bedroom with sleepy eyes but a determined mind. "You all look like you could use some bacon and eggs," she says, leaving a kiss on Anya's cheek as she walks by the three of them on her way to the kitchen. 

"Twenty minutes," she smiles as she looks over her shoulder, three women exhaustedly smiling back at her. 

*

"Are you going to visit Costia today?" Anya asks, then sipping her coffee. 

"No." Lexa says thoughtfully. She said her goodbyes already. 

Clarke steals a strip of bacon from her plate, "The park?" 

"No." Lexa shakes her head. She plans on staying right where she is, with her family, for the rest of the day. 

"So... one-cyllable answers is your new thing?" Raven teases her. 

"Yes." Lexa smirks. 

"Well, shoot... I was kinda hoping you could tell me all of Anya's embarrassing childhood stories." Raven feints disappointment. 

Lexa grins back at her. 

It looks like a promise. 

*

The four of them spends the rest of the day watching movies, hanging out. The dark has settled around their house long before Clarke decides she needs to go to bed. She gets up from the couch about to pull Lexa with her but freezes halfway through. 

"Lex!" She squeals. "Look!" 

Lexa follows her gaze towards the piano, no, towards the wall of windows that surround the piano. 

And then she sees them too. 

Snowflakes. 

They're the big and sort of heavy kind that looks like tiny feathers and still falls towards the ground elegantly slow. 

It's the first snow this winter. 

Clarke is grinning like a five year old on Christmas morning when she pulls Lexa up from the couch and towards the windows until they're both standing close enough to fog up the glass with their breath. 

There's something magical about snowflakes. Ever since she was a kid, Clarke has loved snowflakes. They're beautiful in their strong, yet fragile structure and they remind her of Christmas holidays with her family. To Lexa, snowflakes will always be connected to Clarke and their love. 

Clarke snakes an arm around Lexa's waist and Lexa snakes one around Clarke's shoulders and their bodies move in one fluent motion until Clarke is fully encircled by Lexa's arms, her arms around Lexa's waist and her head supported by Lexa's chest. 

Clarke sighs peacefully. 

She can hear Lexa's heart beating and so she moves her head slightly, just enough to press a soft kiss against the spot she knows holds Lexa's snowflake tattoo, before melting back into the comfort that is Lexa. 

Lexa smiles.

She feels Clarke's lips against her tattoo and her heart melts under it. She tugs Clarke a little closer as she looks towards the sky. For a moment in time she wishes it'll never stop snowing. 

"Wanna go to bed?" Clarke asks softly. 

Lexa nods, yawning against golden hair. 

On their way to their bedroom they stop for a moment to appreciate their framed snowflake drawings in the hallway, they share a soft kiss before Lexa tugs Clarke along with her. 

They brush their teeth side by side. They don't do it often, but on days like today where the need to be close speaks louder than anything else, it's something they do with a smile on their lips. Clarke pushes Lexa playfully hip against hip and Lexa pinches Clarke just below her ribs in response causing Clarke's soft laughter to fill the bathroom with Lexa's favorite sound. 

When Lexa undresses them both before going to bed it's not about sexual needs, it's entirely about needing Clarke as close as possible, it's about feeling Clarke in the purest form against her naked skin, it's about being one with Clarke. 

They stand in the darkness of their room, in each other's arms, breathing the same air together. Lexa runs fingertips down Clarke's back and Clarke kisses Lexa's tattoo not for the last time that night. 

They stand like that until Clarke whines about being cold. Lexa chuckles as she pulls Clarke to bed and pulls the sheets over the both of them. 

"Thank you," Lexa whispers, because it's been a long day, because Lexa has had a hard day and because Clarke made it better. 

"You're welcome, Lex," Clarke breathes, placing a soft kiss on Lexa's jaw. 

They fall asleep an entangled mess of limbs, their hearts beating the same rhythm, Lexa feeling reborn, not for the first time since she met Clarke.


	18. Chapter XVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind words on last chapter <3 
> 
> I know it's only been two days, but the last one was short and next week looks busy, so I'm giving you chapter eighteen now. I hope that's alright.
> 
> Enjoy  
> ~anonbeme

"This is Clarke." 

_"Hey honey."_

"Oh, hey mom, what's up?"

_"Well, your dad and I were talking about coming down to visit all of you at some point and... well... Do you have plans for Christmas yet? Would you be interested in us coming down to spend Christmas with you?"_

"Oh, uh, we haven't made any plans yet, but let me run the idea by the others and I'll get back to you? It could be fun." Clarke grins into the phone. 

*

Lexa has just come home, she is now leaning against the wall admiring the beautiful creature that is her girlfriend sitting at the kitchen table, one hand distractedly doodling away in her sketchbook, the other holding her phone to her ear. 

Clarke's hair is up in a lazy ponytail and she's wearing sweatpants and Lexa's green hoodie and two mismatched fluffy socks and it's _so Clarke_ and Lexa wants nothing more than to tackle her with hugs and kisses. 

But for now she lets herself stand in the doorway watching her girlfriend, happily chatting along with someone Lexa suspects is Clarke's mom. They've been talking on the phone a lot lately, catching up. She knows Clarke wishes she could just drive up there, but it's a four hour ride and Clarke is not quite ready for such a long trip, and certainly not a trip up the route on which Clarke's car accident happened. 

Lexa decides to give them some privacy but Clarke catches her eyes before she gets a chance to turn around. Clarke puts down her pencil and gestures for Lexa to come closer, wiggling her fingers towards Lexa. 

"That sounds really nice, mom. I'll let you know when I talk to them, okay?" Clarke says as Lexa grabs her hand. "Bye mom, say hi to dad."

"Girlfriend of mine," Clarke puts the phone down and grins at Lexa as she pulls her in for a kiss, "how was your day?" 

Lexa shrugs. Working at the library has become a boring task she wishes she didn't have to do. She reaches for the notepad to tell Clarke about her day. 

_'Work was boring._  
_Had a late lunch with Niylah, she said we probably won't hear back from the board before January._  
_My day got infinitely better when I came home to you'_

Lexa studies Clarke's drawing while Clarke reads her note. Immediately, she gets lost in it. It's the two of them standing by the windows, Clarke's head on Lexa's chest, Lexa's arms wrapped around Clarke, both looking out of the windows at the falling snowflakes outside. Lexa is always so deeply impressed with how well Clarke manages to capture all their special moments in her drawings and for a moment in time Lexa is back there watching snowflakes with-

"Lex?" Clarke pokes her softly on her hip to get her attention.

Lexa is so lost in the drawing that she has to force her eyes off it to look at Clarke. Only then does she realize that maybe Clarke has been talking to her. The apology in Lexa's wide eyes has Clarke chuckling. 

"That was my mom. She wanted to hear about our Christmas plans and asked if we wanted them to come down to spend Christmas with us, all of us. What do you think?"

It doesn't even matter that Lexa is nervous about meeting Clarke's parents. The hopeful smile on Clarke's lips is all Lexa needs to agree to anything Clarke wants. 

So Lexa grins at her and says "Yes." and Clarke grins back as she says "Yes? Okay, I'll ask the others later."

*

"Clarke?" 

"Yeah Lex?" 

"Do they know?" Lexa whispers carefully. 

"Yeah, don't worry, nobody cares if you use your notepad."

Lexa nods against Clarke's neck, pressing her lips against the naked skin there. She's gotten comfortable using short sentences around Clarke, mostly still only one word around everyone else. With the prospect of meeting Clarke's parents for the first time tomorrow she just doesn't know if she'll be comfortable enough to speak at all. 

"Really, Lex, don't worry. They're gonna love you." Clarke says as she twists in Lexa's arms. She reaches up to cup Lexa's cheek. "I love you and you love me, and so they'll love you too. Notepad or not." 

Lexa sighs and relaxes under Clarke's touch and Clarke leans in to kiss her softly. Her eyes flutter shut in the dark right before Clarke whispers, "Goodnight, Lex."

*

Abby and Jake Griffin arrives early on the 24th. They're nearly crying on the doorstep when Clarke and Raven greets them with big grins on their faces and long awaited hugs. Anya and Lexa are standing a few steps away watching the reunion with smiles on their faces. Clarke has Abby's smile and Jake's eyes and Lexa feels an immense gratitude towards these two people for raising someone like Clarke. 

Jake is the first to greet the sisters. His smile is bright and proud as he shakes their hands. Abby pulls them into a hug and Clarke sends Lexa a reassuring smile over Abby's shoulder, something that doesn't go unnoticed by Jake. 

They love the house and they don't mind the limited space of the guest room and Jake swoons over the piano demanding that "no one gets food or presents before someone plays for me." 

"Jake..." Abby sighs. 

"What honey?" Jake looks at his wife with innocent eyes. Abby rolls her eyes before sharing a soft smile with her husband. 

"If you want to make him happy, his favorite is Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I know you know that one." Clarke whispers to Lexa. 

While Abby, Raven and Anya are in the kitchen cooking their Christmas dinner and Clarke and Jake decorates the Christmas tree, Lexa slides in behind the piano and plays Jake's favorite. She smiles his way when the song ends. 

"Thank you Lexa," he says, joy on his lips and awe in his eyes. "That's my favorite classical piece but I've got a feeling you already knew that." He looks at his daughter who shrugs at his accusation. 

"I don't know what you're talking about," Clarke says, wearing those same innocent eyes Jake had earlier. Lexa knows that smile because it's _so Clarke_ , because it's not innocent at all. It's like a kid trying to hide they didn't just break a vase playing soccer indoors. Clarke usually wears that smile when she's having dirty thoughts involving Lexa but won't admit it. But Lexa knows. 

"Feel free to play anything you want anytime you want while I'm here," he says smiling at Lexa.

Lexa nods at him as she gets up to join the father and the daughter decorating the Christmas tree. 

*

They don't ask the usual questions because Clarke has already told them about Lexa and Anya. Instead, Abby takes a seat next to Lexa by the coffee table and says, "I think it's admirable that you want to help children get a better start in life. Also, I'm forever grateful that you've helped Clarke move forward." Abby looks at her with a care only a concerned parent is able to and Lexa feels humbled and slightly flushed by the compliments. Clarke was right. There was no reason to feel nervous about meeting them. They've done nothing but make her feel comfortable. Proud even. 

"She helped me too." Lexa surprises herself by speaking in front of Abby. It's nerve-racking in that way Lexa assumes jumping out of an airplane alone with only a parachute on her back would feel like. 

Free-falling. 

Maybe the parachute is broken. 

Maybe she won't pull the handle in time. 

Maybe she'll break her legs trying to land steadily on the ground. 

Maybe it's going to be the best damn adrenaline rush of her life. 

Her eyes immediately seek the strength in Clarke's eyes and Clarke is already there looking at her, ready to catch her when she comes tumbling down towards the ground. 

Clarke is safe landing. 

Clarke reassures her with a soft smile and Lexa can't help the half smile she returns to Clarke. They don't notice, but both Abby and Jake looks at both at them before finding each other in a similar smile. "I see now where Clarke has the sappy smiling from," Anya whispers to Raven who snorts trying to hold back laughter. 

*

"Clarke," Lexa whispers, tugging at her sleeve to get her attention, only hers. 

Lexa has spent most of the evening contemplating doing this now, tomorrow along with her other present or waiting for Clarke's birthday in January. But tonight, a rush of bravery has been running through her veins and the burning sensation tells her it's now or never. 

It's important to Lexa. Because Clarke deserves only the best. 

"Mh, yeah?" Clarke looks at her. 

"Merry Christmas." Lexa pulls a small present out from behind her back and gives it to Clarke.

"Oh, uh, what's this?"

Lexa smiles, biting her lip nervously, waiting for Clarke to unwrap. 

It's flat and in the shape of one of Lexa's small notepads and when Clarke unwraps it she chuckles, because yeah, it _is_ a notepad. She flips it over and reads the two words in Lexa's handwriting. 

_'Clarke's Song'_

The words are surrounded by tiny mutated stick man snowflakes, just like that first one that hangs in a frame out in the hallway. 

"Wait... Is this... Did you write me a song?" Clarke looks at her with unsure eyes. When Lexa nods, Clarke's eyes soften. 

Lexa nudges her head softly towards the couch area where everyone else is sitting, gesturing for Clarke to take a seat. 

Clarke cups her cheek and leans up to kiss her softly. "I love you," she says earning another kiss from Lexa.

Clarke takes a seat next to her dad facing the piano, clutching the notepad in her hands like it was her most priced possession. She watches Lexa take a seat by the piano stretching her hands and fingers a few times. 

Lexa moves her hands over the keys and she plays a snippet of a melody, softly, the last note hangs in the air around her when she looks at Clarke. She can see the remembrance in her eyes. It's the first snippet of melody she made Clarke play that day in the Kids Center. 

Lexa doesn't know this but Clarke sometimes plays that snippet by the piano when she's home alone. Because it reminds her of Lexa, because the snippet vibrates through her veins and it feels like home. 

Clarke thinks it sounds like snowflakes floating softly through the crisp winter air. It's what she sees when she closes her eyes and if she pretends to lift her head to look upwards, she can almost feel the cool tingling when they land on her nose and cheeks and melts into water drops on her skin. 

She can almost feel the inevitable grin taking over her face. 

She can almost feel Lexa's soft kisses traveling down her neck, fingertips sliding down her back, barely touching her skin but surely enough touching her heart, melting it even. 

Lexa plays the snippet again letting the pedal hold every note in a combined harmonized cluster and Clarke can feel it vibrating under her skin. 

Lexa plays the snippet one more time and this time it evolves into echoes of similar snippets that follows after each other like pearls on a string and it slowly grows in volume, into bigger, more intricate harmonies. 

Clarke watches Lexa's arms move like waves and her fingers steadily running along the keys. She can basically see the music grow by the way Lexa's posture changes from small and fragile to powerfully owning the space around her as the song evolves. 

Clarke can't explain the feelings that grow in her stomach, the ones that take over her body and settles in her heart. She thinks it's not unlike the feelings she has for Lexa. They're hard to put into words too. She does her best to make her drawings explain them. She thinks that maybe that's what Lexa is doing too, writing music. 

Lexa ends the song in a crashing crescendo slowly being overtaken by a few soft echoes of what seems to be the theme melody of Clarke's song, the snippet that sounds like snowflakes. 

There's a moment of silence where Lexa only hears her own heart beat, erratically beating against her ribcage. 

Then her audience breaks into cheers and someone whistles and Lexa needs a moment before she's able to stand from the piano. When she does, Clarke is already by her side pulling her into a hug and she tells herself that she can feel Clarke's heart beating furiatingly fast too. 

Clarke doesnt let go of her any time soon and Lexa wishes, just for the briefest of moments, that they were alone because she craves to kiss Clarke inappropriately. Clarke kisses her, though. Softly. Firmly. A hand pulling her closer by her neck. "Thank you, Lex. It's beautiful. I can't believe you wrote me a song!" 

When Lexa meets her eyes she realizes that Clarke is crying, just a few slender teardrops sliding down her cheek. She can tell by Clarke's smile that they're happy tears. She thumbs them away and steals another kiss off her lips, both hands cupping Clarke's cheeks. 

"Get a room," Raven yells, her voice clearly laced with soft emotion too. 

"Shut up, Rae!" Clarke talks back, still smiling at Lexa and by all means ignoring everything else. 

*

Everyone has gone to bed and Lexa's head has barely hit her pillow before Clarke straddles her, her fingers softly scratching down Lexa's stomach eliciting a shaky breath from Lexa's lips. 

The moon seems to shine a shade brighter tonight because Clarke's hair is more golden than usual and her blue oceans shimmer more than ever before. 

Clarke pulls off her own tank top and throws it carelessly on the floor somewhere. She smirks softly as Lexa straightens up to meet her lips. Lips are nipped at and tongues are teasing and when Clarke entangles her fingers in Lexa's hair, purposefully scratching her scalp, Lexa flips Clarke over in one swift motion. 

She kisses Clarke's scar first. 

Clarke pulls Lexa's face up to meet her own, her legs still wrapped around Lexa's waist. 

"Merry Christmas, girlfriend of mine," Clarke husks and Lexa answers by pulling off her own tank top too. 

Clarke runs an index finger over Lexa's tattoo, biting her lip thoughtfully. "I'm kinda jealous of this. Your song reminds me of snowflakes." 

Lexa knows Clarke is not a tattoo person which is why she had a jeweler make a one of a kind necklace with a snowflake pendant made in white gold with a tiny blue stone in the middle. The snowflake itself is about the same size as her tattoo. That's her real Christmas present for Clarke come Christmas morning. 

" _Your_ song," Lexa corrects her. 

"Mh, yeah, _my_ song," Clarke agrees with a warm bright smile, shining like the sun. She still can't believe that Lexa wrote her a song. It's the most beautiful, most thoughtful, most important present anyone has ever given her. 

Nothing compares.

Not even the present she has for Lexa. She's not easy to buy presents for because Lexa is the kind of person that only ever wants people's approval and recognition. She's the sentimental kind that doesn't care about material things. She's the kind that only needs Clarke and her music and her family. And so Clarke has been racking her brain for the perfect gift for Lexa. Because Lexa deserves only the best. 

It's not more than four days ago that Niylah helped her find it. Clarke had asked her to keep it a secret from Lexa if the board approved their proposition before Christmas. So Clarke had taken the formal letter from the board and it's now placed under the Christmas tree waiting for Lexa to find it. Clarke hasn't read it herself because Lexa should be the first one to do so, but Niylah promised it was good news. 

Clarke got her a blue hoodie too, because she's taken over Lexa's green one. It's sappy and silly and Lexa is going to love it. 

But that's tomorrow. 

Right now she wants to kiss that million dollar grin right off Lexa's lips. 

So she does. 

She leaves soft snowflakes along Lexa's neck and then Lexa leaves burning fireworks down Clarke's stomach. 

She begs Lexa to undress her, flushed and out of breath. 

She entangles her fingers in Lexa's hair, eagerly holding on with her last bit of strength, anticipating the free-fall to come fully aware that Lexa will catch her when she falls. 

Just like she makes sure to always catch Lexa too.


	19. Chapter XIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be pathetic for a second here and say that I'm a bit melancholic about posting this chapter. It was originally meant to be the last chapter. I'm jumping a little in time, because I (originally) wanted to finish the story by holding it up against the beginning (you'll know what I'm talking about when you read it... I hope). 
> 
> Then someone said something that triggered my inspiration and thus four more chapters happened. Therefore, the way chapter nineteen has been written may seem a bit off, but no matter what I try it seems to be stuck in its present form. 
> 
> So forgive me for a clumsy first half chapter. I hope to make it up to you with the next chapter (twenty) sometime next week. It's another of my favorites and its 6k words... 
> 
> Also, I might disappoint a few of you because I didn't write Christmas day. So... just know that Clarke gasped in surprise when she saw her snowflake necklace and Lexa kissed it before they went to bed, but not before Clarke made her play her song for her again. You're welcome to make up the rest as you please and please do share it with me :) 
> 
> More importantly, I really do appreciate all your nice comments and kudos. Just know that it's a hundred percent your 'fault' that the sequel happened. This is my heartfelt kudo to each and everyone of you <3
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

Clarke pulls on Lexa's green hoodie and a pair of mismatched fluffy socks, they're grey and pink today, and she walks sleepily down the hall and into the big open living room where she knows she'll find Lexa. She had the night shift at the hospital, came home in the early morning hours while it was still dark and kissed Lexa softly on her shoulder before drifting off to sleep next to her. 

It's now well past lunch and her stomach growls like a lion as she walks up behind Lexa who's sitting at the piano preparing piano lessons for the children at the Kids Center. 

"Is there room for one more on this bench?" Clarke says, nostalgia pumping her veins warm and fuzzy, as she wraps her sleepy arms around Lexa's waist and snuggles her nose into the crook of Lexa's neck without waiting for an answer. Even during Winter Lexa smells of a summer breeze and Clarke is infatuated by it. 

It's not just Clarke that feels the nostalgia, Lexa does too. "Always," she says as she twists to snake an arm around Clarke's waist to pull her onto the piano bench next to her. Their bodies are facing opposite directions but their eyes find each other like gravity. Like magnets. Like destiny. Like soulmates, if there's ever such a thing. 

As if the energy that grows in their eyes is the very essence of what life is about. 

Lexa leans in to capture Clarke's lips in a slow kiss, craving the taste and the warmth that spills from them. "Happy Birthday." she murmurs against Clarke's lips, an arm still around her waist. Clarke grins blissfully, still dizzy from the limited sleep after a night shift, her hair roaming free into every possible direction around her head. Lexa loves this Clarke. The morning Clarke, the happy Clarke and the one excitedly awaiting whatever surprise Lexa has prepared for her. 

"So... What's the plan, Lex?" 

Clarke steals a kiss. 

"Lunch." Lexa says matter-of-factly when Clarke's stomach growls again. 

"Mh, fair enough... and then?" Clarke raises a hopeful eyebrow. 

Lexa grins at her, then shrugs not willing to give away any secret she might have. 

Today is January 6th and it's Lexa's birthday on the 10th. When Clarke had asked Lexa what she wanted to do for her birthday Anya had laughed long and hard because Lexa doesn't celebrate her birthday. In fact, she upright refuses. Clarke had frowned at them and Lexa told her that celebrating Clarke's birthday on the 6th would be the best birthday present Clarke could ever give her. 

Because Lexa lives to make Clarke happy.

Because growing up as a child of Indra and Gustus Woods meant getting overly expensive presents as to make up for always working too much. Anya accepted them happily saying she might as well get _something_ out of it but Lexa has been refusing to accept birthday presents ever since she became of legal age. 

Anya has been giving her sister time instead. Dinners, mostly, and movie nights. If Anya must be honest, she has enjoyed celebrating Lexa's birthday this way and she won't deny that Lexa's principles actually make sense. It makes up for the weak family bond between her and her parents.

And so this year, Lexa is taking Clarke to the concert hall again, this time without stealing any of her senses. She's insisting on treating Clarke like a queen and Clarke will let her because she likes it when Lexa spoils her. 

As for Lexa's birthday, Clarke accepts that she doesn't want any presents but she refuses to not at least celebrate it, so she invites Indra and Gustus over for dinner. Anya and Raven are there too, of course, and Anya smirks at her little sister the second their parents enter the house because Lexa has never had a poker face, well, not a believable one, and she's clearly excited to see them. A proper family dinner on her birthday, she can't remember the last time that's happened. 

Even Anya is enjoying having them around now. 

Who would've thought. 

*

Lexa uses her voice more often now, but still only using a few words at a time. To describe complicated things and such, she still uses her notepad. If you ask her she'd tell you that she doesn't expect it to change because she's finally in a good place. It might be unconventional but it works. 

Apart from that one time on Costia's anniversary, she still doesn't sing. Between the selective spoken words, her piano music and the delicate body language she's developed with Clarke, she doesn't need another language to express herself. 

She's slowly getting more confident with her sign language. Clarke sometimes uses her lunch break to visit Lexa in the Kids Center and she'll often find her talking to the children either with her short sentences or her sign language. It melts Clarke's heart to witness the bright smiles on the children's faces. 

They _adore_ Lexa. 

Lexa adores them too. 

Lexa tells Clarke stories about her day. They're written in Lexa's neat handwriting in her big notebook where she keeps all her memories, the good ones. She started writing again after Costia's anniversary and Clarke thinks it means that Lexa is finally done mourning. 

The memories in her notebook always begin with the word _Love_ because she writes them for Clarke and they explain how the children teaches her new words or how they beam with pride when they play a song on the piano without mistakes receiving an even more so proud smile from Lexa. Clarke usually lies on the couch reading Lexa's latest anecdotes while Lexa is playing the piano. 

Clarke loves the pride in Lexa's eyes that seems to grow every day now. 

Lexa doesn't work at the library anymore, instead she's fully focusing on the Kids Center. Niylah is not only a great co-worker but also one of Lexa's best friends. They go to late lunches once in a while, talking about life and such, and they sometimes ask Clarke to join them but Clarke wants their lunches to be Lexa's thing. 

Instead Clarke enjoys Niylah's company at their dinner parties. She was right back then, that Niylah would fit well into the group. She's terrible at chess but she beats Bellamy in Trivial Pursuit and that's an impressive feat no one is able to deny her. Bellamy is a sore loser, always has been, but it seems he doesn't mind it when he loses to Niylah. Her jokes are terrible too but Bellamy smiles at her with affection every time she tells one, and while Clarke is happy that Bellamy has finally found someone else, someone _better suited for him_ to cast his love on, Lexa is just happy to witness the love that slowly grows between two of her best friends. 

Who would've thought. 

*

Clarke wakes up the morning of February 5th. She has the day off, she always has this day off. 

It's Finn's anniversary. 

She usually doesn't sleep the night before and then she'll visit him at the graveyard beating herself down over her lost love and how unfair the world is having taken him from her, busting Raven's leg and then leaving herself with just a superficial scar on her chest as a bittersweet souvenir. 

This year is different. 

It's _their_ anniversary too. Kind of. A year ago Clarke went to visit Finn and she felt alone and depressed and scared when she walked through the park on her way home. She still doesn't know what made her do it, but it hasn't been a day ever since that she didn't feel grateful that she sat down next to the stranger on a bench. 

One year. 

Lexa has let go of Costia completely and lately, Clarke has been wondering if she needs to let Finn go too. So today she goes to the graveyard alone, picking up two daffodils on her way, hoping to find some closure in this. As she places a daffodil on his grave she realizes she isn't sad about it. Not anymore. A year ago she was devastated, but today she realizes she has stopped mourning Finn. 

It's a very simple thing. She looks at the grave and doesn't feel bad. No sadness, no pain, no anxiety. She feels alright and so instead she looks to the Skies. She feels the soft snowflakes melt on her cheeks and she smiles against them thinking about how everything is relative, marveling at the realization that _this day_ has been the worst of all days for three years and from now on it'll have a completely different meaning to her. _This day_ will more than anything else be important to her because it's the anniversary of meeting Lexa for the first time. 

She walks by Costia's grave on her way home, leaving a daffodil there too. "Costia, Lexa is growing into an amazing, strong woman. Thank you for loving her," she says before leaving the graveyard. 

She smiles at nothing in particular as she walks towards the park where she'll be meeting the love of her life. 

Who would've thought. 

*

"Is there room for one more on this bench?" Clarke says, taking a seat next to Lexa. 

Lexa is hiding under a beanie and a scarf and Clarke chuckles as Lexa raises an eyebrow at her, it's all she can see. 

"What... Is it getting old?" Clarke lifts her eyebrows with her question. 

Lexa shakes her head, simultaneously breaking free from her scarf and she grins as she leans in to steal a kiss from Clarke's lips. Clarke leans into the kiss because Lexa's lips are much warmer than hers right now. Lexa doesn't mind one bit. Clarke sighs as she finds Lexa's green eyes. 

"Can you believe it? One year ago..." Clarke doesn't finish that sentence, she doesn't need to. Lexa can't believe it either and the look in her eyes speaks her answer more clearly than any words put together. 

They sit and watch the snowflakes in the air around them for a while. Lexa could sit here forever but she knows it won't be long until Clarke starts whining about being cold, so she gets up from her seat pulling Clarke up with her. 

Before they begin their walk home, Clarke takes a photo of the bench with her phone. It's been snowing quite heavily the past half hour and there's clear evidence of two persons having sat on it, quite closely together. She thinks it could make a good drawing. She snaps a photo of Lexa too, snowflakes covering her beanie, and Lexa insist that they at least make one selfie together. It's a good one and Lexa makes a mental note to have it framed soon too. 

Once home, Lexa makes them tea and finds them a movie to watch and Clarke joins her a couple of minutes later, in her mismatched fluffy socks and a present in her hands. 

"So... I've got a surprise for you and its not your birthday so you _will_ accept it," Clarke says as she takes a seat next to Lexa on the couch. Lexa can sense that Clarke is a bit nervous about it, that it means a great deal to her, so the first thing she does is reach up to push a few loose golden strands of hair behind Clarke's ear. She then snakes her fingers behind Clarke's neck and pulls her in for a kiss. It's an unspoken _'thank you'_ lingering in the space between them before Lexa looks back at the present in her lap. 

Lexa carefully pulls off the wrapping paper to reveal a book, heavy in her hands, maybe three inches thick and with a beautifully detailed cover. It's one of those old-looking brown leathery kind of covers. Lexa runs her fingers down the cover, there's a pattern in a darker brown shade and she knows that Clarke made it because it's her snowflake. Lexa knows even before opening it that she'll find an ocean of priceless, unique things inside. 

She opens the book and realizes it's not so much a book as it's more of a photo album in which Clarke has collected a fair amount of her drawings, each page in the book heavy with meaning and stories. They're all dated and they all have a title and a description. 

_Strangers On A Bench_  
_February 5th - The day we first met_  
The first drawing is the one Clarke drew that first day in the park, the one that broke Lexa when she saw it the second time they met in the coffee shop. 

_Lexa_  
_February 9th - The day she told me her name._  
Lexa opens her mouth slightly in surprise as she sees the next drawing. She hasn't seen this one before. It's nearly finished, not entirely, and the description tells Lexa that Clarke was drawing her that second time they met. She doesn't know why, but her heart starts beating faster thinking about it. She slowly turns to the next page. 

 

_Seasons Of Disaster_  
_March 4th - The day Lexa made a mutated stick man version of Clarke's Seasons which is currently framed in the hallway of our house._  
Lexa remembers that day like it was yesterday. It's the day she got a panic attack in Clarke's living room and ended up sleeping on Clarke's couch, in Clarke's arms. Its the day she realized that Clarke was more than just a friend. 

"Clarke..." Lexa breathes. There are a lot more drawings in this book, of them, of her parents, of Clarke's parents, of Anya and Raven, of things that hold sentimental value to both of them but Lexa won't see them until later. 

She's stunned. 

So much that she closes the book and leaves it on the coffee table. 

So much that the vulnerability, the intensity in her eyes leaves Clarke breathless when she looks at her. 

Lexa wants to say _'thank you'_ and _it's the best present someone has ever given me'_ and _'I can't believe you made this for me'_ and a million other things she wouldn't know how to form into sentences. 

The truth is, that it's such a beautiful thing that it's actually breaking Lexa's heart. It's a gesture that tells her that maybe Clarke _does_ love her as much as she loves Clarke, that Clarke making her this is equivalent to Lexa writing Clarke's Song. 

But she doesn't know how to explain it. 

Instead she looks at Clarke, just... looks at her, and it may have been ten seconds or perhaps five minutes, Lexa doesn't understand time in this moment. Clarke grows insecure under Lexa's gaze. Was it too much or not enough. Does she hate it. Why isn't she responding. At all. 

"I wanted to show you what you mean to me. These are the things I can't explain." Clarke blurts out, suddenly unusually self-conscious, insecure even, and the last word has barely left her lips before Lexa crashes into them. 

Because gravity. 

It's Lexa giving Clarke all the things she can't explain and Clarke swallowing it eagerly, desperate for the recognition. 

There's a taste of salt on their lips but it doesn't matter because the place Lexa has in her heart for Clarke grows bigger every day. Eight years of barely living somehow seems like it was supposed to happen because it brought her Clarke. 

Who would've thought. 

And Clarke? The emotions she had to shut out to be able to deal with life are now emotions she never wants to miss out on ever again. She craves them, needs them like a junkie needs a fix, like the earth needs the sunlight, water and air. They're what spurs her on to seek new things in life, a life she wants to spend with Lexa. 

Lexa taught her that this is what makes her feel alive. Lexa. 

Who would've thought.


	20. Chapter XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been looking forward to share this chapter with you. It's +6k words but I didn't have the heart to split it in two.  
> I won't say much else, except for thank you for keep reading and commenting. You're all pretty awesome :)
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme
> 
> ps. If you haven't noticed, but wish you had, I've shared the first chapter of my new fic [Them Troublemakers](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10079849/chapters/22464479). I can't wait to share that journey with you too <3

Lexa has never been sentimental about anniversaries. She doesn't celebrate her birthday and the one anniversary that ever did hold meaning to her was of the devastating kind, the day Costia was no more. It was the one day each year she ceremoniously let memories of a specific event consume her, like a compulsion she never were able to shake off. 

Until Clarke. 

February 5th is a day of utmost importance to Lexa because that's the day she met Clarke. It's been a bumpy ride, one that eventually put back together the pieces of her shattered heart, one she wouldn't trade for anything.

May 5th is another milestone Lexa wants to always bring attention to because it's the day she finally stopped fighting the past and gave Clarke her heart, it's the day of their first kiss. May 5th is in two months and Lexa is planning something special for Clarke on that day because she has something important she wants to ask her. 

"So, are we going inside or what?" Anya says, leaning up against the shop window, her arms folded over her chest. When Lexa looks at her she's met with Anya's lifted eyebrow; that impatient one she only ever uses around her. Maybe it's a big sister thing, she's not sure, maybe it's a little sister thing that makes her immune towards it because she really doesn't care. 

Looking back at the display of rings in front of her, there's one in particular that keeps calling for her attention. It's a simple white gold ring with a tiny green stone carved into it. She knows Clarke doesn't want extravagant and big, but she thinks the green stone is symbolic because she knows Clarke loves her eye color. 

"Sis!" The impatient one whines. 

Lexa nods, mostly to herself, because yeah she wants that one. They walk inside and Lexa pulls out her notepad but Anya interrupts her. "She wants to see the ring with the green stone from the window display." Lexa glares at Anya who gives her the big sister knows best look in return. 

"I'll see what I can do." The man behind the counter smiles at both of them before picking up the ring Lexa wants. He hands it to her and she carefully takes it with two fingers, thumb and index, holding it up to study it against the bright shop light. 

"She'll love it," Anya says sneaking a peek over Lexa's shoulder. Lexa knows she will, but Anya's approval means a lot to her so she smiles back at Anya nodding her agreement. 

"When?" Anya asks. 

"May Fifth."

"That's in two months... Why the fifth?"

Lexa smiles inwardly not planning on explaining Anya what the date means. 

"Oookaaay... May Fifth. How?"

Lexa shrugs. She doesn't know yet. She only knows she'll ask her with actual words coming out of her mouth and that she'll make sure Clarke gets a special day she won't forget anytime soon.

"What? You're just gonna wing it?" Anya looks at her with a raised eyebrow. 

"No." 

"You're frustrating, you know that?" The impatient one says. 

Lexa shrugs again, her little sister grin in place. 

"Do you at least know where?"

"The park."

"Well, that makes sense," Anya nods. 

It does, Lexa thinks, because that's where they met and it's been a consistent partner in crime in the development of their relationship. They often walk by this secluded corner of the park where there's an old stone gazebo hidden between low hanging trees, and if the weather allows it they sometimes sit there to eat lunch. Lexa has noticed that Clarke often uses it in her drawings from the park and she likes to imagine Clarke immortalizing her proposal in _this place_ in her sketchbook. Lexa herself wouldn't mind adding that particular one to the book Clarke gave her last month. 

"Let me know if there's anything I can help you with?" Anya says as they leave the shop. 

Lexa runs her thumb over the royal blue velvet box getting used to the weight of it in her hand. Then she hands it to Anya. 

"Oh, you want me to hide it from Clarke?"

Lexa nods. 

She also makes Anya promise not to tell Raven anything because she doesn't want Clarke to be the only one out of the loop. 

*

"Hey, you're awake. I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Clarke whispers as she snuggles closer to Lexa. 

"No," Lexa whispers against her lips. She's been busy smiling like an idiot thinking about the tiny box in Anya's possession but she can't tell Clarke that. 

"You oka--"

Lexa surges forward swallowing the rest of Clarke's words in a kiss that makes Clarke forget how tired she is after her twelve hour shift. She straddles Clarke without breaking the kiss and Clarke's hands slide under Lexa's tank top like so many times before. 

As Lexa feels Clarke's nails scrape torturously slow down her spine, she wonders if it would feel any different under the weight of a ring, if maybe it would make this any more intense than it already is. 

She wonders if the warmth from kissing Clarke's scar would linger on her lips for longer. 

Or when Clarke entangles her fingers in Lexa's hair, tugging harder than usual, encouraging Lexa to leave a love bite on the inside of her thigh, would the weight of the ring make it hurt less? Or more? Or just... better? 

Would the ring make Clarke say her name differently? 

Would the ring perhaps make the stars behind her eyelids shine brighter, longer? 

Would it make her music sound better? 

*

Six weeks to go and Lexa walks through the house with a secretive smile on her lips. She takes a seat next to Clarke by the high kitchen table leaning in to place a happy kiss on her cheek. 

"Love you," she grins. 

"Love you too," Clarke hums, her eyes glued to the sketchbook in front of her. 

Lexa recognizes the early strikes that eventually will turn into _the gazebo_ and her mind immediately conjures up images of Clarke sitting right here, sketching masterpieces in the golden evening light with a ring on her finger. 

Lexa is certain that this world doesn't hold a woman more beautiful than Clarke. She is also certain that Clarke grows more beautiful every day. She wonders if a ring on her finger will double her beauty. It's more like tenfold, she decides. She swivels once on the high chair grinning like an idiot, still stuck in her daydream. 

"Why are you being weird?" Clarke puts down her pencil and turns to face Lexa. 

"Because you," Lexa says and she watches Clarke struggle between smiling like a lovestruck teenager and trying to hide it behind a suspicious glare. 

"What are you up to, girlfriend of mine," Clarke wonders out loud. 

Lexa's mind is its own boss today. It hears the word _girlfriend_ and imagines how it'll sound like saying fiancée or maybe even wife. It's a thought that both excites her and scares her, because she's ninety-nine percent sure Clarke will say yes, but that one last percent is really loud sometimes. Mostly though, Lexa wishes May Fifth would come sooner so she can trade her daydreams with real life and a ring on Clarke's finger. 

"Jesus... You're not even listening, are you," Clarke raises an eyebrow. 

Lexa shakes her head, still grinning. 

"You're up to something, I can tell," Clarke says. 

Lexa shrugs as if saying _'maybe'_ because she's a terrible liar and it's vague enough. Clarke scrunches one eye, sizing her up. She slides off her chair, all smirks and seductive eyes as she gently squeezes herself between Lexa's thighs. Lexa's mind is imagining a future Clarke saying, _"Tell me, wifey,"_ and her jaw falls slack as Clarke grabs her by the neck pulling her into a kiss. She almost forgets to kiss her back, only brought back to _this world_ by the moan escaping her own throat. When Lexa pulls at Clarke's shirt and bites gently on her lower lip, Clarke pushes Lexa back, clearly flustered by the intensity. 

"Okay, I _was_ going to play dirty and trick you into telling me whatever you're hiding, but I kinda don't care right now." Clarke says, a bit aloof and slightly out of breath.

Lexa smirks cockily at Clarke who rolls her eyes at her before pulling a beaming Lexa to the bedroom. 

*

Four weeks to go and Lexa is facing maybe the hardest part of this plan of hers. 

She kisses Clarke goodbye before the sun gets up and leaves one of her _'Love, I'll be home before dinner'_ notes on her pillow hoping Clarke won't start digging into the cover up story she and Anya has constructed. 

Five hours later she tells Mitchell to wait in the car as she goes to knock on Abby and Jake's front door. Lexa is nervous, like, sweaty palms and a dry throat nervous as she waits anxiously for _someone_ to open the door. Did she get the date wrong? 

The door swings open and Jake attacks her with a brilliant smile and one of his bear hugs. 

"Jake... At least let the poor girl come inside before you tackle her," Abby scolds him. 

"Alright alright," he says, letting her go. Lexa can't help the smile that grows on her lips. It's really good to see both of them again. 

"So... To what do we owe this pleasure?" Jake says as they take a seat in the living room. 

Lexa spent the entire car ride up here planning what she wanted to say. She thought about making it short and quick, using her voice. She thought maybe she needed a backup plan in case she got too nervous, so she wrote a page long letter that she ended up tearing to pieces. 

Lexa is not good with words, not vocally, not written. If there was a way to play it out on the piano she would've. But no.

She looks at Jake, then at Abby. She opens her mouth wanting to say _'I love Clarke and I want to make her as happy as she makes me for the rest of my life'_ but nothing comes out. 

She expected this to happen. 

That's why she also had a second backup plan. Plan C. 

She pulls the royal blue velvet box from her pocket and runs her thumb across it once before opening it. She then places it on the coffee table so Abby and Jake can see the content. She watches as they look at it, eyes wide and for so, so long, way too long for Lexa's poor heart to handle. 

Then Abby squeals. 

She _squals_ and Jake's brilliant grin morphs into diamonds on a string. 

"Can I hug her _now_?" Jake asks his wife. 

"After me!" Abby pulls Lexa to her feet and into a hug. Lexa _swears_ Abby is sobbing but it doesn't matter because Jake is hugging them both now and it feels almost like home, only missing Clarke to make it perfect. 

When Abby wipes Lexa's cheeks she realizes she's crying a little too. 

"What is it with you women and crying all the time," Jake says. 

"Oh shut up Jake, go make us some tea and be nice," Abby scolds him through her smile. Lexa thinks maybe she sees him wipe his cheeks too as he walks past her towards the kitchen. 

"It's a beautiful ring, Lexa. Clarke likes simple things, she's gonna love it." Abby says, picking it up to study it better. 

Lexa still hasn't said a word and for some odd reason she doesn't feel bad about it. This went a lot better than she thought it would. 

"So, Lexa," Jake says as he comes back with three cups of tea. "When are you... popping the question, as they say?" 

"May Fifth." There it is, her voice. 

"Special date? Anniversary?" Abby asks. 

Lexa nods. 

"You have it all planned out?" Jake asks. 

Lexa shakes her head. 

"Don't worry, Lexa," Abby says, "I know my daughter and while she loves surprises she's not much for grand gestures. You could just flash that ring like you did for us and she'll know. I don't doubt she'll say yes."

"I agree," Jake says. 

Lexa nods timidly. She never did ask them for their blessing but by the looks of it she doesn't have to. 

*

Three weeks to go and luckily Clarke is not home. 

"Uh, I found this on the top shelf in the closet and judging by the design I'm guessing it's not yours, but I need to make sure." Raven mumbles as she places the royal blue velvet box in front of Anya. 

"How did you--"

"Anya!"

"It's not mine, Rae." Anya says, watching her girlfriend struggle with something, not quite understanding what it's about. 

"Whose is it?" 

Anya can't decide if Raven is angry because she's keeping a secret from her or if she's hurt because she thinks she's lying. She bites her lip thoughtfully. She promised Lexa not to tell Raven. She promised Raven to never lie to her or keep secrets from her. 

"Anya..." Raven pleads and then Anya knows that Raven's trust issues are making her insecure, and it's breaking her heart. Just then Lexa walks into the kitchen and stops midway when she sees the familiar box on the table. 

"I'm holding-- It's not--" Anya stutters. She doesn't know how to fix this. If she keeps her promise to Lexa she'll hurt Raven and vice versa. 

Lexa realizes what's going on. Anya only ever looks this broken when she did something to hurt Raven and she doesn't want to be the reason that any of them is hurting, so she comes clean. 

"It's mine," Lexa says taking a seat next to Anya. She reaches for the notepad to better explain herself. 

"What?" Raven whispers, confusion painted in her eyes. 

_'I made Anya promise not to tell you. Not to keep it from you, but because I want Clarke to have her best friend on her side - hopefully oblivious like her - when I do ask her. I'm sorry Raven, I didn't anticipate this situation. I'd have told you if I knew. Please don't be mad at Anya.'_

"Rae..." Anya puts her hand on Raven's across the table. "I'm so sorry. I never thought you finding it would lead to this, I'm sorry--"

"Babe, shut up." Raven interrupts her. "Just... Let me hate myself a little, alright? I know I have trust issues and I know I sometimes take it out on you. So don't apologize for this. I understand why you didn't tell me." 

"And you!" She looks at Lexa. "Now that I know I kinda hate myself for not figuring it out. This ring is so you and Clarke. When are you asking her?" 

"May Fifth."

"The kiss-a-versary?" Raven grins.

"The what?" Anya blinks. 

"Clarke says they have two anniversaries. One for when they first met and one for when they kissed the first time. Don't ask me why I remember things like that but February Fifth and May Fifth."

Anya looks at Lexa who blushes under her gaze. It's true, it's not something she and Clarke has talked about but she counts two anniversaries too. 

"That's the grossest thing I've ever heard, little sis," she grins. 

"Hey! Anyone home?" Clarke's voice echoes from the hall. 

Anya grabs the royal blue velvet box, Raven grabs the notepad, and they run past Clarke towards their room to get rid of the evidence.

"Hey Clarke," they mumble as they close the door behind them. 

"What's up with them?" Clark says, greeting Lexa with a soft kiss. 

Lexa shrugs, hoping Clarke can't hear the rapid thumping of her heart. 

*

Two weeks to go and Lexa almost slips up. 

She's beginning to panic a little because she still hasn't come up with a plan except for park, gazebo, flash the ring and say marry me. When it comes to feelings Lexa is intuitive, more so than anything else, which means that she goes with whatever feels right in the moment. Making plans about these things doesn't come natural to her.

She's panicking a little because _this_ needs a plan and she doesn't have one. She lets her fingers wander mindlessly along ivory keys. She presses her eyes shut trying to mute that one percent that yells unbearably loud right now. 

_Okay. Okay okay okay. Think._

Lexa starts with the basics. 

She needs to tell Clarke things, important things, things Clarke will want to remember for all time. She needs to _tell_ Clarke. _Talk, speak, say things out loud._ She needs to find a way to say a whole lot of things with very few words, and that's a master level conundrum she doesn't know how to solve. 

If she _were_ to figure out how to voice her thoughts, she _still_ needs to find the right words. 

That's the problem. Clarke is the best thing that's ever happened to her, and what she feels when she's around Clarke is so intense that words aren't ever enough to describe it. Maybe Abby is right. Maybe she doesn't need words. 

She needs to clear her mind. 

She positions her hands on the piano and plays Clarke's Song, just the snippet that sounds like snowflakes. 

And then she knows. 

She'll keep it simple because Clarke speaks her language, she'll understand. 

She'll take Clarke on a walk in the park and conveniently pull her towards the gazebo. It'll be early May so the Japanese cherry trees will treat them with their pink beauty along the dirt gravel road. She'll patiently wait as Clarke stops to admire them before she conveniently guides Clarke to their destination. 

If the situation allows it she'll start with a kiss because Lexa best knows how to tell Clarke she loves her with a kiss.

Then she'll pull out that one note she brought with her, the one with the words _'Love, all I am is yours to have'_ and an arrow pointing upwards. When Clarke does look up Lexa will have the ring ready as she says _'marry me'_ and if she's really feeling it she'll add a _'Clarke'_ at the end for good measure because she knows Clarke loves the way she says her name. 

It could work. 

Satisfied with the possible plan, Lexa let's her mind drift back to the piano. She continues playing Clarke's song while daydreaming about how Clarke might respond when two arms slide around her torso. A husky voice next her ear says, "Hey gorgeous, we're alone tonight and I've got a surprise for you."

Lexa's delicate snowflakes develops into a clumsy avalanche cascading along the piano keys when Clarke seductively sucks on her earlobe. She abruptly closes the piano lid and rises to look at Clarke who is wearing very little clothes. Very little, as in just a loose white button-up, one of _Lexa's_ loose white button-ups, and by the looks of it she may or may not be wearing anything underneath it. 

Clarke smiles mischievously when she sees Lexa's eyes roam down her body. She pushes Lexa back down onto the piano bench, a commanding palm against her chest. She then moves to straddle her, the bench is sturdy, it'll hold her. Lexa is completely at her mercy. Her hands find Clarke's waist and her wide eyes follow Clarke's fingers as they slow dance down the column of buttons, popping one button at a time, silently revealing more and more of her cleavage. Tauntingly slow. If Lexa had any control left she'd help Clarke speed up the process. On second thought, she likes watching. Maybe tauntingly slow is just the right pace. 

Yes. 

Yes it is. 

"Hey," Clarke whispers, running a thumb over Lexa's lips, something Lexa always translates into a _'Say my name'_. 

"Clarke," she breathes and she watches her favorite smile, the soft one only meant for her, tug on Clarke's lips. 

"Look at me," Clarke commands. 

Lexa forces her eyes upwards until they find her favorite oceans. They hold a storm tonight and Lexa can't help it, she wants to chase that storm until it sweeps her up. 

Clarke pops another button still holding Lexa's gaze.

"Do you like it?" She asks. 

Lexa looks down and _ohmygod_ Clarke is wearing lingerie. Like, a _very delicate_ set of royal blue lingerie. Lexa never thought much of lingerie because it's the woman in it she wants to see. But this is _see-through_ and it does something _really nice_ to Clarke's cleavage and Clarke is wearing Lexa's button-up which always drives Lexa mad. 

Her mind is crashing. 

She's a passenger without a safety belt. 

It's _royal blue_ like the velvet box currently in Anya's possession. Lexa's mind autopilots right into a haze of another one of her daydreams. This exact moment but with a ring on Clarke's finger. 

"I take that as a yes," Clarke husks, popping another button. 

Lexa feels the _M_ form on her lips and it's only because Clarke pulls her into a kiss, swallowing the letters about to form into words, that Lexa doesn't propose to her right then and there. She welcomes the distraction. She lifts Clarke up, legs linking around her waist as she carries Clarke to their bedroom, hastily rushing down the hall, clumsily trying to hold on to Clarke's lips. 

Two more weeks. How hard can it be? 

*

One week to go and Raven almost ruins everything. 

On this last weekend of April, Spring has generously provided them with sunlight warm enough to have an afternoon barbecue outside on the terrace. Everyone is here, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy and Niylah. Raven is still bossing everyone around only letting Clarke help with the food while the sisters set up the table. Evidently, it's a law of nature and no one even considers defying it. 

"Hey Rae, I was just telling Niylah about that remote car you made in high school, do you still have it?" Octavia asks. 

"Pfft, of course I do." Raven says. 

"Is that what that monster on the top shelf is?" Anya asks. 

'What do you mean monster," Raven glares at Anya. "That thing is badass. I attached a webcam on it and we used it to spy on Bellamy," Raven snickers, meeting Octavia's hand in a high-five. 

"They were so cruel to me, Niylah!" Bellamy complains and Niylah laughs at his adopted whiney face. 

"Does it still work?" Clarke asks. 

"Of course it still works, Clarke. I made it," she deadpans. 

"Oooh, can I get it?" 

"Yeah, of course."

"Top shelf?" Clarke asks as she walks towards Raven's room. 

"Yeah," Raven says distractedly.

"Uh, I'll get it, Clarke," Anya says, shooting daggers at Raven before catching up with Clarke.

"What... Oh," Raven's eyes widen as she remembers what's _also_ hidden on that top shelf. 

"No that's okay, I can get it," Clarke says. 

"Clarke!" Lexa calls out as she comes running from behind Anya. 

"Yeah?" Clarke says and as she turns around, Lexa engulfs her in a kiss that may be a bit too inappropriate considering everyone is watching. Anya groans by the sight as she rushes past them to pick up the remote car from the shelf before Clarke may resume her mission. 

Someone wolf-whistles.

That someone is Raven. 

The rest are chuckling awkwardly. 

Clarke and Lexa doesn't hear it, in fact, Anya has to punch Lexa's shoulder on her way back to break off the kiss. 

"Okay..." Clarke sighs, clinging to the fabric of Lexa's shirt to steady herself. "Once I'm able to feel my legs again, I swear, I'm gonna find out what you and Anya are up to."

Lexa knows she's a terrible liar, she won't even deny it. Clarke has caught her and Anya hunched over secret plans at the kitchen table more than once this past week, and Anya has been the one to run off with whatever piece of paper they'd been looking at. 

Lexa won't even try the _’I don't know what you're talking about’_ look. It's useless. Clarke has evidence and plenty of it. So instead Lexa winks at her, and when Clarke raises one eyebrow Lexa shrugs, plants a soft kiss on her cheek and then walks away. 

"Smooth," Raven whispers as Lexa takes a seat by the table again. 

"You two are so frustrating. I'll find out! Mark my words!" Clarke looks between the two sisters. 

Then _Anya_ winks at her. 

There are two things about Clarke that saves Lexa in this moment. One, Clarke truly believes they're both in on it - not just Lexa - and two, Clarke always gets like this the second she thinks someone has a surprise planned for her. 

It's part of the game. 

In all fairness, Clarke is totally oblivious and for that Lexa is grateful. 

*

Lexa wakes up Wednesday morning, mentally crossing off another day which means four more days to go. 

She lets herself enjoy this moment, Clarke sleeping halfway on top of her, head heavy against her chest and a leg entangled in between Lexa's. Clarke is snoring a little, she sometimes does in this position, and Lexa can feel moisture between Clarke's cheek and her own skin which means she's also drooling a little. Lexa can't help the daydreaming, this very same scenario but with a ring on Clarke's finger. Lexa places her hand over Clarke's, gently as to not wake her up. She tries to imagine what it would feel like, the edges of the ring against the palm of her hand. 

She can't wait to find out. 

*

Three more days to go and Lexa has to find a new hiding spot for the royal blue velvet box because Anya caught Clarke about to walk into her room. Clarke insists that she wasn't snooping, but no one believes her. 

Not even Raven. 

They all have valid reason not to believe her because she pouts like she always does when she tries to cover up her mischievous ideas. As much as Lexa finds it adorable, it's not something she dares take lightly now she's _so close_. She then decides it's for the better if she takes the velvet box with her when she's not home. That’s why she she'll take it with her to work come tomorrow. 

*

Two more days to go and Lexa waits for Clarke to leave for work before securing the royal blue velvet box in her jeans pocket. She knows Clarke will be the first one home this afternoon so she'll have to think of a plan to hide it somewhere once she's home too. 

As for now, the box is safe with her, away from Clarke. 

Except it isn't.

Today of all days, Clarke decides she'd rather go hang out at the Kids Center waiting for Lexa to finish up so they can walk home together. 

Lexa just finished her last piano lesson of the day and is now sitting at a table going through some paperwork with Niylah. 

"Hey, am I interrupting?" Clarke asks, only halfway through the door. 

"Oh, hey Clarke," Niylah greets her, "come take a seat, we're almost done."

Lexa's hand automatically goes to her pocket to check that the box is still there and Clarke takes a seat next to her, greeting her with a kiss to her cheek. 

Clarke pulls out her sketchbook and Lexa has a really hard time concentrating on what Niylah tells her because out of the corner of her eye she sees Clarke working on the details for her gazebo drawing. Clarke concentrates so hard that she bites her lip and Lexa probably shouldn't be picturing her in that royal blue lingerie set--

"Okay, Lexa. I see what's going on. Go home, I'll mail you the rest," Niylah says, winking at her when Lexa finally does meet her eyes. 

Lexa blushes and signs _'Sorry'_ to which Niylah laughs. 

"Enjoy the weekend, see you Monday." Niylah packs her things and waves at them before leaving the Kids Center. 

"Clarke?" 

"Mh?" Clarke says distractedly and it makes Lexa smile. 

"Home?" she asks. 

"Yeah, can we go through the park? I can't get this area here right." Clarke points to a spot on her sketch and Lexa can't see anything except it's a masterpiece, but she'll gladly follow Clarke to the ends of the world so why not the gazebo, the ring in her pocket, two days before The Big Day. 

Lexa rises from her seat, grateful she's wearing a hoodie today. It's long enough to hide the lump in her pocket. She just needs to position herself strategically to minimize the chances of Clarke feeling it. It's easy enough as long as they walk hands entwined. 

"I love these trees," Clarke says, stopping in her tracks to admire them. Lexa can't help but think that this is exactly how she pictures Sunday will go. She lets Clarke set the pace and waits patiently for her to stop smiling like an idiot at the trees. She waits patiently for Clarke to look back at her, and when she does, she's met by a slight tint of red cheeks and shy eyes. 

Lexa questions her with a raised eyebrow. 

"Sometimes you look at me like I put the sun in the sky and it always leaves me flustered," she admits. 

Lexa wants to tell Clarke that she _is_ the sun in the sky. Instead she closes the distance, brushes a few loose strands of golden hair behind Clarke's ear and steals a gentle kiss from Clarke's lips. She doesn't break the kiss before Clarke smiles against her lips. 

"Come on," she says as she tugs Lexa towards the gazebo. "I need about fifteen minutes, is that okay?" 

Lexa nods. She can have two hours if she wants, all of eternity even. 

Clarke finds a spot in the grass that gives her the perfect view of the gazebo while Lexa lies down next to her, her hands behind her head. Lexa's mind wanders again. This moment right now is so perfect that she's afraid she won't be able to reproduce it in two days. There's Clarke, the cherry trees and the Gazebo, and it's like the air around her hums her favorite tune. For a split second she considers to ignore the date and do it right now. She's got all she needs right here, the ring included. 

"Lexa?"

"Mh?"

"You're doing it again." Clarke blushes.

Lexa leans on her elbow and cups Clarke's cheek. She brushes her thumb against her cheekbone and watches her eyelashes flutter a few times before pulling her into a kiss. 

Because gravity. 

Clarke's lips have never been softer, never tasted better, and Lexa's heart has never thumbed harder in her ribcage. She doesn't ever want it to stop and that's how she knows. 

May Third sounds like a perfect third anniversary date, she thinks, so she breaks the kiss and and steals one last gentle peck before straightening up into a sitting position. She wiggles the royal blue velvet box out of her pocket and she hears Clarke's barely there gasp when she flips open the box. 

"Marry me," Lexa says as she watches Clarke's eyes widen. 

"Lex..." Clarke whispers. 

"Clarke." Lexa copies.

"Say it again."

"Clarke." Lexa smiles. 

"Not that, Lex." Clarke smiles too. 

"Marry me."

"Yes," Clarke whispers. 

Lexa grins as Clarke peels her eyes off the ring to meet Lexa's eyes. 

"Yes," Clarke repeats a little louder before leaning forward to capture Lexa's lips. 

Lexa feels Clarke smiling against her lips, thinking this is even better than she'd imagined. She tastes the salt on her lips and she knows at least some of it is from her own tears. Breaking the kiss she realizes Clarke is crying too. She wipes the tears from Clarke's cheeks with her free hand before taking the ring from its box. She bites her lip trying to control the excessive energy flowing through her body as she slides the ring onto Clarke's finger. 

"It's beautiful, Lex. I love the green stone," Clarke says. 

Lexa beams proudly, happily, like Clarke is not only the sun in the sky, but the moon and the stars too. 

"Ohmygod... Is that what you hid in Anya's closet?" 

Lexa nods.

"Okay... Alright." Clarke grins and she's even more beautiful than Lexa thought she'd be with that ring on her finger. "Now what... fiancée of mine?" 

Lexa leans in to steal another kiss from her fiancée's lips; they taste better with a ring on her finger too. 

Lexa pulls out her notepad. 

_'First you call your parents, they want to know your answer. Then we celebrate.'_

"You went to see my parents?" 

Lexa nods and then Clarke starts crying again and Lexa doesn't know why, but Clarke assures her they're happy tears. Lexa helps Clarke up from the grass and they stroll through the park on their way home, entangled hands and bright smiles. She likes how she can feel Clarke's ring against her skin and her heart is almost bursting at the seams. 

May Third is definitely the better date for a proposal. 

*

Clarke opens the front door with her left hand beaming at the sight of her _gorgeous_ engagement ring on her finger. She finds her way back to Lexa's waiting hand immediately pulling her down the hall and into the kitchen where Raven is busy bossing Anya around. Clarke leans her front against the high kitchen table trying her best to keep a straight face. Lexa knows she can't hide her grin, so she slides her arms around Clarke's waist and hides most of her face in her favorite golden locks.

"Something is wrong with Lexa and Clarke," Anya says, watching the two in front of her. 

"What? Oh hey, didn't here you come in." Raven says, distracted by her latest cooking experiment. 

"Because we're ninjas," Clarke jokes. 

"Rae, they're being weird," Anya smirks. She figured it out and Lexa knows it. 

"Babe, what are you talking about?"

"I think Lexa got the dates wrong. It's not May Fifth today."

Raven turns around to look at them for the first time, surprise written on her face. "Please somebody confirm before I say something I shouldn't."

Clarke puts both her hands on the table in front of her and when Raven sees the ring she squeals before pulling both of them into a joined hug. Anya hugs them too, congratulating them, but in a more composed manner. 

"Lex! What happened to the kiss-a-versary date?" Raven wants to know. 

"Rae, please stop calling it that." Clarke tries to scold her but the bright smile on her face ruins it. 

"Third is better," Lexa shrugs nonchalantly. 

"I think so too," Clarke says. "Fiancée of mine, please answer all of Raven's lame questions while I call mom and dad."

Clarke cups Lexa's cheek to pull her into a gentle kiss. She likes to see the ring against Lexa's skin, the green stone making Lexa's eyes shine brighter. She walks out onto the terrace and dials her mom. 

_"Hey honey, what's up?"_

"Oh nothing, Lexa told me to call you to let you know I said yes," Clarke underplays it on purpose because she knows her mom. 

_"What? She already asked you?"_ Abby squeals.

"Yeah." Clarke can't hold her straight face anymore. Telling her mom about this feels incredibly good. 

_"Congratulations, honey. We're happy for you. Both of you."_

"Thank you, mom."

_"Tell me all about it and don't skip any details."_

For almost an hour, Clarke sits on the terrace talking to her mom about the proposal and catching up on what everyone has been doing since the last time they saw each other. Before ending the call, Abby promises she and Jake will come down to visit them soon so they can celebrate properly. 

After Clarke hangs up, she takes a moment to digest the past couple of hours. Lexa is her fiancée. She's Lexa's fiancée too. She runs a thumb across the green stone realizing that she'd already promised herself to Lexa forever before the proposal, maybe not officially, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. She doesn't need the ring to know that Lexa is hers forever, but she certainly doesn't mind the visual reminder on her finger. 

For the first time in her life Clarke is finally ready to give herself completely to another person. Clarke watches the three women in the kitchen, the only word that really sums them up is _family_. She watches Raven lean into Anya who automatically supports Raven's weight off her bad leg without even thinking about it, and that's when Clarke realizes she's ready to let Raven go. She sighs, looking at her ring again. Chances are she won't live in this house for too long but whatever happens she'll make sure Lexa gets her grand piano. 

Clarke is pulled out of her thoughts when Lexa knocks on the doorframe letting her presence be known. Clarke looks up at her with tears in her eyes and Lexa moves to cup her cheeks. One tear trickle down her cheek and Lexa kisses it away, looking at her with concerned eyes. 

"They're happy tears," she explains. 

"Love you," Lexa murmurs against her lips. 

"Love you too, Lex."

Lexa takes Clarke's left hand in hers and smiles at the ring and Clarke thinks that maybe Lexa likes the visual reminder too. 

"Say it," Clarke commands, a soft smile lingering on her lips. 

"Clarke," Lexa grins. 

"Not that." 

"Marry me."

"Yes, please."


	21. Chapter XXI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah, all the love you have for this fic is humbling me to the point where I'm lost for words. Thank you for all the nice comments on chapter twenty <3
> 
> Before I forget, thank you to everyone who's giving Them Troublemakers a chance (new fic); second chapter should be up tomorrow or the day after. <3
> 
> I hope you like this.  
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

Clarke's eyes flutter open to a new day. The golden morning light slices through the blinds and she can feel the warmth tingle on her cheek. Her entire body is buzzing with a pleasant warmth, from head to toe – most of all, her heart. She lies still, awestruck by the remarkable woman who lies peacefully asleep next to her. 

What a sight. 

Lexa's green tie still hangs loosely around her neck, evidence from last night's _blindfold activities_. The memories conjures up a smile on Clarke's lips and a blush to match the warmth on her cheeks. It's not the first time they've been too exhausted to deal with it before falling asleep. It most likely won't be the last either. 

Like so many times before, Clarke studies the contours of Lexa's face; her long eyelashes, her jawline, the hint of freckles across the bridge of her nose and the softness of her lips. Somehow it feels different and new this time, and she itches to immortalize this moment right here in a sketch. She listens to Lexa's quiet breathing and suddenly feels the desire to run her fingers through chestnut hair. 

So she does. 

She feels a sheepish grin tug at the corners of her lips when she sees the ring on her finger slide through Lexa's hair; it's a sight she's sure she'll never get tired of. When Lexa's eyes flutter open just inches away from her own, Clarke is struck by a sudden jolt of happiness; sudden, yes, but not at all unexplainable. 

"Goodmorning, wifey of mine," Clarke husks, and Lexa's lips curl into her favorite half smile. 

Waking up for the first time as Lexa's wife feels pretty damn spectacular, Clarke thinks, and she reaches for Lexa's hand because she wants to see her ring too. They match. They're flat platinum bands and they had the jeweler engrave a snowflake and their wedding date on the inside.

Simple.

Them.

Clarke's mind replays yesterday. After the engagement, they had waited a year to have a low-key ceremony by the gazebo in the park, the blooming Japanese cherry trees against the blue sky and the mild Spring sun. It was simple and sentimental; it was _their spot_ , just them and their closest family and friends.

Clarke brushes her thumb against Lexa's ring and replays the moment Lexa said _'I do'_. It was perhaps the simplest of all things she's ever said, and Clarke doesn't quite have the words to describe what it makes her feel, but she knows just how to sketch it and she will, once she's done digesting the magic from yesterday. 

"Clarke Griffin-Woods," Lexa murmurs against her lips, interrupting her daydreaming. Lexa saying her name still makes Clarke's heart flutter. 

"Yes, wifey?" Clarke presses her lips softly against Lexa's wedding ring. Lexa responds by straddling Clarke's waist in one swift motion and it happens so fast that Clarke doesn't notice until Lexa's tie appears in her line of sight. Wasting no time, Clarke hooks a finger around the knot and pulls Lexa closer. "You in a tie – _only_ a tie – is kinda hot," Clarke seduces, before pulling her the rest of the way to meet her lips. This is exactly what initiated the _blindfold activities_ last night and Clarke feels a little helpless by the memories of Lexa in her grey dress pants and vest, white shirt sleeves folded by the elbows and that tie, green like her eyes – a soft smile on her lips and stars in her eyes. So suave, so Lexa. Just... magnified. 

They don't have time for a replay so Clarke struggles with the images in her mind as she fumbles to untie the knot, then throwing the tie exasperatedly to the floor. "There, gone!" She sighs a relief against Lexa's warm lips. "We don't have time."

Lexa breaks the kiss with a chuckle. She leans down to place a kiss against Clarke's scar before jumping off the bed. Her eyes land on the ridded clothes on the floor and images of seeing Clarke in her dress for the first time washes over her. If the engagement ring increased Clarke's beauty tenfold, then the wedding dress undeniably went off the charts. She didn't want traditional and Lexa loves her all the more for it. She'd picked out a long dress in so many shades of blue that it reminded Lexa of an ocean wave. Lexa replays the moment when Clarke finally looks at her, her ocean blue eyes emerging from behind her eyelashes. Lexa clearly remembers the hitch in her own breath and the tears welling up. She remembers thinking that if this is a dream she never wants to wake up. 

"Hey, you okay?" Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's waist, hugging her from behind. Lexa nods. She's perfectly okay. She's blissfully ecstatic and delightfully overwhelmed. She's Lexa Griffin-Woods, the luckiest woman in the world, wife of Clarke Griffin-Woods, the most gorgeous, most caring, most talented woman of all time. 

Yeah, she's okay. 

Clarke leaves snowflake kisses melting against her shoulder blades. "Come take a shower with me?"

Lexa nods as she shifts to face Clarke. She steals one of those kisses that makes Clarke forget time, and then she steals one of those kisses that causes their shower to last significantly longer than first planned. 

*

They've got about ten minutes before Mitchell picks them up, and while Clarke is finishing up after their shower, Lexa steals a couple of minutes by the piano. She opens the lid and is immediately hit by another memory from yesterday. 

_After the ceremony, everyone had driven up to the Woods Mansion to have a celebration dinner. It was a simple dinner, too. Good food, great company, a little alcohol. It was low-key and perfectly casual. Then after dessert, Clarke had risen from her chair and clinked a spoon gently against her wine glass to get everyone's attention._

_Clarke had then cleared her throat before saying, “As you may know Lexa and I have decided not to give speeches. This is not a speech either. I just want to say two things. One, thank you to all of you for wanting to share this day with us. Two, as most of you may know Lexa copies most of my doodles in her own mutated stick man versions. You may have even seen a few of them at display around the house. And this is when I start to get nervous, so as to not prolong this moment more than necessary, please do me the honor and join me in the next room because I've got a surprise for my wife."_

_Lexa had then accepted the hand Clarke held out for her, letting herself being pulled up from her chair. She was guided into the piano room and Clarke had kissed her softly before telling her to take a seat. Clarke had proceeded to take a seat behind the piano while everyone else sat down around Lexa._

_Taking a moment to observe her surroundings, Lexa had looked at everyone in the room: Abby and Jake, Indra and Gustus, Anya and Raven, Octavia and Lincoln, Bellamy and Niylah, Mitchell, too. They were all there and Clarke was sitting behind her childhood grand piano; Lexa's heart was nearly bursting from all the sentimental value roaming freely around her, inside her._

_"Okay, so, I've had a little help from Lexa's old piano teacher, still, don't expect wonders. This is my piano version of Lexa's drawings," Clarke had said, her eyes glued to Lexa's._

_Then Clarke had taken a deep breath and she'd started playing. Her technique was terrible but the music magical nonetheless. Because Clarke was playing the piano. She had secretly been taking lessons to learn to play this for Lexa on their wedding day and that's pretty damn beautiful. It's the biggest thing someone has ever done for Lexa._

Lexa lets the memory wash over her, letting it fill her body with warmth. Clarke joins her, arms wrapping around her waist, soft lips on her neck, distracting her from the piano. 

"Is there room for one m--"

Lexa shifts to meet Clarke's lips, interrupting the familiar greeting, and she doesn't ever want to stop kissing her. 

The doorbell rings through the hallway. 

Lexa pouts due to the interruption and Clarke chuckles. "Come on, wifey, let's go to brunch. We can pick this up later," she says, offering Lexa her hand. Lexa grins by the sight of Clarke's wedding ring as she lets Clarke tug her off the piano bench. 

 

*

 

They both sit in the backseat of Mitchell's car as he takes them back to the Woods Mansion. Clarke studies their entangled hands between them trying to remember the image for a future drawing; the lines, the shadows, how the ring on Lexa's finger reflects the sunlight. She runs her thumb along the ring thinking how easily it fulfills the task of making Lexa more beautiful; something she thought wasn't possible. 

"Is this how you felt after you proposed to me?" Clarke asks. 

Lexa looks at her with curious eyes. 

"This." Clarke lifts their hands to press her lips against the ring. She feels a lot of things in this moment, things she doesn't know how to explain, things that makes her heart flutter. She knows Lexa understands. She can see it in her eyes, the way they soften, the way they hold her gaze. 

"Yes," Lexa says, barely a whisper. 

Sitting there in the backseat of Mitchell's car, Clarke mentally relives the moment when she slides the ring onto Lexa's finger, all shaky hands and a racing heart. Lexa had that same look in her eyes then too. That look was so intense that it left Clarke a teary mess, and Lexa had smiled at her and reached up to wipe her cheeks dry while Clarke had watched Lexa's own tears escape. 

Sitting there in the backseat of Mitchell's car Lexa uses her free hand to catch that one tear hanging from Clarke's eyelashes. She leans in to kiss her wife softly just before Mitchell slows to a halt.

They're here. 

Family brunch. Clarke's parents stayed the night in one of the many guest rooms, Raven and Anya too, a gesture meant to provide Clarke and Lexa with privacy on their first night as a married couple. After the engagement, Clarke had spent two weeks stocking up on courage before finally telling Raven she didn't need her to look after her anymore, that she should move in with Anya if that's what she wanted, that she didn't want to be the reason to hold them back; that she was ready. Clarke had cried because it felt a little like breaking up with someone, but then Raven had hugged her and told her that everything is okay, that she and Anya had actually talked about it but they both agreed that they wanted to stay, so unless Clarke and Lexa were kicking them out, they'd be staying in the house. At least for now. 

"So how's married life?" Raven greets them as they enter the dining room, hands entwined and million dollar grins on their lips. 

"Based on last night, it's one with not much sleep," Clarke quips as she takes a seat pulling laughter from Raven's lungs and a red blush on Lexa's cheeks. 

"Please, no details," Anya groans.

"Where's everyone?" Clarke changes the subject mainly because she knows Lexa is a bit uncomfortable putting their sex life on display.

"Here." Abby says as she and Jake enters the room with Indra and Gustus right behind them. They're all carrying trays with food and beverages, placing it all on the table. 

 

Clarke and Lexa gets up to greet everyone with a hug. Clarke hugs her parents for a little bit longer because she knows she won't see them for a while after this brunch. It's the main reason Clarke and Lexa insisted on having this brunch. It's supposed to be one last perfect family moment before they leave for their honeymoon. 

And it is. 

Clarke and Lexa's parents get along really well, finally having found in each other someone who finds talking about company projects interesting. 

"Are you packed and ready?" Anya asks. 

"Yep," Clarke smiles. Their luggage is sitting in the hallway waiting to be picked up. Once family brunch is over Mitchell will take them to pick up their luggage and then the airport. 

Family brunch is over way too soon but Jake and Abby promises to come down for a visit again soon and Indra and Gustus promise they'll invite everyone for a family dinner when that happens.

*

Mitchell drives Clarke and Lexa back to the house and he stays in the car while they pick up their luggage. Clarke turns the key but lingers by the doorknob as memories from last night washes over her. Lexa presses a soft kiss to the corner of her lips, just like last night. She then proceeds to turn the doorknob for Clarke, and before Clarke can walk inside, she picks her up bridal style with a playful smile on her lips. 

"Lex!" Clarke squeals, not having anticipated Lexa's move. Her arms automatically snakes around Lexa's neck and she feels Lexa's chuckle vibrate in her chest. 

Lexa steps inside and gently brings Clarke back onto her feet, and they find themselves in a soft embrace; Lexa's arms around Clarke's waist and Clarke's still around Lexa's neck. 

Just like last night. 

Lexa dips her head to kiss Clarke meanwhile running one hand up Clarke's arm. She gently takes Clarke's hand and twirls Clarke around once before dipping her backwards, gracefully and gently. 

Just like last night. 

Clarke blushes because Lexa is looking at her _like that_ again, like she hung the sun in the sky, and Lexa smiles sheepishly because she knows gestures like this makes Clarke blush. 

"Clarke Griffin-Woods," Lexa whispers, a half smile dancing on her lips, then pulling Clarke back up into her embrace. 

"Wifey of mine," Clarke sighs, "you need to stop being this smooth or we're going to miss our flight."

Lexa steals one last kiss before letting Clarke go, grinning like an idiot as she picks up their luggage and exits the house. Clarke exhales slowly to get her breathing back under control before leaving the house too.


	22. Chapter XXII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Judging by your comments throughout this story, I've got three events written on a list of possible future one shots. I robbed you the experience of Christmas morning. I robbed you the entire wedding (only giving you tidbits) and – you'll realize soon enough – I've robbed you the honeymoon, too. 
> 
> I hope you'll forgive me for the jumping in time these last four chapters (20-23). I wouldn't do it if I didn't have a plan I strongly believed in. 
> 
> This is the second to last chapter. I hope it makes up for the lack of a honeymoon chapter (I'd like to hear your ideas on where you think they went, though. Humor me! One reader already did; it was grand!). 
> 
> Enjoy.  
> ~anonbeme

"Lex?" 

No response. 

"Hey," Clarke puts her sketchbook down on the bench next to her and places a careful hand on Lexa's thigh to get her attention.

They're sitting on their bench in the park enjoying the summer sun. Clarke has been sketching the view in front of them while Lexa has been, well, a little lost inside her own mind. Lexa is distracted by this unsettling feeling in her gut. It's been there for a few weeks and it's particularly dominant today. She's not entirely sure why she can't seem to shake it, so instead she's been staring into the void in front of her, lost in her own thoughts trying to make sense of it all. 

The thing is, that Lexa does in fact know what started it but she can't for the love of anything good understand why it affects her this way. Clarke was transferred to the pediatric ward about a month ago and the first time Lexa picked her up after work she caught Clarke interacting with a kid, a girl not more than six years old. She saw the brightness in Clarke's eyes, how much she loves her job, and it carved an aching hole in Lexa's heart. 

Lexa never truly considered having kids. She loves kids, she loves working at the Kids Center, but when Costia died she let go of all the plans she had about maybe starting a family in the future. Watching Clarke interact with the kids at the hospital has somehow awakened that dream again; this time it's tenfold stronger. They never really talked about kids except that Clarke once said she'd like to have kids _someday_ and Lexa told herself that she wouldn't hesitate when that day comes. Never did she think she'd be there before Clarke, though. Not already. They've only been married for three months, surely it's too soon.

"You okay?" She hears Clarke say. It's not the first time these past few weeks that she catches Clarke watching her with concerned eyes. Lexa has been distracted by her thoughts a lot lately. For some reason she's afraid to bring it up. 

She meets Clarke's eyes and feels Clarke's thumb brush against her cheek. "Talk to me, Lex," she hears Clarke say, her voice even more concerned than her eyes. She looks hurt too and it breaks Lexa's heart; Clarke is not supposed to be hurt because Lexa is an emotional mess. 

Lexa nods, one of those nods that's meant to conjure up courage out of thin air. She's out of her comfort zone right now because she didn't bring her notepad, it's intentional because she uses her alone time with Clarke practicing speaking more. 

She feels like an idiot. 

She takes one last deep breath. 

_"Iwantkids"_ Lexa mumbles trying her best not to avoid Clarke's eyes, but the confusion, the intensity in Clarke's eyes and the fear burning in Lexa's lungs make it pretty damn hard. She's never felt this vulnerable before. She's not used to asking Clarke for anything. Usually it's Lexa making sure Clarke has all _she_ needs, something she made her mission in life a long time ago. 

"What... I didn't get that," Clarke says, reaching to take Lexa's hand. She squeezes it once and Lexa squeezes back immediately so Clarke gives her the time she needs. She knows she doesn't have her notepad with her and she promised Lexa to never offer her a page from her sketchbook when they were alone; she'll respect it, so she waits.

She watches Lexa blink a few times and she gives her a reassuring smile when she does meet her eyes again, one of those Lexa always draws her strength from. 

"I want kids," Lexa says, a heavy breath released from her lungs. 

"Uh, okay..." Clarke starts, thinking that might be what she heard before but needed to be absolutely sure. Lexa's confession makes Clarke's heart flutter and she feels a smile about to break free but she fights it because Lexa is clearly not okay. "Well, I'd like to think that's a good thing. Do you wanna tell me why it's got you this worked up?" 

"Too soon," Lexa offers, biting her lip nervously. It made sense in her head but now that she's said it out loud, she's not so sure anymore. 

"Why do you think it's too soon, Lex?" Clarke still doesn't understand the problem. 

Lexa blinks again and Clarke knows this is Lexa fighting to understand what's going on inside her mind. 

"Wifey of mine," Clarke says softly receiving a timid half smile in return, "If you want kids now, then it's not too soon. You know I want kids too and yeah, I'm not in a rush, but time is a really small factor in this, okay?"

Lexa nods carefully. 

"Is this what's been bugging you lately?" Clarke asks. 

Lexa nods again. 

If Clarke must be honest, she's been ready for a while now. She wasn't entirely sure until she witnessed Lexa with her new piano student, Aden, about two months ago. Of all the kids, Lexa is proud of him the most. He's twelve and was just recently adopted after having been in the system for seven years. He's mute due to a trauma and while Lexa values his trust in her so much that she hasn't told Clarke about it, she has a bad feeling about it, like, child abuse, maybe. Watching Lexa sign with Aden melts Clarke every time. She's seen him a couple of times the past few months and every time he's grown more confident, and he glows more. Lexa always spends a little extra time with him and Clarke can't help but think that Lexa will be an amazing mom. 

"You're kind of an idiot, you know that?" Clarke teases softly. Lexa narrows her eyes as to say _'I don't understand'_ , so Clarke elaborates, "See, if you'd told me this earlier I could've told _you_ earlier that I'm in. Let's do it."

Clarke can't fight the smile anymore and Lexa can't not reciprocate. Clarke squeezes her hand and Lexa squeezes back while leaning in for a kiss. 

*

Clarke wants to carry it and so they find a tall donor with chestnut hair and green eyes like Lexa's. They don't tell anyone that they're trying because if it doesn't work out they'd want to deal with it privately. 

It's a rainy October day when Lexa anxiously paces the floorboards outside the bathroom while Clarke pees on a stick on the other side of the door. 

In fact, she pees on three different sticks. 

She comes back out with defeated eyes and tear streaked cheeks and Lexa catches her with comforting arms and soft kisses on her golden hair. Lexa is heartbroken because she can't give Clarke the one thing she wants, she can only stand on the sideline with love and support. It's not always good enough, she thinks. 

The following days, they try to act normal around Raven and Anya, but it's hard because they're a little sad and a lot disappointed. Raven confronts Clarke but she isn't ready to talk about it so she avoids the house, working more, spending more time at the park with her sketchbook. 

Lexa finds her on the hospital roof one late evening. She's brought a blanket and ice cream and she kisses Clarke's engagement ring, then her wedding ring and lastly her quivering lips. There's a buzzing desperation in the air, a pain Clarke doesn't know how to get rid of, but Lexa does. She remembers Clarke's words, that sometimes it needs to hurt to get better, so she pins Clarke against the wall, ripping open the zipper on her jeans. Clarke's frozen fingers scratches against her scalp and her heartbroken cries echo in the void around them as Lexa drives her over the edge with a rough hand. With demanding lips she drives the pain out of Clarke's lungs until there's no more left, until Clarke collapses. 

Lexa always catches her.

There, covered in a blanket on the hospital roof on this cold night, both of them a broken mess of entangled limbs; rawness has never been this beautiful before.

It's the last time Clarke cries about the missed opportunity of pregnancy. She's ready to get up and move on. 

*

It's the end of February when Lexa comes home, a plastic bag full of pregnancy tests in her hand and snowflakes in her hair. She kisses Clarke and tells her _"Come what may"_ , and while Clarke is peeing on all the sticks, Lexa paces the floorboards outside the door. 

Clarke exits the bathroom with tear streaked cheeks again, only this time they're happy tears and then Lexa starts crying too. She places a gentle hand on Clarke's abdomen and brushes her thumb against the fabric of Clarke's hoodie, well, Lexa's green hoodie. 

"Peanut Griffin-Woods," Lexa whispers and Clarke cups her cheeks, wiping her tears away before pulling her into a kiss. 

That's how Anya and Raven finds them as they come home earlier than expected. 

"Get a room," Raven teases as she slides past them and into the bathroom. She comes storming back out not five seconds later. "Okay, who's pregnant?" 

"What?" Anya says. 

They're both staring at Clarke and Lexa who stand in the middle of the hallway, teary eyes holding each other's gaze. They weren't supposed to know until the magic three months had passed, but the cat is out of the bag and Clarke is too excited to worry about anything else. 

"I am," Clarke smiles through the tears, still holding Lexa's gaze. 

"I'm gonna be an aunt," Raven squeals as she hugs the both of them from the side. Raven being Raven, that's the same as _congratulations_ and _I'm so happy for you_. 

"What she said," Anya says casually, as she hugs them from the other side. 

"We're not home safe yet, but it feels right this time," Clarke says, muffled by the many arms around her. 

"How far are you?" Raven asks. 

"Five weeks," Clarke says. "So seven more to go."

"October?" Raven asks, not elaborating any further, but Clarke knows she's asking about the time when they withdrew themselves for about a week. 

"First attempt," Clarke explains.

"I'm sorry, Clarke."

"Don't be, it's okay. We're better prepared this time."

"Okay, first I _really_ need to pee, then we're gonna celebrate," Raven grins. 

Clarke and Lexa still hovers in the hallway once Anya went to the living room and Raven went to the bathroom. 

"Is it okay I told them?" Clarke whispers. 

Lexa nods and kisses Clarke one more time. Clarke thinks this is the most gentle Lexa has ever been with her, and she can't wait to experience Lexa as a mother.

"Love you," Lexa murmurs. 

"Love you too, Lex."

*

It's been another two days when the morning sickness kicks in. Clarke is on her way out the door when she suddenly turns around and runs for the nearest bathroom. Lexa is there with a hand rubbing soothing circles on her back and a kiss to Clarke's temple. Clarke groans from the nausea and Lexa wishes she could scoop in and carry some of the burden too. 

"How you were gonna hide that for two more months is beyond me," Raven sasses as she walks past the bathroom doorway. 

As much as she wants to, Clarke doesn't have the energy to talk back. Instead she leans into Lexa letting her comfort her in a hug. "This is just the beginning, you better appreciate it," Clarke mutters against Lexa's shoulder. 

"I do," Lexa promises. Clarke smiles lazily by the double connotation of those two words. 

*

Lexa wakes up surrounded by darkness in an empty bed and worry washes over her in an instant. She slides out of bed, subconsciously looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 3:20am. She hurries out the bedroom and towards the bathroom expecting to find Clarke a broken mess on the floor. Instead she finds her a _sobbing_ mess in the kitchen, looking longingly into the void of the refrigerator. 

"Clarke?" Lexa tries. 

"We're out of peanut butter," Clarke sobs. 

The thing is, no one in the house eats peanut butter. They've never had peanut butter in the house. _’Of course Peanut likes peanut butter,’_ Lexa thinks, and she gently closes the refrigerator door and pulls Clarke into a hug, pressing a kiss to her forehead. 

"Tomorrow?" Lexa asks. 

"Okay," Clarke agrees even though the disappointment is clear in her voice. 

Lexa guides Clarke to lay down on the couch next to her, pulling a blanket over them. She runs gentle fingertips over Clarke's skin, her neck, her arms. Just as Lexa thinks Clarke has calmed down and fallen back to sleep, another wave of sobbing escapes Clarke's lips. The woman carrying Lexa's child is not supposed to cry herself to sleep – certainly not over something as petty as peanut butter – so Lexa gets up, kisses Clarke's abdomen and then her forehead, and then she gets dressed, ready to face the merciless winter cold. 

Clarke needs peanut butter. 

The nearest store that is open at 4am is fifteen minutes away and Lexa jogs some of the way because she's cold. At least that's what she tells herself. The real reason may or may not be that every minute Clarke is miserable, Lexa is miserable too. When she returns she finds Clarke snoring peacefully on the couch. She places the peanut butter jar on the coffee table along with a spoon and a note. 

_’For you and Peanut <3’_

She then takes a shower and goes to work early. She might as well, she'd be sleep-deprived either way. At least Clarke has the day off which means she can get all the sleep she needs. 

Clarke enters the Kids Center around noon with lunch for Lexa. She watches with guilty eyes as Lexa tiredly meets her by the door. 

"Wifey of mine," Clarke says softly, "I'm sorry about last night. Please accept my apology?" She hands over the paper bag and Lexa's eyes light up knowing it contains her favorite salmon-avocado sandwich. Lexa leans in to steal a soft kiss, her hand resting on Clarke's waist, thumb brushing against her stomach. Clarke melts by the realization of just how fast Lexa's love has expanded to also surround their baby. She fights it with all the strength she can muster but her hormones win the fight causing tears to escape the corner of her eyes. 

Lexa looks at her with wide eyes, confused, a little concerned. 

"Stupid hormones," Clarke mutters making Lexa chuckle. 

"Oh hey, Clarke," Niylah greets her as she enters the room. 

"Hi Niylah," Clarke greets, swiftly wiping her cheeks. 

Niylah studies her with a scrunched up eye, a _knowing_ eye. 

"How far are you?" she asks. 

"What?" Clarke panics. 

"Clarke, you're glowing like only a pregnant woman glows, and it would actually explain why Lexa has been walking around smiling like an idiot lately." Niylah says matter-of-factly. 

"Ten weeks," Clarke admits, beaming with happiness. 

"Congratulations," Niylah smiles, pulling them into a hug. "It's still a secret?" 

"A couple more weeks, yeah. Anya and Rae knows. And you."

Niylah pretends to zip her mouth, smiling while doing so. 

*

"Oh look," Clarke beams through another round of hormonal happy tears."

"Peanut Griffin-Woods," Lexa whispers in awe of the blob on the screen. She feels Clarke squeeze her hand and she squeezes back immediately. The little heartbeat coming from the monitor is the most beautiful sound Lexa has ever heard and for the first time since Clarke's pregnancy test came out positive, she realizes just how real this is. 

She leans in to place a soft kiss against Clarke's lips. 

Because gravity. 

*

It's the end of April and Clarke is beginning to show. They're going to the Woods Mansion for a family dinner and Abby and Jake will be there too. It's the perfect opportunity to tell their parents. 

Clarke doesn't get the chance to, though, because the second Abby lays eyes on her daughter she knows. She cups her cheeks, studying her eyes like only a mother does. 

"You're glowing, honey." 

Clarke bites her lip trying to hide the smile, but it's no use. 

"How far?"

"Fourteen weeks."

Abby then pulls her into a squeezing hug, squealing out a congratulations, and Lexa grins at them from the doorway. 

"What on Earth is going on?" Jake asks, just having joined them. Indra and Gustus are right behind. 

"By the looks of it, you're gonna be a granddad in..." Abby looks at Clarke to finish her sentence. 

"October," Clarke grins. 

Jake's grin grows to a size that matches Clarke's as he scoops her up into a hug. He then hugs Lexa as well. 

"You couldn't wait till we sat down, Clarke?" Raven teases as she and Anya enters too. 

"She guessed," Clarke explains. 

"Ah, the intuitive Dr. Griffin," Raven nods.

Lexa's parents have been silent so far, but when Lexa finally looks at them Indra takes a step forward to hug her too. They've never been the kind of parents to hug their children, not after they grew into rebellious teenagers anyways. Gustus takes over, engulfing her in strong fatherly arms and Lexa realizes how much she missed her parents, how much her younger self missed them. She swears right then and there that she'll never stop hugging her own child. 

Ever. 

Teenage embarrassment be damned.

*

Most mornings Clarke wakes up to find Lexa's hand protectively resting below her baby bump, just by her hip. Some mornings Lexa is still asleep and some mornings Clarke wakes up to Lexa watching her with a lazy smile on her lips. 

This morning is one of the latter.

"Lex," Clarke sighs shyly. "Stop looking at me like that."

"No," Lexa smiles. Clarke is carrying their child and Lexa absolutely adores everything about it. If the engagement ring increased her beauty tenfold and the wedding dress blew the charts then a pregnant Clarke is otherworldly. She couldn't not look at her like this even if she tried. 

Clarke admits her defeat by letting her smile grow all the way to the corners of her eyes. Lexa then shifts to hover over Clarke's stomach. She softly presses her lips against the fabric of Clarke's t-shirt. "Hey Peanut," she whispers. 

Clarke's smile grows into a full-blown grin. She loves it when Lexa talks to her stomach. She loves it even more when she caresses it, with gentle hands or soft lips. 

Lexa hasn't said anything, but Clarke knows that Lexa feels insecure about the talking. Lexa walked in on Raven talking to Clarke's stomach the other day. Raven was talking about all the cool stuff Auntie RaeRae is going to teach it and Clarke could see the hurt in Lexa's eyes, not ever being able to talk to her own child like that. 

The next day, Clarke had gone out to buy Lexa a book about child signing. She'd then taken Lexa's hands and pressed a kiss into each of her palms and said, "These hands speak more important things than any words ever spoken." 

She'd then pressed her lips against Lexa's. "These lips are all I need to know how much you love me."

Moving Lexa's hands to rest on her stomach she'd said, "More than anything, this child will associate you with your touch, and it will run to you when it needs comfort and you will rub its back with these hands and kiss its hair with those lips and it won't need you to speak, just like _I_ don't need you to speak." 

Lexa had broken down then and Clarke had comforted her with her hands and her lips until Lexa had gone to sit behind the piano. 

Lexa thought that if she couldn't talk to Peanut, she could play music instead. She had played Clarke's Song until Clarke had interrupted her with a _"Lex!"_ causing Lexa to run to her immediately thinking something was wrong, but Clarke was all wide eyes and smiling and she'd taken Lexa's hand and placed it against her stomach. 

Since then, every time Lexa plays the piano, Peanut will kick against Clarke's womb making Lexa ineffably proud. 

*

"Hey, wifey of mine." Clarke leans against the door frame watching Lexa put the finishing touch to the cradle, a toy with snowflakes hanging in a circle from above. Lexa presses a button and it rotates while playing a gentle lullaby. She spins around with a big grin on her face. 

"Child of mine," Clarke grins teasingly at Lexa while placing a hand against her stomach, "Looks like we're finally, _at last_ , ready for you to join us."

Lexa knows the real meaning behind those words. They've been ready for a long time. Lexa made sure of that. She has baby proofed the house and given the guest room a makeover. She has stocked up on everything she thought they might need – and then some. Clarke is teasing her because she went _a little_ overboard, but to Lexa nothing is good enough for her child, nothing is good enough for Clarke. 

Lexa ignores Clarke's teasing and saunters up to her, running her hands along her stomach until they find their place behind her waist. She then leans in for a kiss and Clarke curls her hand around Lexa's neck making sure she doesn’t going anywhere until Clarke is satisfied with the length of the kiss. 

"Ten days," Clarke sighs. "Are you nervous?" 

Lexa nods. 

"Me too. You know... You excel in everything you do and there's no doubt in my mind that being a mother will be your biggest accomplishment of all."

Lexa lowers her gaze, a half smile on her lips. "Hey Peanut," she says. "We're ready."

*

Three days later Lexa wakes up when Clarke squeezes her shoulder. 

"Lex, it's time."


	23. Chapter XXIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man... Last chapter! 
> 
> Remember the time I was insecure about doing a sequel because sequels almost always fail to deliver? Well, 23 chapters and nearly 1000 kudos later, I'm so happy I did it. I can honestly say that I hadn't written this if it wasn't for all the comments that inspired me. Seriously! 
> 
> So thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments.
> 
> I hope this final chapter of Lovers In A Park will do the series justice. Speaking of the series; I'll be leaving it open for now, because I have dreams about writing some one-shots about these characters. I think I promised some of you the honeymoon and the wedding (just to mention some of my ideas). I don't know how long the wait will be, because I really want to dive into the world of Them Troublemakers (new fic). For now.
> 
> Prompt me if you have particular scenes you'd like in this AU, okay? (here, tumblr, twitter)
> 
> I'll stop rambling now. I hope this isn't goodbye <3
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~anonbeme

A big white clock hangs high on the wall in the waiting room, its black arms moving agonizingly slow, taunting her. The thud of every second echoes in her mind, causing ripples of anxiety to slowly grow more sturdy in her gut. 

Lexa is pacing again. 

There are minor complications so they need to do a c-section on Clarke. It's standard procedure and there's really nothing to worry about, the doctor had said. But Lexa is stuck in a waiting room in the hospital, suddenly reliving the fear and the anxiety all over again. She lost Costia within these walls; what if she lost Clarke and Peanut too. 

It's 9:30am. 

Every second feels like hours. 

Indra and Gustus will be here soon, Abby and Jake are on the way. Anya and Raven are in the waiting room with Lexa. 

"Sis, come here," Anya says, pulling her into a hug. Lexa's body is rigid from the stress of not knowing whether they're okay. "It's okay, you heard the doctor, she's in good hands. _They're_ in good hands."

Lexa releases a shuddering breath against Anya's shoulder. Anya wishes she could do more for her, knowing perfectly well what hospital waiting rooms does to Lexa. All she can do is keep Lexa grounded in her arms, so that's what she does. 

Anya tries her best to distract her. 

"Rae and I made a bet on your kid's gender and name," Anya tells her. "I picked boy, Rae picked girl. Whoever wins get back rubs every day for two weeks."

Lexa relaxes against her; not much, but it’s more than she dared hoped for. "Of course, neither of us has any preference, we're gonna love that kid to bits and pieces either way."

"And spoil it rotten, of course," Raven adds from her seat under the big white clock. 

"So much that you and Clarke are going to throw us out of the house. Sooner rather than later," Anya says playfully. 

"No," Lexa whispers. 

"No?" Anya asks, hoping Lexa will keep talking. 

"Your home too," she whispers. 

"I'm just teasing you, sis. But you know, we'll be there for you no matter what. So... Wanna here the names we thought of?" Anya squeezes Lexa with her arms and Lexa squeezes her back. 

"Rae, wanna go first?" Anya asks. 

"Sure. Well, I kinda like Peanut..." Raven feints a thoughtful tone and it makes Lexa chuckle. 

"I told her she was an idiot," Anya shares with her sister. 

"Shut up, babe. Anyway, I'm thinking Aria or Ava for a girl and Adrian for a boy."

"Tell her why, Rae."

"Because your family seems to like names that start with A and both you and Clarke _could_ be sentimental enough to continue that tradition," Raven explains. 

"I told her she was thinking too much."

"Please…” Raven scoffs. “Like your choices are any better."

"Well, I actually agree with Rae that you'd pick Aria for a girl because of the A, but more importantly because it's a musical term. She said I couldn't pick the same, but because I'm betting it's a boy I don't have to choose a girl's name." 

"I call bullshit," Raven plays along. 

"Sure you do." She rolls her eyes at Raven, feigning annoyance, before addressing Lexa again. "Actually I thought you'd go with the snowflake theme and pick a winter name. Like maybe Noel for a boy or Noelle for a girl. "

"And I kind of hate her a little because _I_ should've thought of that," Raven sighs. 

"So to sum it up, Raven picked girl and names with A and I picked boy and winter names. The winner of the gender contest wins two weeks worth of back rub. The winner of the name contest wins two laundry free weeks. Those are the terms we agreed upon."

Lexa is surprisingly calm, smiling against Anya's shoulder. "Thank you," she says, slipping out of Anya's arms. 

"Anytime, sis. So... are we even close?" Anya asks with hopeful eyes. 

Lexa shrugs, not wanting to give anything away.

"Lexa?" A man's voice calls for her attention. She turns around to face it. It's one of the doctors and she's instinctively searching his eyes for any indication of Clarke and her child being okay. "They're both well and healthy, come on, I'll take you to them," he smiles. 

Lexa is frozen in her spot. They're okay. Clarke is okay and their child _is here_. 

"Go on, sis," Anya says, "We'll be right here waiting. Mom and dad should be here soon too. Tell Clarke hi."

The doctor guides Lexa down endless halls until he stops in front of a door. He gently pushes it open and says, "Clarke is still out from the anesthesia and it'll be a while before she wakes up, but your child is ready to meet its parents." He walks inside and Lexa follows him. Her eyes immediately land on Clarke in the hospital bed. The monitor on the wall lets Lexa know that her heart is still beating; something that calms her down immediately. 

"Lexa, meet your son."

Lexa looks back at the doctor who nudges his head towards something behind her. She turns around and is met by a nurse holding a newborn wrapped in a blanket, _her son_. The nurse approaches her, a soft smile on her lips, carefully tugging the child into Lexa's arms. 

"He arrived a week early but it's nothing to worry about. He's a little small but he's perfectly healthy," the nurse explains in a hushed voice. 

Lexa feels the tiny thing in her arms stir. He's feather light and _so tiny_. She feels her entire body melt by the way he's peacefully sleeping in the crook of her arm. 

"We'll give you some privacy. Press the button over there if you need anything, okay?" The nurse says, pointing at a box attached to the hospital bed. "We'll be back in once Clarke wakes up."

Lexa nods distractedly as she continues studying her son. He's got Clarke's nose. Lexa lifts the tiny blue hat just enough to check his hair color and by the looks of it he's got Clarke's hair color too. She wonders what his eyes will look like, if they'll be tiny innocent oceans too, and she mentally chants for him to _open your eyes little man, show me what they look like_. 

Lexa graces his tiny puffy cheeks with her fingertips and dwells by the softness of his skin. She caresses his tiny chin, too, and the little hand that pops up from under the blanket. His tiny fingers are so minuscule that Lexa is afraid to break them. She lifts the little hand with a thumb and an index finger and as if it's the most natural thing in the world, even in his sleeping state, he wraps his fingers around her thumb, his tiny fingers surprisingly strong.

She wonders if maybe he's going to be a pianist too. Or an artist. Or something else entirely. 

She can't wait to find out. 

"Hey Peanut. You're here," she whispers, her eyes welling up. He keeps squeezing her thumb and Lexa feels the squeeze around her heart too. 

"Wifey of mine," Clarke croaks groggily. 

Lexa doesn't know for how long she's been standing there in the middle of the room holding her son, _their son_. It could be minutes, hours even. She looks at Clarke, her beautiful Clarke, sharing a smile across the room. 

"Blue?" Clarke asks. Lexa realizes she's referring to the tiny hat on his head, and it occurs to her that Clarke hasn't met him yet. She carefully walks towards Clarke, reluctantly prying her thumb free from his grip. She watches Clarke's eyes brighten the second he's safely tucked into her arms. 

If the engagement ring increased her beauty tenfold, if the wedding dress went off the charts, if a pregnant Clarke was otherworldly then Lexa doesn't have strong enough words in her vocabulary to explain just how beautiful Clarke holding their son is. 

"Noel Griffin-Woods," Lexa says. 

"Noel," Clarke whispers. "He's so cute, Lex." Clarke looks at Lexa again and Lexa leans down to kiss Clarke. 

When Lexa looks at Noel again, his eyes squeezes tight once before they slide open – just for a split second – but Lexa doesn't need more time than that to conclude that yes, Noel does have Clarke's ocean blue eyes. Lexa knows that the hair and eye color will change with time, but for now, he's all Clarke and Lexa loves it. 

*

Noel is charming everyone.

Anya and Raven are the first visitors. Anya fist bumps the air when she realizes she won both bets and Raven tries to be annoyed, but when Noel wraps his fingers around her thumb too, Raven melts and forgets everything else. 

"Those fingers are strong like a mechanics," she coos. 

"Or a pianist," Clarke offers, sharing a smile with Lexa. 

Indra and Gustus are up next and Lexa is in awe watching her dad become a mushy mess around his grandson. "Don't look so surprised, Alexandra, he was like that with you and your sister too," Indra tells her as she too has succumbed to Noel's thumb grip.

Abby and Jake arrives late in the evening with flowers and a teddy bear and hugs for everyone. Abby refuses to let go of Noel when Jake whines about it being his turn now. 

"Do you remember how fast they grow?" Abby asks when she does eventually hand him over to Jake. 

"Yes," he sighs. "We need to come down here to visit more often."

"I know. We'll visit so often they'll get tired of us," Abby winks at Clarke. 

"You're always welcome." Clarke smiles. 

*

Lexa thinks a lot about what Abby said, that they grow up way too fast and she feels a tiny amount of fear in her heart thinking about missing out on anything. So when Clarke goes to sleep that first night in the hospital, Lexa stays awake to watch over Noel. 

She takes a seat in a chair and places him in the valley along her thighs feeling comfort from his tiny body weight against her legs. She watches his nose scrunch up and his fists flail around aimlessly in the air. She watches him yawn and when he opens his eyes to look at her, she's sure she'll gladly miss out on sleep if it means not missing out on anything Noel ever does. She's never been more sure of anything in her life. 

*

Clarke has a big scar on her abdomen from the c-section and the first time Lexa slides her hand under Clarke's shirt, Clarke cringes and pulls away. Lexa looks at her with confused eyes and Clarke avoids them muttering _’I'm just tired’_ as she tries to slip out of Lexa's arms. Lexa forces Clarke into a hug instead and runs her hands soothingly up and down Clarke's back until she finally lets go of the tension. 

Lexa is not stupid. She knows what it's about. 

"Clarke Griffin-Woods." She kisses her forehead and her nose and her lips. "Love you," she whispers. 

She lowers her head to place a kiss against the fabric of her shirt, on her scar above her heart. "Beautiful," Lexa whispers. 

She meets Clarke's eyes again, the vulnerability is breaking Lexa's heart. She holds her gaze as she kneels in front of Clarke. She runs a hand over Clarke's abdomen and the hitch in Clarke's breath is one of fear. Lexa slowly leans in to place a kiss against the fabric of her shirt, on Clarke's new scar.

To Lexa, this scar is a result of Clarke carrying their son for nine months. It's the most beautiful of Clarke's scars and she makes herself a promises to make sure that Clarke will learn to see it that way, too. Someday. For now, Lexa has plenty of love for that scar for both of them. 

Clarke runs her shaky fingers through chestnut hair and Lexa gently lifts Clarke's shirt, just enough to see the scar. She then presses snowflake kisses along the scar, left to right, before gently pulling Clarke's shirt back down. 

She straightens up to wipe the tears off Clarke's cheeks before guiding her to bed. She makes sure Clarke falls asleep first, safe in her arms. 

 

*

Noel is about a month old now. He wakes up Clarke and Lexa, his cries echoing through the baby monitor. 

"Sleep," Lexa commands, kissing Clarke on the forehead before going to Noel's room. 

Clarke lies in the dark listening to Lexa's _"Hey Peanut"_ and the muffled sounds of Lexa picking up Noel from his cradle. His crying subsides surprisingly fast and Clarke lies in the dark smiling like an idiot, a hormonal teary mess, when she realizes what's happening. 

Lexa is humming a soft lullaby to get Noel to calm down, her voice like velvet and _so, so soothing_ , while Clarke wonders if Lexa has been humming Noel to sleep all this time, or if this is a first. 

It lulls Clarke back to sleep, too. 

The next morning, Clarke finds Lexa lying on the couch. There's an empty bottle on the coffee table and a peacefully sleeping Noel splayed across her torso. Lexa looks so tired that it hurts all the way into her bones, so she kneels next to her, running a hand through chestnut hair. 

"Lex..." she sighs. "Come on, I'll take him and you go back to sleep." She reaches out to take him but Lexa doesn't let her until she's run a hand gently down his back and kissed his fluffy golden hair. Clarke thinks that maybe this isn't just about comforting Noel but also about Lexa's needs. Physical contact is Lexa's way of communicating with him, something she doesn't take lightly. 

Clarke scoops him up in her arms and Lexa curls into a ball on the couch almost immediately, her face pressed into the cushions. Clarke sighs, shaking her head softly by the sight. She actually meant for Lexa to go back to bed, not sleep on the couch. She grabs a blanket and covers Lexa with it one-handed. 

"Come on, Noel, your momma needs sleep."

She puts Noel in his cradle and takes a seat by the kitchen table. She finds an empty page in her sketchbook and starts drawing the memory of finding Lexa and Noel on the couch while listening to the light snoring coming from the depths of the couch. 

*

Lexa likes to give Noel different colored socks on; her favorite combination is a green and a blue one. Clarke always smiles like an idiot when she sees it and that may be the reason why Lexa does it in the first place. 

*

They often place Noel on an activity blanket on the floor in the living room and Lexa will play soft music smiling like an idiot every time he starts kicking his tiny feet in the air, just like he used to kick inside Clarke's womb. 

Clarke uses moments like these to observe her family. She once told Lexa that above anything else, Lexa will excel in motherhood and she was right. The way she cares for Noel is admirable and she can't wait to see what happens when Lexa starts teaching him baby sign language, right now he's still too young. 

Clarke sits in one end of the couch observing Anya and Raven cuddled up in the other end of the couch. She knows they won't stay in this house forever and maybe it's not such a bad thing. Clarke likes the idea of giving Noel a baby sister or brother at some point and this house isn't big enough for two families. For as long as she's known Anya, she's been working a lot, and her and Raven are rarely home. It's obvious to Clarke that Noel has made a big impact on them and she knows they've been looking into adoption. When that time comes, their family will merge into two families, Clarke is sure of it. 

The thing is, Clarke knows they'll always be a family no matter what, no matter where they live. 

They're going to be okay. All of them. 

*

Noel,   
You surprised us all by speaking your first word this morning. You linked your eyes to similar blue ones and said _"mom"_ and your mom cried happy tears, glowing just like the day we learned that she was pregnant with you. 

It may have been your first spoken word, but you've been communicating with us for a while now. You know how to sign _eat_ for when you're hungry and _drink_ for when you're thirsty. You hit your thighs excitedly when you want to play the piano. Of course, you can't play the piano, but you can press the keys down randomly and it's beautiful music to my ears, so when Auntie RaeRae and Auntie Anya many years from now will tell you it gave them headaches, don't listen to them. Music is subjective and it puts a bright smile on your lips, so you're doing it right. 

You spoke your first word just in time for your first birthday. Tomorrow we'll wake you up and you won't know what all the fuss is about, but Auntie RaeRae has made you a delicious chocolate cake and I won't be surprised if that's going to be the best thing that happens to you tomorrow. In fact, I'm sure you'll melt her heart when you ask for more; that's another sign you've been using for a while. 

By the way, you have your love for chocolate from your mom. You inherited a lot of things from her and I can't wait to find out if you inherited her drawing talent too or if you'll be drawing mutated stick man drawings like me.

I've been giving it some thought and I've come to the conclusion that time is a peculiar thing. When I look into yours or your mom's eyes – they're inevitably the same – time has this magical ability to freeze and keep me in a perfect tiny pocket of time, just the three of us. I could get lost in those eyes forever and never feel the need to find my way back. But then I think about you turning one tomorrow and how close you are to taking your first wobbly step and suddenly time moves too fast. Way too fast. 

You're still my little Peanut and that'll never change, I'm certain of it. 

I think about the future, too. I wonder if you'll love school or hate it. I wonder if you'll make lots of friends or just a few really close ones. I wonder if your mom will ever let me buy that dog I always wanted. I wonder if we'll ever get the chance to give you a baby sister or a baby brother, and that leads me to wondering what kind of big brother you're going to be. I wonder if you'll feel safe enough to come tell us about your crushes, girls or boys. I wonder if you're going to choose a career path like mine or your mom's or if you want to do something else entirely. I fear the day you'll tell us you're moving out, but I know that day will also be a happy day, one where your mom and I will look at you with pride in our hearts and tell you to never forget us. I imagine you're going to roll your eyes at us because we're old and embarrassing. 

It's only because we love you.

No matter what happens, we're going to be okay. All of us. 

Happy First Birthday, Peanut.   
Love,   
Momma.

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments you might have, give it to me <3


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